Tag Archives: good momma

Away From Home


There we were, two of the most anxious females I know, going to a strange city by Greyhound.  Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea?  Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together.

My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there.  Then my mind started racing with questions.  What do we do?  Where do we go?  We started off doing what we thought was the right thing.  We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy (who turned out to be our driver) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do?  He looked at our tickets and, very kindly, told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6:45.  We found seats nearby and waited impatiently.  It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios (What if we don’t sit together?  Why did I have to read about Tim McLean? What if people smell bad?)  then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up.  We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on  our luggage.

Now, remember, we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags.  We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them. There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty.  One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry-on’s and the bag that weighs 100 lbs. is free.  That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued.  We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry-on with me.  By this time there was no line at security.

Security checked my bags and waved the wand over me.  Then Carly.  Good, nothing was pierced on her that I don’t know about.

The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton.  The first half hour I smelled vomit.  The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too.  As were his farts.  Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol.  Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom.  Good for them for being so clean.  At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business.

The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly’s backpack was directly in its path.  Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit.  She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside, now reeking of and dripping with coffee.  The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper.  Then there wasn’t any TP for the bathroom.  Finally the driver found some.  Whew.

feetMy legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous.  I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop.  My feet hurt so much throughout the trip.  The swelling never really went away.

When we got there, after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep, we still went shopping.  I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest. I had to buy a sweater because it wasn’t summer in Edmonton.  Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops.  I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $10.  Carly must have spent over $300 the first day.   Her money not mine.

I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm.  I loved the pillows.  Our hotel was nicer than I expected.  I used booking.com and found a pretty good deal.  I give it 3-4 stars.

We hit so many stores.  There were so many people, especially on Saturday.  It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers.

Saturday at the Mall!

Saturday at the Mall!

Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned.  I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday.  My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed.  It was one of the first things I did when I woke up.  Open it I mean.  Lo and behold it had money in it!  With more strict orders (he seems to be a little bossy) to spend it frivolously on myself.  So I bought Body Shop stuff, which I never buy because it’s too expensive.  Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in.

Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday.  She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air-conditioned bus.  She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares.  Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out.  She was so patient with me and my sore feet, as long as she knew where I was.  Thank goodness for texting and cell phones.

I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg, besides the mall.  The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming. We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall.  Everybody goes really fast there too.  Cars and people.  Some of the fashions I saw I haven’t seen here, at least not yet.  AND I didn’t see one butt crack when people were sitting down.  In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court, on the bus or even just walking around.  I didn’t see one and that made me happy.

Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg.  For one thing there was absolutely no security check done.  This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads.  No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare.  For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter, depending on her mood.  At least I had to listen, Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out.  The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible.  When she did stop another would start.  There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5.  One mom had 4.  Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming.

This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing.  We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said.  There weren’t that many, it was pretty full.  The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last-minute and to be patient.  No problem.  Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman, maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids, ranging in age from 8 to 18 months, all holding something; pillows, blankets, books, bags of food.  They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around.   The dad then ran off the bus, yelling “love you kids!” and he was a blur going back into the depot.  The little family was in the back and we didn’t hear a peep out of them.

We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me.  They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid.  All the while, their mother was calm, laughing along with them, getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again.  She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other; the same.  She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy.  I told her, “My dad used to say, It’s better than crying”.  She laughed more.  I could hear a little hysteria in it though.  She was so great.  She would crouch on the floor with them, rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes.  How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind.

(Carly hates my people watching.  She thinks I’m nosy.  What the heck else would I write about if I didn’t watch other people and what makes them do what they do?)

Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry.  The dad did nothing; he just looked mad.  I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip.  By the time we got home, I wanted to kiss the ground.

We had a delay before we left Alberta.  A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus, taking smoke breaks with them, etc.  These young men always smelled like pot (SECURITY!).  Anyway, we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women (who also smoked) with some concern about how she was swelling up.  I wanted to show her my own feet but didn’t dare scare her.  We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver.  He turned around and took her to the hospital.  According to the guys she hung with, she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn’t react well with her.  We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere, hopefully in good care.

