Oh I have been a bad girl, missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing. Things are so busy with summer and all. I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends.
Summer is always special. I’ve written about it before and now you can read it again: The smells (on my skin, in the air, my granddaughters’ hair), the beach when I can get there (which smells totally different by the way), walking and walking even though my knees are older than dirt and so are my hips but I still walk when I can.
I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister’s family. I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend. It was “Gamma Gamma” and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites. Even the nephews got into The Wiggles! Our little gal had lots of fun. I miss her now.
I also met a guy about a month ago. Things are really good but I won’t jinx anything. We will just see how it goes. 🙂
It’s been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years. This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city. Buses are still the fun part of the day with screaming babies, drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever’s stop comes first.
I’ve been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy. It’s been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too. I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night.
I still smoke in my dreams every night too. Crazy.
One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister! Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member. Such a relief when I found out. I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her. I don’t think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay.
All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr. G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment. Fasting blood work. Meanie. He’s glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker.
Not that the new guy is my mental health worker.
Oh no, now that’s just confusing.
Dr. G is so pleased with my progress these last few months. I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life. These help me handle the negatives going on.
So I hope to get another post in during the next couple of days. See you in my dreams!
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, life, Love, me, Mental Health, Music, Postaweek2014, Writing
Tagged bi-polar disorder, cat, dating, Family, getting old, good momma, happiness, health, humor, life, love, mental health, Postaweek2014, teens
I’ve been thinking about positive thoughts and where they come from. I really have to force myself, everyday, to think of myself in positive ways. I thought I would try to come up with a list of my favourite things, not necessarily about me but maybe it will tell the world and me what I like and love. So, in no particular order…
- Blue. I love the colour blue for so many reasons. I sometimes gasp at a new shade that makes me wish for the tropics or paint a picture. Neither of which I’ll be getting to do soon. The best blues are cobalt and music.
- My daughter’s smile. It lights up the whole room. It’s a rare thing to be seen since she became a teen. Her brother and I spied on her while she was working the drive thru at her work and oh, she smiled at everyone! We both were astounded by the transformation. I love her more every day than I did the day before.
- When she laughs it’s like bells
- My son’s energy. Oh man he makes me tired! Always smiling is that guy. Very social which is the opposite of me. He’s always talking and getting a deal going and has high ambitions. I am immensely proud of him. He is definitely one of my favourite things. I love him dearly.
- My Mom’s paintings she left behind. I just love them because she never really knew her talent until she was in her 40’s, 50’s and she still painted until she died. She had a passion.
- I love when people aren’t afraid to tell me what they think. Sometimes I’m afraid of it, thinking it might be bad but it rarely comes out that way.
- I love colour and beauty and movement. I love the ballet.
- I love the symphony. The music sends me somewhere else. I fell in love with the symphony at the same time I fell in love with the ballet.
- I love the kindness of others. So many people have shown me how good they can be. I’m truly lucky to know them and I’m a better person because of them.
- I love cats. So cute, especially my Lucky who is, thank goodness, still with us.
- I like dogs too but not as much as cats. 🙂
- I love chocolate.
- I love lilacs and the wonderful aroma they leave in the air during Springtime. I don’t think we’ll be having Spring this year.
- Spring and Summer
- My favourite flower would forget-me-nots. I think. If I was to make a bouquet it would be made up of many different kinds. Orchids are always an option.
- I love long car rides.
- I love going out for supper.
- I love new clothes.
- And Shoes
- Reading and reading
- I love watching movies where I get totally lost. I really don’t have a favourite movie, there are too many. It always depends on the mood of the movie; for action movies I love the Terminator series; for love stories my favourite has to be The Notebook. Whatever it is it has to be good.
- I like that I haven’t cried in weeks and weeks.
- I like Dr. G. He saved my life along with Dr. H who died way too soon. He found me Dr. G before he had to go though.
- I love my father’s face when he wakes up and sees me and the joy that’s there, even though he doesn’t know its me. He knows its someone he loves and who loves him.
- I love my grandchild. She’s adorable. I love when she holds out her arms for me even if her mom is holding her. I love when she makes me feel special like at Easter when I was giving her strawberries and she said, in her 19 month voice, Mo Gamma.
- I love my younger sister and her family. And all their dogs. And all their cats. Those kids have been brought up right and I stole a lot of things to use to bring up mine.
- Student Led Parent Teacher Conferences. I was just at my daughter’s yesterday and finally got to see her amazing photographs. She has a passion. All her teachers said the same thing. She does excellent work and it’s a pleasure having her in class. They are all sure she will go on to do great things. She didn’t want to go because she couldn’t see the point as her report card was excellent but I made her. I felt it was important for her to hear the praises and make plans and goals. She was very proud of herself and could see me bursting with it as well.
