Tag Archives: happiness

99 – Beauty


beauty of natureSomeone is supposed to come sit with me today.  I’m not sure who it will be or if anyone will show up at all.  No invitations were sent.  What can I expect to be part of this new and beautiful day?

I see someone walking towards the riverbank, just a shadow at first.  A memory stirs inside me as I watch and wait.  Goosebumps flesh out my arms and my face feels hot.  My heart is beating hard.  I can hear it.  I can feel it.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or something I should fear.

I look towards the river.  I watch the water as it flows by: slow and steady and with purpose.  Calming.  It has a place it needs to go.  I smell the soil, the water and the faint odor of decay.  The sun is gentle on my skin, the wind lifts the hair away from my neck. My breath is steady.  I feel someone sit on the bench beside me but I won’t look.

I want to wait.  Just a little bit.

For several minutes we sit there.   The river is peace flowing by.  We listen to the birds cry with joy as they possess the freedom they rightfully own. I am more aware of everything around me than I can ever remember.   I feel the warmth of the body beside me, the pull of my visitor, every ounce of my being begging me to look.

I turn toward my friend (?).

I look into dark eyes that light up the world. They are changing colour so fast from dark to the bluest blue I’ve ever seen and back to dark to become a mirror. I can see generations and decades and lives gone past in those eyes staring back at me.  An old soul, one might say but I would say love and hard lessons has made this life live on.  I close my own eyes for a moment relishing that love and gathering my emotions.  There is no fear, just progression.  Strength.  It has to come from somewhere.  It’s always been there.

I open my eyes.  Now I’m bewildered.  No one is there but the sensitivity is still with me. A faint outline of that magical being lingers like my breath on a cold wintry day.  I still  feel the gifts and sensations left behind in my heart, my head.  It’s like little electric shocks going through my mind and down to my toes.

Realization.

There cannot be fear.

I will fly with the birds.

I will be the river.

I am one with the sun.

I am the wind.

I will live forever.

Beachy Birthday (52 and counting)


Oh, what a great 4 days I had!  I spent them at the beach, staying with my sister and her family at  her cottage.  My daughter was able to get the time off work and, besides, it was my birthday.

The beach has always been a magical and relaxing place for me. It is my most favourite place in the world.  I’ve spent every summer or many summer weekends there all my life. My mother seems to be in every room and coffee cup.  I sleep in her room surrounded by her things and some of her paintings.  I was always safe there.  The Beach has always had its own smells and winds and sounds.  I always feel different and really like that.  This was the first time I was able to go this summer so there was no taking anything for granted.

I love the sun on my skin and the sand in my toes.

The beach is also a place where there is lots of food and cousins and love and being very busy or reading books.  Laughing is the norm around there.  Trips for ice cream  and there’s never-ending fruit and veggies for my girl.  My sister and her family are very generous and we wanted for nothing.

Even the day it rained we filled the hours with henna tattoos, reading and solitaire with only 48 cards in the deck. The sun came out again though. It always does.

henna

I met my great-nephew who is 2 years old for the first time. Remarkable little guy. Doesn’t say much but came right up to me and gave me a hug. The beauty and maturity of my niece just glowed and filled the room. I could see what a great mom she is because she made me laugh how relaxed she was. I don’t think I ever had it that together.

The last day I was there it was so hot, the water was barely refreshing.  We stuck our beach chairs in the lake and parked it for an hour watching my almost-one-year-old granddaughter, a new generation, love the beach too.  We formed a circle around her, almost protective. She loved it and you could see she loved us all.   Anyone watching would know this was a close family with a lot of love for each other.

Just what I wanted.  Just what I needed.

We had my birthday party the last day too.  With my kids, nieces and nephews there are so many young people in my life.  There are not many my own age except for my sister, her husband and one of their dogs (in dog years).  I was honoured, though, that they took the time to come and eat hot dogs, hamburgers and veggie things from the barbecue.  I even got presents!

birthday card

From my lovely daughter.

This is the most joyful I have felt in many years.  I felt I had to write about it so I can look back on it and know there are times like this.

Saturday Morning


I woke up Saturday morning to the cooing of a delightful grandbaby and a message on my Facebook…

Capture2

I was amazed to get this wonderful affirmation. Lisa and I have seen each other maybe twice in the last 20 years. We live far apart and our lives are so different.