I totally had a good time although in pain. Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend.  I’m pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it.  I had to be a good mom to Carly, who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day-mares.  Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn’t give up, even when he saw me later and practically chased me.  I handled it.  I did good.  It’s taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I’m just about there.

I’m still not sure about social situations though.  This was very impersonal as I didn’t have to interact with many people.  Just doing this trip and knowing, even if I am anxious about it, I can breathe through it and continue on.  I don’t know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here.  Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time.  We kept it simple; using cabs to get to the mall and back.  We didn’t do any sightseeing at all.  The fear of getting lost is still too strong.

Would I do it again?  Not on a bus.  No way on a bus.  I would fly for sure.

My world just got bigger.

Shopping…


I’m about to test the strengths I’ve learned these last few weeks/months/years.  I’ve planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone.  One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers, bad food and poor sleep.  And then…

Destination:  West Edmonton Mall

We will be shopping pretty much non-stop for 3 days then head home again.  loveshoesWell, the girl will be shopping with her money, I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel (could we have popcorn for supper?  I really don’t want those shoes.  Yes I do.  No I don’t.).

Does this trip fill me with anxiety?  Oh yes, you bet it does.  As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn’t see downtown anymore.  Will I get lost?  Will my bank card not work?  Maybe I don’t have any money.  Will my heart decide to stop beating?  Will there be an accident while I’m driving my son’s van?  Watch out for that old lady!!!!

Remember, this was just on the way to the bus station.

The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton.  This wouldn’t work out because I don’t have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541,000 times just to get the $1,000 I would need.  So Greyhound it is.  I’m relieved I’m not driving the 15 hour trip.  I would really be scared of getting horrorlost among other things too many to list here.  I’ve watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird-looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again.  The mom always gets killed first.

So once I conquer the bus and the inevitable motion sickness I’m prone to, we hit the hotel and then the mall.

The huge, incredible “mall”.   mall

 

This is bigger than anything in my city.  There aren’t just stores; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people.  Lots of them.

I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child.  Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends.  This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face.  I’m really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach.  After all, I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home, unscathed, just the same.

I take heart in these small steps as they are leaps and bounds to what I could do 5 or 6 or 7 years ago.

Huge.

Like the mall.

Oy.

Better Late…


Oh I have been a bad girl, missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing.  Things are so busy with summer and all.  I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends.

Summer is always special.  I’ve written about it before and now you can read it summeragain:  The smells (on my skin, in the air, my granddaughters’ hair), the beach when I can get there (which smells totally different by the way), walking and walking even though my knees are older than dirt and so are my hips but I still walk when I can.

I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister’s family.  I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend.  It was “Gamma Gamma” and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites.  Even the nephews got into The Wiggles!  Our little gal had lots of fun.  I miss her now.

I also met a guy about a month ago. Things are really good but I won’t jinx anything.  We will just see how it goes.  🙂

It’s been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years.  This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city.  Buses are still the fun buspart of the day with screaming babies, drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever’s stop comes first.

I’ve been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy.  It’s been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too.  I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night.

I still smoke in my dreams every night too.  Crazy.

One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister!  Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member.  Such a relief when I found out.  I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her.  I don’t think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay.

All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr. G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment.  Fasting blood work.  Meanie.  He’s glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker.

Not that the new guy is my mental health worker.

Oh no, now that’s just confusing.

Dr. G is so pleased with my progress these last few months.  I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life.  These help me handle the negatives going on.

So I hope to get another post in during the next couple of days.  See you in my dreams!

 

I Need Naps


This week I finally had the chance to do a decent grocery shop.  And I went with my girl, Carly.  We haven’t been shopping together in close to a year.

It seemed that I could never get the shopping quite right; Carly wanted “healthy” things.  Well, so do I but our versions of “healthy” are two different ideas.  I had to teach her about balance and budget.  Since she was complaining so much I made her come with me.

