Tag Archives: trains

Pills


Ha!  The title fooled you.  This is NOT about my meds.  This is about whether I would want to stay in a made up world forever and never know the difference or would I choose the opposite; wake up in my bed and find an excuse for what just went down.

Yes.  Blue Pill.  Red Pill.  Made famous on the Matrix but the concept has been around for decades.

This is what was presented to me courtesy of Word Press Daily Post:

If given the choice, are you the kind of person who takes the red pill, or the blue pill? Why? When do you willfully do the opposite?

“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus (from the film The Matrix)

Background on the red pill vs. blue pill here.

So what would you do?  I would argue that I would need more information before I could make a decision like that.  I think it would depend upon so much.  How do I know my choice won’t bring me a worse situation than I was already in?  Could things get any better or any worse?

So in reality there is no red or blue pill.  To take a pill to change my reality?  I won’t even go there.  There are choices though.  All the time.  Why I make some of the ones I do baffles me sometimes.  Baffles my sister too.  Not about her choices but about mine.  I go around and learn, around some more, learn some more but it seems to never end.

Some pretty bad crap happened to me and Carly in the past year, mostly due to the cruelties and thoughtlessness of other people we used to trust.  I really thought we were not going to make it and, for the first time in my life, I was scraping.  Not even scraping by.  This close to living in my car  and I would have if I didn’t have Carly.  This close to totally losing it all.  And myself.

I had a couple of things that were positive and worked on making them work for me.  I had my amazing daughter and grown son, I had my amazing sister Colleen, a very lovely fella, my gift of writing and my gift of honesty and common sense.  Hmm, more than a couple.

Without those things I never would have taken the blue pill.  That’s what I think happened.  If I took the red pill would I have still been trapped inside of that unfriendly world?  I didn’t care to explore it any further, thank you very much.

So I took the blue pill and woke up one morning and things were better.  My wishing on trains helped too.  My dear people/things are still dear to me and my talents brought me respect and time.  I was able to discover gifts I never knew I had and how to use them.  Well, and not being afraid to use them.

Worthwhile getting here but OUCH when you hit your head on the rabbit hole.

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Wishes


I usually make a wish every morning on my way to work.  I go through an underpass with a train moving above me.  The superstition is (and I am very superstitious) as you drive under the bridge you take your feet off the floor, close your eyes, lick your thumb and thunk it to the ceiling of the car all while you make your wish.  Make sure the train is above you and moving.  I have been doing this for years and I have learned to be careful what I wish for.

One time I wished for money.  Found a nickel that very day.  Big whup. 

I tried to be more specific and wished to win the lottery.  I got $2 that Friday.  Not really what I had in mind.

Many times I wished for things beyond my control (yeah, like winning money isn’t beyond my control?) such as wishing my ex had loved me enough or my son to quit smoking or someone would give me as much chocolate I want.  I learned that wishing for things that involve other people just do not come true.  I think those things have already been decided.  Kinda have to do stuff for myself most of the time.

Mostly what I wish for is for my mental illness to stabilize and it has, many times.  Unfortunately or fortunately, however you want to look at it.  I cannot wish it away because it won’t go away and I really don’t mind having bi-polar disorder, as long as my meds are working.  Up to as recently as a month ago, my meds were sliding and that is not good.  That means I was sliding and I hate that.  So much.  My Dr. G. fixed me up tout suite with an increase, and after 2 weeks in spite of the horrible side effects, I can’t believe how I feel: wonderful.  Gone is the anxiety and I love how I am able to see things more clearly.  No depressive episodes, no paranoia; I feel on top of the game.  Today Dr. G. wanted me to go back to the former dose because of the side effects but I said no.  I want to hold on to this amazing confidence I know is always there but suppressed because of my illness.  I know the unpleasant side effects will go away.  In fact they are better already.

So what should one wish for?  My advice is to keep it simple.  Just wish for things to be better. 

Oh, and I just remembered there are 2 chocolate bars in my purse!

Oh, and don’t crash into anything.