The countdown begins to my 100th post. I think this post is leading up to it. I kinda want to look back a bit; how life has been treating me and how I’ve been treating life. It’s gonna be kind of whiney so be ready for that. There are positive things too so don’t worry and keep reading okay? I have a question for you at the end.
I’m sure most, if not all who read my blog know that I HAVE and live with bipolar disorder and I refuse to use the term I AM bipolar. Having bipolar disorder does not totally make up who I am although it sure rears its ugly head a lot of the time. It’s affected my life in pretty much every way I can think of. My kids and their attitude towards me, my ability to work or know what I can do for work, my finances, my love life and my ability to connect with people who love me, people who don’t know me, getting on that goddamn bus and getting out of this goddamn apartment. Meeting people and letting them like me. Huh. Just me liking me.
Choking down numerous medications every day twice a day for one part of my brain, others for a different part entirely and more meds to help slow down those racing thoughts at night so I can sleep. Dreading sleep because the people in my dreams were loved ones I would look forward to; my mom, my dad, my kids, my dream house. Now it just hurts when I open my eyes and tears have made my pillow damp.
I’ve realized that, in order for others to “get it” I have to get it too. I’ve been learning about me so much the last few years, the last few months and the last few days and yes, even the last few hours. Dr. G has been getting more direct with the hard questions and how I have to ask and answer them. He’s not letting me cop-out of acknowledging my very positive progress. Still holding me back is my lack of self-esteem and how I damage myself by not letting more positive people into my life, hell, just more people in my life. Self hate is hard to release when its been festering inside for so long. I know in a past post I talked about the sexual abuse I survived as a child and teen (the link is here). As an adult, I’ve worked through what had happened to me and I’ve healed for the most part.
I have many ways of sabotaging my situations. Look at the men I’ve picked. Well we really can’t look at them but I’ll tell you some of the common denominators. One good thing is I’ve rarely have had any physical abuse from any of them. The problem with living with bipolar is, in my case, my strong need for connection, to be close, to feel loved and the willingness to give up on my own self to get it. Because of this and not finding what I want/need or imagine I did, I have been with too many men in my life. With all of them I’ve changed myself to suit their needs and stuffing mine away somewhere inside.
Not a good plan, I found. My mom used to call it falling in love with falling in love. That’s me. No matter how well-meaning I am about “this is the last one” I would finally see how dysfunctional these relationships were and what it was I was ignoring about them. And me too. Don’t forget about me.
I will make it my goal to know what it is I want or if I even want anything at all from a person. What can they do for me? What am I willing and ABLE to give to them?
So what have I learned about men? One man, he just wants it all; his “special” time with me and something entirely different too. Not for me. I could never do it. I tried that once and it didn’t go well of course. I cared for THIS man and I know he cares for me as well but not in the same way. A few days ago during a tender moment he held my face in his hands and told me he could never be the man I was looking for. He is not my man of my future. His needs were greater than his feelings for me. I always appreciated his honesty.
Others were just plain mean. Really nice to me but negative to everyone and everything around them. Negative, angry, superior and definitely know-it-all everywhere. I would be feeling demeaned until that warrior woman inside of me made me see again how unhealthy these relationships were. and how they couldn’t last.
I will make it my goal to not ignore that voice in my head and the feeling in my gut. They are almost always right.
Learning to love myself hasn’t been easy. Physically my body has been going through so many changes. I’ve lost weight, which is good of course. With the evil menopause I have the usual symptoms like hot flashes. I can take that but what sends me into despair is the hair loss. My beautiful, thick, curly hair (which I never allowed myself to admit it was beautiful but secretly loved) was now half gone, dry and some curly parts are growing out straight. WTF.
I will make it my goal to take care of my body. I will appreciate all it can still do.
I appreciate many things about myself. I still cannot believe the strength I’ve been able to conjure during the really hard times. I know it was my creativity, (which did not die completely with my taking these meds) and it was my kids and grandchild with another on the way! I have more reasons to live than to die.
I’ve learned that many things are beyond my control but that doesn’t mean everything is.
My goal is to know my limitations and find ways to work around or with them.
So this will be the end of this post and I hope to write my 99th post very soon. I would like to know what readers would like to see in the next post or even the one after that. Regardless, I hope you keep coming back. Feel free to read some of my past entries too and let me know what you think.