So there we were with a borrowed van at the store and a good wad of cash.  I needed prescriptions and headed to the pharmacy while sending her to the fruit and vegetable section.  While my prescriptions were getting filled we met up again and started cruising up and down the aisles. I don’t usually cruise but I had a list too.

We agreed on some things that didn’t have much to do with food.  The most challenging was a new razor.  Ours was gross already so we agreed to buy a new one.  I was checking out the ladies and Carly insisted we get a men’s razor style.  I wasn’t too sure about that until she found a weird shaped one.  She was reading the package and exclaimed “It has a battery!?”  That perked my interest and it was only $7 on sale, half price.  Carly said she didn’t think we should get it as we probably were too technically challenged to use it.  It had an attached trimmer for heaven’s sake.  That must explain the battery, right?

I ignored her and got the last 2.  She has no faith.

Then it was groceries…she read every label on every box or container of food and exclaiming in a horrified voice every time; “OMG the sodium! …the saturated fat!…the CARBS!” and would quickly put the item back on the shelf.  I would pick it back up again horrifiedand show her what we had to do to make a balanced meal.  She had to realize it was OKAY to have fat, sodium and carbs to a certain degree especially since my cart was full of fruit and veggies too.  We picked up whole grains as alternatives to what we would normally buy.  We also bought a little more organic fresh food as well.  It was all starting to come together.

I must say, shopping with her took twice as long (at least) and three times the cost.  I’m just lucky we  had the money for this trip.  I asked her if she saw how much it cost us and she said she did and was shocked at how much we have to pay to eat healthy.  I warned her that, on our normally very limited budget, this shopping trip would rarely be like this.

I’ll let you in on a little secret though…I did manage to sneak in my Cheez Whiz.  🙂

Boy, I had my exercise this week too.  I’ve been looking after my oldest granddaughter while my youngest granddaughter gets her eating habits in order.  I swear I’ve never been so tired.  It’s a really good tired though.  I go to bed before 11:00 (!!!) and get up for 8:00 am.  Amazing.  And she  has me running.  Running after her, ahead of her, beside her and with her.  In between we watch inane children shows that make me get ridiculous songs stuck in my head which have replaced the songs we played for my Dad while he was on his death-bed.  I don’t know which is worse.

We also nap.  Grandma needs her nap.IMG_0985

So a good week all around. Thank you to all who gave me their support the last couple of weeks.  I really appreciate it as it had to one of the worse times in my life.  I don’t feel as alone as I did.  I feel better being busy and productive.

Until next time….

Power and Getting a Life


I thought I would write a follow-up to my last post after meeting with Dr. G.  He agreed with me about the diagnosis of social anxiety disorder and we discussed how we’ve been working on my recovery all along.  The key has been, and continues to be, developing my confidence to a level where I can go out into the world without the fears (or have lesser ones), of being judged or ridiculed.  It will be a relief to not have the feelings of “Oh my god, what did I do?  I look like an idiot.” “What did I say? No one will ever want to be around me!”  It would mean being free!  Having a life!  Yay!recovery

He pointed out many of the accomplishments I’ve made in the last year:

  • I’m now volunteering and interacting with staff and patients at the hospital where I go twice a week;
  • travelling on public transit;
  • cooking and baking.
  • I’m dealing with my lawyer, my ex, the bureaucracy that is social services and all with much less stress than I had before.
  • I’m finally getting bored with being at home.
  • I’m walking outside more, although still mostly within my comfort zones.

Most of these changes happened in the last 6 months.

Dr. G also talked about my blogging and how amazing it is that I feel very little discomfort writing about my private life for the public to read.  I told him that blogthese were faceless people except for a very few who do know me quite well and I already trust them not to think badly of me for what I reveal.  They can ask me questions and I’m quite comfortable answering. He said it’s one of the best therapies for me.  I think he’s right.