My reply:

Capture3

Lisa followed with more words that soothed my soul and set something free inside..

Capture4a

Capture4b

Capture4c

Lisa:
Thank you for those words and letting me know your feelings. I don’t know how things get to be the way they are or where they started but they always seem to show me that everything happens for a reason. I’m tired, Lee. I’m getting too old to keep starting over and over, again and again. I know I will keep it up because that’s what I do I guess. Same as my mom and my gramma. They walk with me every day and give me the strength to get on with some simple things. My only regret in this life is how I feel my children were ripped off having a mom.  I take heart in knowing that every day I can start again, try a different path and nothing has to be too late for me or for them.

Woman wearing boxing gloves

I love that, “the next ten years will be the best in my life”.  My mantra has been changing. I’ve been telling myself I believe the opposite of the negative feelings and so far I’ve been doing better.  My son had told me that little trick long ago and its been recently I’ve been putting it into practice.  Sometimes, though, I get kabonged over the head again of my numerous shortcomings.  Good friends and new meds seem to be doing what they’re supposed to do so there is hope for me to work again.  I have no idea what work I can or will do; I just know its out there.

PS:  Please excuse my snipping.  It was my first time and the girl just chortled when I asked her what to do and then did stuff so fast there was no time for my brain to fathom what the heck was going on.  So the  FB inserts are in pieces and are sort of intentional by accident.           ~M~

ride upon your stallion


Have you ever heard a song that stole your heart, your mind and your very soul?  I think all of us have songs that fulfill something in our lives.  Some music may make us happy or remind us of another time or even give us hope for the future.  My experience with people during the last few years has shown me how passionate one can be about music and/or lyrics.  Styles and genre is debated all the time.  I’ve learned so much from so many about music.  I don’t ever want to stop learning.

Today I heard a song that, years ago, moved me to such an extreme it changed my life and my relationship with myself.  It may not have that effect on anyone else in the world but this is something I can own and I’m marvelling at how much it still gets to me.  It’s remarkable how much it did affect me back then and how changed I am now.  It just clicked!  I feel I’ve worked harder than I thought.

It’s a song about war and a soldier who is in battle, exhausted, weak and alone.

I first heard this Tom Cochrane song back in 1995.  My sister gave me a tape she made me for my birthday and it was the last song on the 120 minute tape so it took a while to get to it.  On this day, I plunked that tape in my trusty Walkman for my daily walk in 28C heat.  I loved to walk in the heat then.

It was an amazing time for me…just bought a house with my boyfriend who had balked about committment for 4 years, my son was the light of my life and could do no wrong, I had a job I loved, some actual girlfriends, I was in great shape for the first time in ages, my parents were healthy and I had a decent relationship with most of my siblings.  I was loved.

On this walk I was finally almost at the end of the tape when the song came on.  As I listened. I could feel the heat from the sun on my face and the sweat running down my body.  Halfway though the song my legs felt weak and I sank onto the grass nearby.  I played that song over and over, crying like my heart was broken in little pieces.

Well, it was.

Shut your eyes my darling there’s nothing you can say
the man in the moon won’t fall on you
he doesn’t live there anyway
you don’t have to be a soldier to fight in your private war
let the blood you might see rain down on me
you don’t have to fight no more

I saw pictures in my head.  I saw a very little girl with bright, curly hair and old eyes.  I saw a man on a white horse reaching down for the fragile little thing and pulling her up to sit in front of him, wrapping his cape and strong arms around her.  He dried her tears and hid her fears for a time, just to show her it can be done.  He knew that all she wanted was for someone else to take the pain from her but she couldn’t let that happen because she couldn’t wish it upon anyone.

there’s nothing you can say
there’s nothing you can send
there’s nothing that can change the facts
not all the king’s men

That little girl spoke to the strong man and told him and his horse about the fear that has filled her nights in a home where she should be safe from harm and of the fear of people she loved.

He could hear her screaming.

Have you ever cried until there were no tears left? I did that day as I listened to that song again and again.  I could see that little tiny girl grow up to go to school, filled with incredible fear and loathing.  I could see what she saw; a scarred and ugly girl in school where it was kind of hard to make friends because if you looked at her funny she would cry.  She was afraid of everything.

