I felt it was time for an update for my readers about what the hell is going on.
I wish I knew.
I know I was in the depths of despair not long ago and rallied somewhat. Then I couldn’t seem to write a word. Now I can.
I last posted a beautiful photograph I found on Stumbleupon. Before that and ever since I have been searching for beauty and, hopefully, finding strength in it. In order to do that I had to find beauty/strength from within.
Because I’m no longer working I have time. So I’ve taken it. I’ve had naps which I know are not allowed. This deep restful sleep has made me see things in my head I never knew was there. The bad part is, I would wake up rested (good), drive my daughter to school and/or volleyball practice then come home again only to feel the force of my head wanting to hit my pillow (bad), with my mask over my nose. I promise you, my eyes were so heavy there was no way I could refuse this absurd seduction.
When I grew stronger and I had to go out, I would make a point of noticing things. Well, people mostly. What they wore, how they carried themselves and how I could see them. I learned a lot. Mostly that whatever I was wearing made me look like a person with a mental illness. So I started to notice what I was wearing and how I was carrying myself.
I wanted to fit into this world that was going on without me.
This changed a few things.
My strength was palpable within a week. Maybe not as noticeable to most folk but I felt every. little. step. forward. I bought food that made sense so Carly could have lunches for school. I drove without as many people honking at me. I smelled every wonderful smell and also the horrible smell of slaughter when the wind was wrong; i.e. coming my way. I watched TV for the first time in over a year. I made connections with people and discovered kindness I never knew existed and the majority coming from strangers. Mostly, I was able to accept those very things that were offered to ME.
I realized it was okay to wake up and stay awake. I could see colours I never saw before. I ventured out of my comfort zone more than once, got lost more than once and found my way every time.
I learned new things I thought I already knew. I realized and admitted I didn’t know and now I do. I was able to accept the praise of people I love and strangers too and that’s amazing.
I saw my GP last week and got disturbing news about some lab results. My hormone levels went through the roof, at least triple the normal level. I had already figured I was in menopause for obvious reasons but this was beyond that. There was a hint of a possible ovarian cyst or tumor. But that’s not what I see for me. Thanks to Sherree , a fellow blogger, I found a whole new avenue on Google to explore. My fears of terminal illness has been put to a tentative rest. Theories abound and I must not waste my time on this earth worrying about it and using it as another excuse to hide from this world. I am able to wait for the follow-up tests without panic, at least most of the time.
I know I’m stronger than before. I have some proof if you need it. I kinda did. My readers may remember a scant 2 months ago I parted ways from a boyfriend who I was madly in love with. We were together for just over a year.
We communicated last night for the first time since our breakup. I’d only allow us to chat without the benefit of video or sound. He seemed to have a lot to say. Mostly he wants to “take me away from all the stress”, rent a hotel room and spend a weekend together.
Dr. G asked me how hard was it to say no. It was so hard, unbelievably hard. How did I do it? I just kept repeating in my head what it was he really wants and the hell I’ve already gone through. I know I have feelings for the guy and there was no way I could survive “just a weekend” with him. I also knew that if he offered more I knew I would never survive that either. My kids hate him. I realized then how cruel he really was.
Dr. G was so proud of me. I’ve been patting myself on the back all day and this evening too. This was a great opportunity to demean myself but I finally realized:
I’m worth more than that.
So I’m doing better. I start a new phase in my life (again) and I got here with a lot of heartache, torture and self loathing. Mind you, having a good day with the difference of knowing how to hold on to that extraordinary feeling that there are still good days.
Thanks for reading. RIP Steve Jobs.