My interactions with my kids still have to change though.  I noticed I was isolating myself from my daughter’s feelings and her life again.  She’s still getting over the breakup with her boyfriend and some days are just still so hard for her. She was hiding and I was retreating somewhere too, not knowing what to do and not knowing that this was what was happening, until the other night when it hit me hard in the gut (especially #1):

  1. How would I feel if she did something to hurt herself or worse?  I know I would easily blame myself and believe I would have every right to do so.  Dr. G disagrees about that as he believes that’s the social anxiety talking. After 5 years of knowing me, he said, he knows I have a tendency to blame myself for all that goes wrong.  But I am her mom.
  2. She needs me to be her mother, not her friend.  A mother who can provide good advice, not be pushy and make sure she has unconditional love always as long as I live.  That’s easy.
  3. I’m not to put all the pressure on myself to be perfect as a parent.  I can always improve though and will make sure I do.  Trying to be 2 parents at once for her isn’t easy.

My son has talked to me a few times now about how worried he is about me, my bipolar and my future.  I’ve tried to explain to him about how I’m taking baby steps to get back to a life that will be more fulfilling, less stressful and, hopefully, one I can be proud of.  It will take time for him to understand and he’s young, rather set in his ways and doesn’t really “believe” in depression or in bipolar treatments.  I know its hard for him to understand that his mom is sick and has to use therapeutic medications probably for the rest of her life.  He might finally realize that it’s not all about taking the drugs and “masking the symptoms”, I’m also getting extraordinary therapy from my doctor.  I assured him Dr. G keeps track of my kidney and liver functions.  This seemed to calm him down the last time he expressed his concern.

This has been a busy week for me with something to do almost everyday.  I’m actually sleepy at 7 pm!  I have to stay awake, though, as Carly has gone out with friends and I have to wait up for her.

Like a good mom.

They SUCK!


Bad things happen to really nice people and my daughter just had the worst week of her life.  Sometimes teenaged boys just suck.  I’ve been dreading this…

My sweet and unsuspecting daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend of a year and a half came to an end this week.  She had no idea it was coming and is in total shock.  There is no comprehension, no reasoning she can see.  Why can’t it make the sense it should?

I feel so much of her pain.  No mom ever wants to see her child go through this drama.  I hate it. They got along well and didn’t really fight or argue a whole lot. I knew there was a strong likelihood that the relationship would end eventually because they’re so young.    I just didn’t want it to happen NOW.  A week before Valentine’s Day.  Holy cow.cookies and creme

My strong and beautiful daughter sobs like I’ve never seen her.  I let her and cry along with her sometimes.  Our home is where it’s safe to cry.  He won’t answer her texts, he isn’t calling.  This has to be the worst time in her life so far. Her heart is broken. I want to take all the hurt away, realizing eventually that this, for both of us, is all part of growing up.

I feel I’m making a difference.  She’s talking to me about her feelings, she’s set some goals, agreed to and made up some restrictions with her phone use so she won’t call him.  She listens to my advice, which I don’t give overwhelmingly. She wakes me up early in the morning just so I can sit with her until she has to leave for school.  She trusts me.carly

Needless to say, I haven’t left her alone very much.  To the dismay of my sister, I’ve even kept her home from school for 3 days and she’s now been back for 2.  The first day was hard but the second was better.  I encouraged her to get together with some girlfriends this weekend and is at a sleepover now.

I hate these hard lessons we have to face.  My memories of the first guy to dump me were horrible and will always be, even though I learned more about myself because of it.  I would call his place at all hours of the day and night and hang upprincess phone when he answered.  I would let it ring 30, 40, 50 times if he didn’t.  Needless to say there was no caller ID then.  I was so angry and sad and resentful. He was just cruel when he broke up with me.  There was no need for that.

Carly’s boyfriend wasn’t mean at all really.  He was “sugar-coating” his reasons which she recognized right away.  The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, which she recognized as well.  It’s just now, for her, that hurt is burning and alive and it stabs me through my heart.  I feel it every moment she starts to cry or I look into her big brown eyes, full of sorrow.  Her posture is no longer straight and proud.  She is feeling beaten and betrayed.  How do you fix that Mom?

Time, I tell her.

We talk every evening.  I’m so proud of her for opening up about so many things I didn’t know but glad I know now.  She says I “get it”.

And I do.  I feel like a Mom again.

How about you?  The first time is always the worst isn’t it?