By fourth grade there was a new abuser to take the place of the one before.  He had taken it upon himself to torture that girl and did, until high school.  Unspeakable days and nights.  The bath was her friend; so cleansing and it was the only room with a lock on the door.

ride upon your stallion
and I’ll ride upon your mare
we’ll ride so far, ride so hard
far away from here
and when we look back upon it
it all will become so clear
and the gates will open up for us
and we wont have no more fear
there’s nothing u can say
there’s nothing u can send
there’s nothing that can change the facts
not all the kings men

I know there are a lot of little girls out there just like this one.  She’s special to me though because she lives inside me and won’t go away.  Its been rather awkward sometimes, because the more I push her away the more she’s in my face.

there’s nothing you can say
there’s nothing you can send
there’s nothing that can change the facts
not all the king’s men
look away look away

you might be tired and troubled but not today
when they come down upon you
I won’t let them get anything on you
and we’ll dream away all those fears and troubles may
look away

we both were motherless children
they sent us separate ways
the family you’d seen beat down on you
mine it was okay
I’ve come to take you back now may
save you from this fate
they won’t have any more chances
to treat you this way

I’ve been in therapy for a long time because of that kid. My love/hate for her has eaten up a lot of my life.  She has made me strong though and, no matter what, I needed her.  If only she had known about me during her time. If only she had known how strong she would be.

I was brave enough a few years ago to go to the police and press charges against my abuser because I could see him grooming another girl and this girl was one I loved too.  The Crown couldn’t take it further because of the time that had elapsed but I had done it; I went on video, told that little girl’s story and dragged up details I thought were gone.  I sat through and answered every embarrassing and difficult question perfect strangers had for me, describing things in achingly painful detail.  I managed to stop him anyway.  I think he lives in fear of me now.

I found out recently my abuser lives less than a block from where I live.

Stronger.

A survivor.  I’m no longer a victim.

there’s nothing you can say
there’s nothing you can send
there’s nothing that can change all that
not all the king’s men

Now I’m listening to “All the King’s Men” by Tom Cochrane for the first time in many years.  I have been on a journey for a very long time, which most of my readers know, and I can see that horse as I listen and look into my heart. There is someone reaching down for that little tiny girl but it’s not a man at all. Not anymore.

It’s the 51-year-old …

me.

u don’t have to be a soldier
to fight in your private war
let the blood u might see rain down on me
u don’t have to fight no more

Holding you tight.  And Our heart is whole again.

How’d That Happen


I know, I know.  It’s been a long time since I parked myself in front of my clanking, deformed laptop.  Well, really, I guess, it can’t technically be  called a laptop when there’s a monitor hooked up to it.  Oh and everything is green on the screen most of the time; a reminder that Spring is here I suppose.  I have a pretty good excuse.  my TV, internet and phone was cut off.  They still are but I went to the competitor and had just the internet installed.  Both Carly and I feel better and more connected.

So where did I leave off last post?  I finished the dating series and that was a lot of fun to write.  It helped me get over some of the horror terror ridiculousness of the experience.  As I left you back in November, I did indeed meet someone.  I’m still with him in fact.  He is a lovely man.  I have no idea how long it will last but I fully intend to enjoy being in a mostly healthy relationship for the first time in my life.  It’s early but hey, I have a very nice fella.

I’ve not been in a great space the last few months. Several factors; including, pre-menopause, menopause (all in one week! No, no just jokes.), my never-ending stress with finances, a full-fledged teenaged daughter who rolls her eyes at me so much she fell down once. Or twice. No, I didn’t push her.

I think this post will be about what the heck is happening around me.  I’ve been noticing behaviours among the human race lately that leaves me quite confused.

The Bus

I take the bus to work pretty regular now.  I work days at least half the month and parking costs more than a week’s worth of groceries.  I actually started liking the bus.  If the bus hits a car it isn’t my fault.  What I don’t like is the fact that I have developed some pretty painful, well, pains, in my left knee and I have tennis elbow in my left arm.  None of this pain comes from riding the bus though.  One of them maybe, in fact, a sex related injury.  I don’t know for sure though. I don’t have a cane ($) so I guess it isn’t obvious that the lurching, obese, sweating woman with the grey starting to peek out from her last home colouring job could really use a seat.  Although, the other day a young guy about 17 got up immediately to give me his seat.  Well that was nice but then I just felt old.

