I may have found my groove today.
The last month has been getting steadily worse for me in regards to moods and thoughts. There have been some really good things too, of course but then, as the night approaches, so does the sadness, loneliness and racing thoughts of doom.
Here is a little catch up for you since I last posted. I’m way behind:
I MOVED! My daughter and I finally got a call from low-income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February. It’s been all renovated with new everything. The bathtub is even slippery and doesn’t scratch my bottom. hee hee. Unfortunately I did re-injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again. I still can’t go for my walks or stand for too long. I’m pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows. Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind. I just feel exhausted all the time. I could sleep all day but make myself get up. It’s late in the day but I’m up before Carly is home from school.
I’ve seen my granddaughters more. Such joy they give me. I have one video of the 2-year-old in my lift chair saying “this is awesome” over and over while I worked the controls. She says it in her very grownup 2-year-old voice. I play it every day. It really helps.
My son turned 30. I can’t believe I have a son who is 30.
My daughter’s 18th birthday is in 10 days. My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo. I can’t believe my baby is 18.
I finally had someone to talk to today.
I realized last night, while I was feeling my lowest, that I’ve been waiting for something. I don’t know what it is but I figure it’s time to stop waiting. Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing. A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man’s part. So it’s not done yet. But it feels like it’s getting closer. It’s been 5 years since I left him.
I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears. On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone (I finally figured it out) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost. When I left my worker, I felt better. On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing “Hey Jude” live. I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back. Na na na naaaa.
I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me (young, in his 20’s) asked me what I was listening to. I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about (!) so I started it again for him to hear. It’s a long song but he listened to it all.
He thanked me for allowing him into my groove. His words.