Beachy Birthday (52 and counting)


Oh, what a great 4 days I had!  I spent them at the beach, staying with my sister and her family at  her cottage.  My daughter was able to get the time off work and, besides, it was my birthday.

The beach has always been a magical and relaxing place for me. It is my most favourite place in the world.  I’ve spent every summer or many summer weekends there all my life. My mother seems to be in every room and coffee cup.  I sleep in her room surrounded by her things and some of her paintings.  I was always safe there.  The Beach has always had its own smells and winds and sounds.  I always feel different and really like that.  This was the first time I was able to go this summer so there was no taking anything for granted.

I love the sun on my skin and the sand in my toes.

The beach is also a place where there is lots of food and cousins and love and being very busy or reading books.  Laughing is the norm around there.  Trips for ice cream  and there’s never-ending fruit and veggies for my girl.  My sister and her family are very generous and we wanted for nothing.

Even the day it rained we filled the hours with henna tattoos, reading and solitaire with only 48 cards in the deck. The sun came out again though. It always does.

henna

I met my great-nephew who is 2 years old for the first time. Remarkable little guy. Doesn’t say much but came right up to me and gave me a hug. The beauty and maturity of my niece just glowed and filled the room. I could see what a great mom she is because she made me laugh how relaxed she was. I don’t think I ever had it that together.

The last day I was there it was so hot, the water was barely refreshing.  We stuck our beach chairs in the lake and parked it for an hour watching my almost-one-year-old granddaughter, a new generation, love the beach too.  We formed a circle around her, almost protective. She loved it and you could see she loved us all.   Anyone watching would know this was a close family with a lot of love for each other.

Just what I wanted.  Just what I needed.

We had my birthday party the last day too.  With my kids, nieces and nephews there are so many young people in my life.  There are not many my own age except for my sister, her husband and one of their dogs (in dog years).  I was honoured, though, that they took the time to come and eat hot dogs, hamburgers and veggie things from the barbecue.  I even got presents!

birthday card

From my lovely daughter.

This is the most joyful I have felt in many years.  I felt I had to write about it so I can look back on it and know there are times like this.

Saturday Morning


I woke up Saturday morning to the cooing of a delightful grandbaby and a message on my Facebook…

Capture2

I was amazed to get this wonderful affirmation. Lisa and I have seen each other maybe twice in the last 20 years. We live far apart and our lives are so different.

My reply:

Capture3

Lisa followed with more words that soothed my soul and set something free inside..

Capture4a

Capture4b

Capture4c

Lisa:
Thank you for those words and letting me know your feelings. I don’t know how things get to be the way they are or where they started but they always seem to show me that everything happens for a reason. I’m tired, Lee. I’m getting too old to keep starting over and over, again and again. I know I will keep it up because that’s what I do I guess. Same as my mom and my gramma. They walk with me every day and give me the strength to get on with some simple things. My only regret in this life is how I feel my children were ripped off having a mom.  I take heart in knowing that every day I can start again, try a different path and nothing has to be too late for me or for them.

Woman wearing boxing gloves

I love that, “the next ten years will be the best in my life”.  My mantra has been changing. I’ve been telling myself I believe the opposite of the negative feelings and so far I’ve been doing better.  My son had told me that little trick long ago and its been recently I’ve been putting it into practice.  Sometimes, though, I get kabonged over the head again of my numerous shortcomings.  Good friends and new meds seem to be doing what they’re supposed to do so there is hope for me to work again.  I have no idea what work I can or will do; I just know its out there.

PS:  Please excuse my snipping.  It was my first time and the girl just chortled when I asked her what to do and then did stuff so fast there was no time for my brain to fathom what the heck was going on.  So the  FB inserts are in pieces and are sort of intentional by accident.           ~M~

Writers Block or Biters Wok


Oh hey, yeah, it’s me.  Been awhile I know.  I haven’t written anything in months!  My brain has become mush so trying to get something down on paper has been daunting.

Mush you ask?  Or did you ask?  I’m going with, yes.  Yes you did ask. And I feel like talking.