- I like when I make good decisions.
- I love to laugh and laugh until I cry or a little bit of pee comes out. Well maybe not that but you know what I mean.
- I love how I’ve been able to get along for more than 3 years without a car. Maybe it’s 4. I don’t know but it doesn’t matter much anymore. The only time I’ll miss it is during the summer because I won’t be able to get to the beach when I want to go.
- THE BEACH! OMG I love the beach so much. I love how it smells and the sounds and love looking at the water. In my teens, I used to have a secret place in the cliffs where I could be alone, write in my journal and watch the water while burying my feet in hot, smooth, white sand. I can still feel the sun on my face and arms. The spot is gone now as everything has eroded away. My memories of it though always fill me with comfort. No one could find me.
- Driving. I know I said I didn’t miss having a car but I really like driving. I used to drive a lot in the summers, especially, to get to my ex’s cabin, sometimes just for the day and it would be a 4 hour drive then. 2 hours each way. Oh you know what I mean.
- I love the show Friends and the Joeyisms.
- Days of Our Lives and Dr. Phil and Ellen are my friends during the day.
- Wine. Yeah.
- Writing of course. That’s my passion.
- No more fear
I think that should do it. Its been very interesting making this list. Thanks for being interested enough to read it. I’m sure there are lots more and I’m sorry if I left out anyone. I’ll leave you with a video someone sent me today on Facebook that has become one of my favourites.
PS: The pictures on this page belong to me and I do not give permission for anyone to copy them without my consent. Thank you.
Posted in Entertainment, Family, Food, Friends, Health, life, me, Mental Health, Music, Postaweek2014, Writing
Tagged bi-polar disorder, blogs, cat, Family, food, fun, health, humor, life, love, past, shoes, teens, writng
I’m sitting here during another astounding hot flash of epic proportions thinking nothing could ever beat the last one. I keep getting fooled by my own body insisting on betraying me every day and anywhere. Oh my god, even the inside of my ears are “glowing” this time.
I’ve been pretty good at not getting caught during one of these tropical-hikes-up- a-smoldering-volcano as I rarely leave the apartment. On Monday at my volunteer job I thought I was going to make it through without one. The end of my shift arrived and the volunteer manager wanted to chat. Part way through the conversation I could feel the tell-tale signs; the slow building of heat filling first my face and hair then, before it could get any worse, I excused myself to escape to what I hoped was the cooler hospital hallway. What a sight I must have been…ripping off my vest which announces my volunteer status and holding back on ripping anything else off although I did unbutton the first 2 buttons of my blouse. Sweat was dripping from my face, my nose and my hair when the volunteer manager came out to the hallway to tell me something else I needed to know. She took one look at me frantically fanning my face with my hands (uselessly I might add) and I apologized for my body’s betrayal (she’s young yet, she’s going to get hers soon enough) and tried to listen although I could feel the creeping of moisture on my arms and legs. The back of my blouse became quite damp. She looked away in embarrassment and I believe she was somewhat frightened. My face was so hot. Unbelievable.
I wish I could explain this phenomenon to someone who never had one. Maybe if you ever blushed you would get a sense of it. Heat rising up from your chest to your face and neck, heartbeat speeding up. But it’s more than that. MORE I say! MORE moisture. MORE heat. MORE madness. MORE of just waiting for it to be over.
I really thought it was getting better. I figured just a few short weeks ago what a piece of cake this menopause thing and hot flashes are turning out to be. I’ve been going though menopause for the last year and was pre-menopausal for at least 2 years before that. So hot flashes are not unfamiliar to me. I thought they were getting less and less. HA! Just more intense now and more often. I’m opening and closing the windows more and more (thank goodness it warmed up enough outside so I can finally get them open!) and I have a fan on me all night. That will do just fine.
I sure could have done without that first appearance of a hot flash though. It probably won’t be the last.
The things I get to look forward too. Blech.
I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl and fell in love with reading. I wanted to read way before parents were allowed to teach their kids anything about it before kindergarten and even first grade. My mom would read me my favourite books so much that I actually started to read a bit on my own. Once I learned to read in school, though, there was no holding me back. I remember driving with my parents and them asking me what a sign might say and I would patiently sound out each letter until the word seemed to appear in my head and burst out of my mouth. Every time my family would cheer and applaud me for my efforts.
I would read to my little sister most nights, giving her the stories I heard and loved. I would try to teach her to read while we played “Teacher”.
