Well, this was a good week. I’ve discovered a few more things about myself, some of which I have to face and get a handle on. Most though, were good or, at least, good enough.
I finally started walking outside as the weather has been cooperating and the ground has dried up nicely. I think this is the main reason for my good moods. Exercise is so important for one with bi polar as it helps to even out everything. I found myself becoming bored at home for, really, the first time in over a year. Thinking about my future brings a dose of reality. Dr. G and I are talking more and more about finding work. I keep imagining myself in a tiny bachelor apartment after Carly turns 18 (1 more year!).
She and I have been talking about her post secondary schooling. She is eligible for so many scholarships and bursaries as well as student loans. Hopefully she’ll be able to stay living with me when she goes to school but she’s not so sure what she wants to do yet. Take a year off, move out with a friend or stay home and go to school. So many decisions she has to make and it’s so great to have so many choices.
Now for a change of subject…I’ve always known I have an addictive personality. I don’t mean people get addicted to me although, hmm. Nah, that’s not what I mean. It’s like when I used to smoke like a chimney until I quit in 1987. I quit while I was pregnant with my boy too but started again right away. Wow, I smoked a lot, more than 2 packs a day sometimes. I loved everything about it and, as I said in other posts, I still dream I smoke almost every night. Booze was a problem too at different times in my life. I pretty much stay away from it now. I smoked weed in the latter part of high school and as a young adult until I was pregnant with my son in 1985 then never touched it again. It was hard to quit so if people try to tell you there are no withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, they’re lying to you.
My ongoing battle has been with food since I turned about 20. Food is always there. One needs food to survive. It’s starting to get bad again mostly because I live next to a 7-11 and they have everything that’s not so good for me. I’m making super-bad decisions when it comes to food. Chocolate is my weakness and diet Pepsi. Chips for supper sometimes. They’re cheap and filling. The nights with chips are the nights my daughter eats at work so I don’t feel so guilty. I never figured I was an emotional eater because when things are bad I just can’t eat. It’s when things are going well I eat more and badly. I guess that would qualify as emotional too. I need strength to get through this. I don’t want to gain weight after losing so much. Dr. G is thinking it might be the new medication I’m taking at night to help me fall asleep. Although I’m on a really low dose one of the side affects is weight gain. I’ll be watching.
My mom’s cooking was pretty basic and good most of the time but sometimes kind of dangerous as she wasn’t too careful with health standards; leaving pots of soup or stews on the stove for days and serving them to us; meat left on the counter for way too long and some stuff just tasted bad you know? We all got the “Grand Beach Flu” at the same time and it was usually after her “Grand Beach Stew”. I love her dearly but not the bugs that were in the flour that went into the gravy or the stuffing or the cakes or whatever. I survived though and I’m sure it was why I was so skinny until I moved out.
I did so well with money this week. It helped that the government sent out our quarterly GST refund so there was more money to work with. I actually had food in the pantry and the fridge and still had money in my wallet by the time Child Tax Credit came in. What a great feeling buying a bus pass and veggies and fruit for my girl who looks in the fridge and says, “Wow”.
My plan is to walk every day for at least 1/2 hour and increase it. I need to invest in a good pair of runners as Carly and I are sharing mine right now (!). I know.
She needs them for work and I need them for volunteering so one of us is using them all the time. Hopefully at the end of the month I can get another pair for her. My shoes are actually too big for her. She’s a size smaller than me.
So the plan is to walk, eat better and get new shoes. Those are pretty good goals for a week…