Life has been up and down, much like the moods associated with my bi-polar.  The really big news is I have an adorable granddaughter:

My heart is so filled with her sweetness and, I swear, she has a LIGHT.  Just look at her.  My son is pretty overwhelmed with the intensity of his feelings.  I asked him if he ever, ever felt this way about anyone else in his life.  He immediately said no.  I told him he may have other children but there is always something amazing about the child who made you a parent.  We love our kids the same; just differently.  Of course he deduced that I must love him more that his sister since he is my first-born.

I’ve been working part-time or unemployed this whole time.  That meant social assistance again.  I think I will, one day, dedicate a whole post just for the Welfare system.

I do have a new job.  I start this Monday.  I’m so petrified I won’t do well.  Mostly because my brain is, well, mush.

I had met a great guy and we dated for like 9 months.  We got along great and we had so much in common.  Unfortunately I was finding myself falling into the same old habits I was only partially aware I had.   I found I needed him to make me feel good about me.  I couldn’t feel even adequate unless he said I was.  I needed constant reassurance and that is just wrong.  I am supposed to love myself and it was more obvious I did not.  This was not his fault and it was hard for me to work on myself if I was waiting by the freaking phone all the time.  I also ignored some pretty strong objectionable (to me) character traits. This all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and we parted ways.  I’m certainly not going to bash him here as the man is still so dear to me and he deserves to be happy.  I miss him every day.

Please don’t expect any dating stories for quite some time.  I’m really working on myself, looking for my worth and diminishing my dependency for, what I call, needful love.  I’m tempted to write about THAT as I think I qualify as an expert.

Yeah and I had another fucking birthday.  Yippee.  Please note there is no exclamation point after that word.  My birthdays and relationships don’t go together.  My birthdays and my BODY don’t go together either.  I have had more pain these last 6 months than I ever did in my life.  I developed arthritis in my left knee.  Did you know it ATTACKS you the first time?  Oh man.  I needed a real hero to save me.

I’ll save you! You just let me handle it, little lady. *sigh*

Then, right after that, just in time for summer, my plantar fasciitis decided to come back.  Along with unbelievable low back pain, all summer I hobbled, I lurched, I was most ungraceful and very slow.  I was an old lady.

Well, that’s it.  I don’t want to push it.  I hope this didn’t come out reading too wooden.  Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think and what you would like to see.

Hey Kim Larocque!  Thank you.

Is anybody there?

How’d That Happen


I know, I know.  It’s been a long time since I parked myself in front of my clanking, deformed laptop.  Well, really, I guess, it can’t technically be  called a laptop when there’s a monitor hooked up to it.  Oh and everything is green on the screen most of the time; a reminder that Spring is here I suppose.  I have a pretty good excuse.  my TV, internet and phone was cut off.  They still are but I went to the competitor and had just the internet installed.  Both Carly and I feel better and more connected.

So where did I leave off last post?  I finished the dating series and that was a lot of fun to write.  It helped me get over some of the horror terror ridiculousness of the experience.  As I left you back in November, I did indeed meet someone.  I’m still with him in fact.  He is a lovely man.  I have no idea how long it will last but I fully intend to enjoy being in a mostly healthy relationship for the first time in my life.  It’s early but hey, I have a very nice fella.

I’ve not been in a great space the last few months. Several factors; including, pre-menopause, menopause (all in one week! No, no just jokes.), my never-ending stress with finances, a full-fledged teenaged daughter who rolls her eyes at me so much she fell down once. Or twice. No, I didn’t push her.

I think this post will be about what the heck is happening around me.  I’ve been noticing behaviours among the human race lately that leaves me quite confused.

The Bus

I take the bus to work pretty regular now.  I work days at least half the month and parking costs more than a week’s worth of groceries.  I actually started liking the bus.  If the bus hits a car it isn’t my fault.  What I don’t like is the fact that I have developed some pretty painful, well, pains, in my left knee and I have tennis elbow in my left arm.  None of this pain comes from riding the bus though.  One of them maybe, in fact, a sex related injury.  I don’t know for sure though. I don’t have a cane ($) so I guess it isn’t obvious that the lurching, obese, sweating woman with the grey starting to peek out from her last home colouring job could really use a seat.  Although, the other day a young guy about 17 got up immediately to give me his seat.  Well that was nice but then I just felt old.