A real gem I meet on the way home.  She is really beautiful, about 20 with skin the colour of milk chocolate and big dark eyes.  For some reason this girl is desperate to get on the bus FIRST.  The first time she elbowed me out of her way so she could get on ahead of everyone, I simply figured she had to pee or she had a period accident.  Well the next day, she tried it again.  I stood my ground even though I almost went sprawling in the street.  I held my place and climbed on before her.  She was then at the back of the line and was trying like mad to sit between 2 large persons on a 3 seater.  She did it on one cheek, almost sending a seatmate into the aisle.  I think I would have to pass gas constantly if I was sitting with her and just not let her up.  I’m deaf to your cries of mercy.

Hey.

My fella is the gas king.  He says he farts when he’s happy.  I think he must be really happy.

I’m having fun imagining him on the bus.

Do you understand how fit one must be to ride the bus? I use muscles I can’t remember having while standing on the bus. After the first couple of weeks days I learned not to hold onto the pole with my left arm as it hurts like hell.  I had to plant my feet and anticipate the driver’s every move and be ready not to go flying into someone.  Which I did a couple of times.  Or my backpack did. I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead from the strain; my leg would cramp at night.  This is not pole dancing, people!

Me

I was in quite a funk for a few weeks which is weird as I was also happy because of the fella and all.  I don’t think I’ve had such conflicting feelings in my life.  I would talk to Dr. G. and we would discuss meds and what was going on but I just couldn’t shake it.  I was not so far gone that I couldn’t fake a better outlook than I felt. I noticed, though, the people I work with have been avoiding me.  I was never one to make a lot of friends but this went a bit beyond that.  One night I made a conscious decision to go into work the next day and smile.  Smile at everyone.  I did.  In no time at all I was interacting with my co-workers again.  I felt better and eventually I wasn’t faking it so much.  Someone invited me for coffee, I sit at table and people come and sit with me and include me in conversations.

I really felt that I was the key factor in coming back this time.  I have to focus every day to accomplish some success.  I am still under brutal stress along with my bi-polar symptoms so this is not always an easy thing to do.  I’m pretty tired.  I’m now looking for a second job, hoping it will relieve some of the stress.

I seem to be making the most stupid mistakes.  Corrie figures it is the menopause.  I feel so vague and my spelling and typing are atrocious.  I always took such pride in those things.  My memory has leaks in it.  It started as a little drip, drip, drip but now it kinda like pin holes in a water balloon.  Lots of pin holes.

Now I hafta pee.

My Car

We will have a funeral for my beloved Mustang soon.  There is no way I can afford to fix it or buy another car.  Losing my Role and Identity of “the-mom-who-you-call-to-take-you-and-all-your-friends-wherever-and-never-say-thank-you-to-her” will be an earth-shaking event for some.  I will miss the freedom and independence a car gives me.  I could shop when I needed to and do other errands without it taking all day.

Oh Wah.

My girl turned 15, is doing amazing at school.  I just cannot believe how well she is doing considering how hard its been for her the last couple of years with me.  Sometimes that “who’s the parent and who’s the child” happens.  She deserves so much more than I can give her now.  Financially and emotionally, I am definitely challenged.  I love her so much and want to give her more.  Not just stuff, but of me.  So fragmented.  I am lucky to have her.  Even when she brings a stray kitty home.  It lasted a week and even she was saying it had to go.  The cute little thing was driving me, well, nuts.

My boy turned 27 and is going to be a dad.  I’m going to be a gramma.  We are so thrilled about this new little being.  Turns out it’s a girl and should be born around my birthday in August.  Jenni felt her move for the first time this afternoon.  Marie will be one of her names.  I’m so honoured about that.  So much to look forward to!

So this is a good start on the road back to writing.  As always, feel free to leave a comment. I’ll be back soon.

Mambo Dating #5


I apologize for the delay in this post.  I was wrestling with old and new demons and have won once again.  Well, I’m getting there.  I need some new ammunition I think.