Writing came next and it seemed like a natural thing. I wrote plays for my family and friends to act in. Quite elaborate ones too. One of them I remember quite well because it was about a dragon (my dad) and the prince (my cousin, Freddy) having a battle over the princess, (my little sister, Colleen). I was the director. This all took place in the kitchen at our cottage at the beach. The dragon kept blowing fire at the prince and I kept yelling at the prince to put out the fire. Unfortunately, the prince got the bright idea to take a 5 gallon pail of water and throw it at the dragon, soaking everything in the kitchen. My mom was not happy and there were no more plays inside anymore. But I kept writing them.
I didn’t realize that I could write until 10th grade when our English teacher had us keep a journal which he read every night and marked or made comments. One day he gave us starter lines for creative writing and one of them was the one I picked “As the clock ticked…” Suddenly I had an incredible idea of the last seconds of a person’s life ticking away; someone on death row about to die for killing her husband. I wrote pages and pages in the 20 minutes we were allowed to write. When I handed it in I had such a thrill of excitement knowing that someone was going to read it and give me an honest opinion. I knew it was good.
It was. The teacher wrote several lines of positive comments and gave me an A+. He also encouraged me to write more and try to find that burst of imagination and creativity more often. He also told me that was one of the reasons for the journal. Practicing my writing would only give me more of a voice and, by golly, it sure has.
I saw my niece last night and found out she’s been following my blog. I always feel kind of weird when I find out someone I know reads all about what’s in my head and then that goes away almost right away. I’m writing for me and for anyone who wants to read it. She wants me to keep writing and that’s my intention. It was great to have feedback from her and I feel encouraged to keep up my once-a-week posts here.
One of these days I hope to make a living at this. Wouldn’t that be something? I want to take more creative writing courses and maybe get a novel out of this old noggin of mine. That has always been my dream.
I don’t have too much to write about this week. I’ve been sick with an awful cold and cough, which I tried, unsuccessfully, to hide from my date on Saturday. I’ve missed 2 weeks of volunteering and have been staying in a lot.
Hmm, wait, I did host a dinner party for my son’s 29th birthday on March 2, all while I was just getting this stupid cold. A turkey, a ham and 10 of my favourite people squashed in my tiny apartment.
The highlight at the beginning (it was like I planned it!) was the fuzz (cops to you young ‘uns) who arrived at the front door of the apartment block just as I was going to let my sister into the building. Now, you know they weren’t looking for me. A neighbour called them for their own problems in their own suite. As they tried to figure out exactly which suite they were looking for, my sister came barreling down the hall, very excited and half blind from her fogged up glasses and shouting, “Hey Marie! I have your pot!” Of course she was talking about cookware. Of course she was! I was gesturing to said pot to the nice policemen who were now looking at me with a little more interest than they were before.
Cop 1: I think she’s really a drug dealer and only looks like a Sunday School teacher…
Cop 2: I say we frisk her…
By the time my son arrived, he saw a man getting the cuffs slapped on him in the hallway (well, the arrest was pretty quiet, no ruckus, no fuss) and he was just a little bit rattled by the sight as he came in with his Mohawk and punk rock outfit he bedazzled himself. Okay, it’s not cool to say bedazzled; he studded and patched the jacket to perfection.
Now that all the players were there, it was time to get the supper on the table. I was carving the turkey until my sister took over so I could make gravy. It seemed every time I started something she was there to take over and move me on to anther task. I cut up the ham and realized just how much I miss my electric knife. My sister mashed the potatoes with butter and milk (I was out of cream cheese and really wished I had my mixer too); corn was cooked just right and Carly made a perfect Caesar Salad as she always does. It seemed like a real flurry of activity in my teeny tiny kitchen but organized, very hot and smelling awesome.
The turkey was done just divine although the stuffing was too moist. Too bad the ham didn’t have the flavour I wanted. I was going for a sweeter taste than it had. I did use a cup and a half of brown sugar and only 1/2 cup of pineapple juice. Forget the juice next time I think. The gravy was amazing. Everyone appreciated having turkey at this time of year. We all think it’s too long to wait for it again in the fall.
It must have been good enough because everyone ate and ate then ate the ice cream cake that followed. It all worked out so great! I can’t believe I pulled it off. Both my kids were impressed.
Anyway, the weather is finally warmer and the streets are either messy or icy so going outside means I always expect the unexpected. Hopefully this virus or whatever it is will be a thing of the past and I can get back to a routine outside of the apartment.
Oh and now it’s time to plan Carly’s birthday. Both kids born in March. What was it about those July long weekends?