A real gem I meet on the way home.  She is really beautiful, about 20 with skin the colour of milk chocolate and big dark eyes.  For some reason this girl is desperate to get on the bus FIRST.  The first time she elbowed me out of her way so she could get on ahead of everyone, I simply figured she had to pee or she had a period accident.  Well the next day, she tried it again.  I stood my ground even though I almost went sprawling in the street.  I held my place and climbed on before her.  She was then at the back of the line and was trying like mad to sit between 2 large persons on a 3 seater.  She did it on one cheek, almost sending a seatmate into the aisle.  I think I would have to pass gas constantly if I was sitting with her and just not let her up.  I’m deaf to your cries of mercy.

Hey.

My fella is the gas king.  He says he farts when he’s happy.  I think he must be really happy.

I’m having fun imagining him on the bus.

Do you understand how fit one must be to ride the bus? I use muscles I can’t remember having while standing on the bus. After the first couple of weeks days I learned not to hold onto the pole with my left arm as it hurts like hell.  I had to plant my feet and anticipate the driver’s every move and be ready not to go flying into someone.  Which I did a couple of times.  Or my backpack did. I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead from the strain; my leg would cramp at night.  This is not pole dancing, people!

Me

I was in quite a funk for a few weeks which is weird as I was also happy because of the fella and all.  I don’t think I’ve had such conflicting feelings in my life.  I would talk to Dr. G. and we would discuss meds and what was going on but I just couldn’t shake it.  I was not so far gone that I couldn’t fake a better outlook than I felt. I noticed, though, the people I work with have been avoiding me.  I was never one to make a lot of friends but this went a bit beyond that.  One night I made a conscious decision to go into work the next day and smile.  Smile at everyone.  I did.  In no time at all I was interacting with my co-workers again.  I felt better and eventually I wasn’t faking it so much.  Someone invited me for coffee, I sit at table and people come and sit with me and include me in conversations.

I really felt that I was the key factor in coming back this time.  I have to focus every day to accomplish some success.  I am still under brutal stress along with my bi-polar symptoms so this is not always an easy thing to do.  I’m pretty tired.  I’m now looking for a second job, hoping it will relieve some of the stress.

I seem to be making the most stupid mistakes.  Corrie figures it is the menopause.  I feel so vague and my spelling and typing are atrocious.  I always took such pride in those things.  My memory has leaks in it.  It started as a little drip, drip, drip but now it kinda like pin holes in a water balloon.  Lots of pin holes.

Now I hafta pee.

My Car

We will have a funeral for my beloved Mustang soon.  There is no way I can afford to fix it or buy another car.  Losing my Role and Identity of “the-mom-who-you-call-to-take-you-and-all-your-friends-wherever-and-never-say-thank-you-to-her” will be an earth-shaking event for some.  I will miss the freedom and independence a car gives me.  I could shop when I needed to and do other errands without it taking all day.

Oh Wah.

My girl turned 15, is doing amazing at school.  I just cannot believe how well she is doing considering how hard its been for her the last couple of years with me.  Sometimes that “who’s the parent and who’s the child” happens.  She deserves so much more than I can give her now.  Financially and emotionally, I am definitely challenged.  I love her so much and want to give her more.  Not just stuff, but of me.  So fragmented.  I am lucky to have her.  Even when she brings a stray kitty home.  It lasted a week and even she was saying it had to go.  The cute little thing was driving me, well, nuts.

My boy turned 27 and is going to be a dad.  I’m going to be a gramma.  We are so thrilled about this new little being.  Turns out it’s a girl and should be born around my birthday in August.  Jenni felt her move for the first time this afternoon.  Marie will be one of her names.  I’m so honoured about that.  So much to look forward to!

So this is a good start on the road back to writing.  As always, feel free to leave a comment. I’ll be back soon.