Trust Within

I felt it was time for an update for my readers about what the hell is going on.

I wish I knew.

I know I was in the depths of despair not long ago and rallied somewhat.  Then I couldn’t seem to write a word.  Now I can.

I last posted a beautiful photograph I found on Stumbleupon.  Before that and ever since I have been searching for beauty and, hopefully, finding strength in it.  In order to do that I had to find beauty/strength from within.

I never really knew how that worked.  How can one find, among this jumbled, cock-eyed mess that is my head, find beauty?  It turned out to be kind of easy.

Because I’m no longer working I have time.  So I’ve taken it.  I’ve had naps which I know are not allowed.  This deep restful sleep has made me see things in my head I never knew was there.  The bad part is, I would wake up rested (good), drive my daughter to school and/or volleyball practice then come home again only to feel the force of my head wanting to hit my pillow (bad), with my mask over my nose.  I promise you, my eyes were so heavy there was no way I could refuse this absurd seduction.

So I would sleep.

When I grew stronger and I had to go out, I would make a point of noticing things.  Well, people mostly.  What they wore, how they carried themselves and how I could see them.  I learned a lot.  Mostly that whatever I was wearing made me look like a person with a mental illness. So I started to notice what I was wearing and how I was carrying myself.

I wanted to fit into this world that was going on without me.

This changed a few things.

My strength was palpable within a week.  Maybe not as noticeable to most folk but I felt every. little. step. forward.  I bought food that made sense so Carly could have lunches for school.  I drove without as many people honking at me. I smelled every wonderful smell and also the horrible smell of slaughter when the wind was wrong; i.e. coming my way.  I watched TV for the first time in over a year.  I made connections with people and discovered kindness I never knew existed and the majority coming from strangers.  Mostly, I was able to accept those very things that were offered to ME.

I realized it was okay to wake up and stay awake.  I could see colours I never saw before.  I ventured out of my comfort zone more than once, got lost more than once and found my way every time.

I learned new things I thought I already knew. I realized and admitted I didn’t know and now I do.  I was able to accept the praise of people I love and strangers too and that’s amazing.

I saw my GP last week and got disturbing news about some lab results.  My hormone levels went through the roof, at least triple the normal level.  I had already figured I was in menopause for obvious reasons but this was beyond that.  There was a hint of a possible ovarian cyst or tumor.  But that’s not what I see for me.  Thanks to Sherree , a fellow blogger, I found a whole new avenue on Google to explore.  My fears of terminal illness has been put to a tentative rest.  Theories abound and I must not waste my time on this earth worrying about it and using it as another excuse to hide from this world.  I am able to wait for the follow-up tests without panic, at least most of the time.

I know I’m stronger than before.  I have some proof if you need it.  I kinda did.  My readers may remember a scant 2 months ago I parted ways from a boyfriend who I was madly in love with.  We were together for just over a year.

We communicated last night for the first time since our breakup.  I’d only allow us to chat without the benefit of video or sound.  He seemed to have a lot to say.  Mostly he wants to “take me away from all the stress”, rent a hotel room and spend a weekend together.

So yeah, readers, I said no.  For an hour and a half I said no.

Dr. G asked me how hard was it to say no.  It was so hard, unbelievably hard.  How did I do it?  I just kept repeating in my head what it was he really wants and the hell I’ve already gone through.  I know I have feelings for the guy and there was no way I could survive “just a weekend” with him.  I also knew that if he offered more I knew I would never survive that either.  My kids hate him. I realized then how cruel he really was.

Dr. G was so proud of me.  I’ve been patting myself on the back all day and this evening too.  This was a great opportunity to demean myself but I finally realized:

I’m worth more than that.

So I’m doing better.  I start a new phase in my life (again) and I got here with a lot of heartache, torture and self loathing.  Mind you, having a good day with the difference of knowing how to hold on to that extraordinary feeling that there are still good days.

Thanks for reading.  RIP Steve Jobs.

15 responses to “Trust Within

  1. I love you Marie … and I’m so proud of you for finally letting that woman out that I always knew was there. Keep up the awesome work and remember Life is not only an experiance but also a journey … once to stop moving it all comes to an end.

    • That woman you talk about comes and goes. Its wonderful to realize I do have self-worth. Thank you always, Claudia, for your support.

      • But she’s there and you know it and that will help her come out more.. Have as much confidance in yourself Maie that I have in you. You are a fantastic woman and even tho I dont get to see you often I think about you all the time and I love you.

  2. Oh, I’m so glad that you’re doing better! 🙂 Just keep up the wonderful work that you’re doing. Rest and keep taking care of yourself! (I believe that sleep is very healing to the brain, so when you’re sleepy, take a good nap!)
    I’m also very proud of you for turning down the ex’s offer. You’re going to come out of all of this brighter and better than you’ve ever been! 🙂 xoxox

    • Thanks Sprinkles! I agree with you about sleeping. I feel it has been a big part of my healing. You have been so great with checking up on me and the encouraging DMs. I am so lucky to know such a kind person. Keep reading and you better get busy writing!

      • I know I need to get writing! My husband has been trying to talk me into do National Novel Writing Month with him in November. I can’t even manage to keep up with my blog. I don’t know how I’d get 50,000 words written in one month. I might give it yet another try. I’ve got to get better at finishing the things I start.
        That sunset picture is so beautiful! Keep taking care of you! 🙂

    • Deborah the Closet Monster

      Part of me hates to say this, but the other part says, “DO IT.”

      What Sprinkles said. All of it.

  3. Marie, that sunset is gorgeous – and I am so glad you are resting. I am sure you will come through all this beautifully. I hope you do realize, as we all do, that you are worthy of respect and love.

    • Yes and I had another call, another offer. This time was a whole lot easier saying “No way but I’ll give you money for a hooker”. He felt that was an insult. DUH

  4. I’m happy to see you are finding your inner strength. you sound so positive and I’m proud of you too for remembering what your ex was like and not going down that road again. You will find someone worthy of you, I’m sure of it.((Hugs))

  5. Your right, your worth so much more! and dont ever forget that!

  6. Marie, life can be so difficult at times. I hope and pray that you can find a balance and stay even keeled. Easier said than done I know but there is no room in your life for self loathing. I happy to know that things are better, at least for now.

  7. Hey Marie! Thanks for being my inspiration!

    Love love love you


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