Well, the saga of my online dating experiences went on.  I think I may have run out of bad guys though so I’ll change it up a bit.  Some good and many bad men have become a part of my history, whether I wanted them to or not.  So like the Mambo #5 song I had various men make an appearance in my life, most very briefly.  I learned from all of them.

One of the things I like about having access to men’s profiles on my selected dating site is the game I’ve had to play to try to read into what they are really talking about.  This isn’t easy in most cases.  The majority of the men I talked about in my last 4 installments had profiles that made them seem like anybody’s dream guy or was so neutral I only found out how bad they were when it was almost too late.

That means, they lie.  Not all do but the many I encountered did.

I wish to give you a few examples and you try to guess the dreamboat I encountered.  All spelling and grammar is included.  Just click on the names and go back to the original post so you can recall their utter charm. I deleted specific mention of places that may identify them.

Example number one:

I am a well balanced man who lives life to the fullest. i enjoy dancing, travel, music, reading, live theatre and much more. my goal/aspirations is to find a woman who is stable who has dealt with past issues/relationships and ready to move forward toward a meaningful relationship. i take pride in myself as a healthy individual without being self absorbed. i am flexable, kind, opened minded, keep up with current affairs and trends. i have no time for negative energy

First Date
i would like to go to a fine outside cafe for lunch and chat to get to know each other. if things clicked, arrangements would be made to meet again to do anything that we’d both feel comfortable doing, spontaneity is cool.

Multiple choice:  a) Pretty Pornographer     b) Bobby or    c) Maxwell

#2:

…The women for me needs a sense of humor. I’m a easy going, jovial guy that likes the simple things in life. You know KISS. That’s me, not flashy just plain me. I like people, so it’s very easy for me to make friends. That’s what I’m looking for in a mate. I’m looking for that women that I can connect with.(Maybe need fish finder?)  I’ve never been married, so I don’t have any children. I own a house in — , that I like to keep clean. I like all kinds of sports, however I don’t play too many any more. Golf, Baseball, and working out once in awhile. I like the beach, especially on a real hot calm summer day. Mmmmmmm – frisbee too…

a)  Bobby  b) Creepy 400 lb Stuffie Talker or c) Dreamy Bald Guy

Okay, one more  #3:

I like being active, I really try to pay it forward all the time. I like down to earth people not those who try to impress the heck out of you with all of their accomplishments. I like a healthier type of lifestyle but I am far from obsessed. I do go to the gym lots but right now it is my stress relief and my social network of like minded people. I want to be a good friend first (chemistry) then all the other good stuff will follow i am sure. My answer to that would be ………..fill in your own blank. I like music,kisses,hugs,lots of smiles,dogs and cats, like slimmer people athletic types just people better sized for me. I really like people who can spell at least reasonably well and who have some command of grammar. Typos happen I get that.

First Date
You lead I’ll follow if it sounds good.

a) Bobby  b) Dreamy Bald Guy  or c) Maxwell

Answers:

1)Bobby   2) Creepy 400 lb Stuffie Talker 3) Dreamy Bald Guy

Those are just a few I had to figure out.

I will end this series with this lovely quote from another dreamy bald guy.  He very kindly gave me his permission to use it.

We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever…… But love isn’t like that… It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable; But don’t be surprised when it leaves either, Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.

We’ve all had that feeling, and its come and gone again, that’s why most of us are here, to try and capture that feeling again, and it is wonderful isn’t it? So if the fates are with us, we will find that person and experience it again, and perhaps, just perhaps it will last forever this time…….here’s hoping.

Oh yeah, I met someone.  He’s pretty dreamy. 🙂

How do I feel right now?


I’ve been racking my brains about what to write with no inspiration at all.  Most of my starts were lame this week; usually this doesn’t happen to me.  Then, I thought of my favourite print a woman I used to know owned of a bed with rumpled white, white sheets under a window that looked out upon a summer morning.  I couldn’t find it online but this one felt almost the same.

From both photos, I get the sense that something wonderful happened in that bed.  It didn’t have to be sex at all (although that would be nice) but a night filled with whispers in the dark, secret touches, breaths colliding in unison, and two minds exploring the dreams of the other.

Then a morning escape for a day with a future.

Makes one sigh.  I sure did.