funny stories about bad dates


My sister and I went for our walk tonight.  She wanted the details of my dating experiences I’ve had so far with an on-line dating service.  It was good to tell her about my week; I finally could see the humour in it.

And there was a lot.  Of humour, I mean.

I can sit watching the dating site’s in-box feature where everyone you corresponded with will show up; the site making sure you know they’re online and available to chat.

In my case, since I am a chatty thing, there are lots of names there on any given evening.  Almost all these men shall now become a part of this post.

Including the guy who posts a picture of himself 200 pounds ago.  Now I knew how big he was before we met so it wasn’t really a surprise.  What surprised me was how much of a predator he was, how full of himself, and pompous.  It was all about the hunt.  Mr. Octopus by the third date.  He had stuffed animal-toys in his house and they all had names and different voices.  Kinda creepy. He tried to change my diet Pepsi habit, my salt intake and what I listen to before I go to sleep at night.  When I sort of broke it off after a date of more fighting him off, saying we could just start over and take our time more, he decided he wasn’t physically attracted to me.  No problem.  and Whew!

Then I talked to a guy on-line for a few days.  He sent me a picture; it was pretty good but I didn’t believe it was really him.  The guy said he won’t post his picture on the dating site because then he gets bombarded with too many unwantables.  Apparently, I was a wantable.  We switched over to a better chat host and he sent me another picture.  This one took my breath away.  He was absolutely gorgeous to look at.  Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt.  I kid you not.  I was amazed I had this guys attention.  So amazed, in fact, that I missed a few key clues along the way to his personality . But I did catch on in time that he was psycho.

Not him but sorta close.

The night before we were going to meet for the first time, he decided for some reason, to bring up porn.  He asked me if I liked porn.  I said no.  He asked why.  I told him why.  He flipped out.  He wrote in all caps (screaming) that I was a victim lover and help make society restrictive and unbearable to live in.  He called me names.  Really bad names.  But none that I hadn’t heard before.

I disconnected and proceeded to block him from anywhere I had talked to him.

Then I went and had a shower.  I had almost met this guy.  Scary stuff out there.

More recently, I found a fellow on the site, who said he had a rare form of arthritis.  I wrote to him to ask him what kind it was.  He answered back and we tried to chat.   I gave him my phone number so he wouldn’t have to type so much with one finger.  We had such a nice time on the phone I agreed to meet him the next day.  Turned out he lived a block or so away from me.  Because of his age (60 to my 50), my safeguards (name, address and phone number to my kids) he picked me up at my place.

Well I was waiting at the agreed upon time when he called to say he would be late by 20 minutes.  Okay with me.  I tried to do something better with my hair.

I went out front of the building to wait for him.  Along comes this van, hurtling itself around the corner to my street, screeching to a halt, backing up to turn around, narrowly missing a parked car.  He sped up to the door, almost resting on the boulevard.

My thought was:  oh dear.

I opened the door and there was this smiling, very wrinkled face looking back at me.  He was practically bouncing up in his seat.  He kept saying”Oh wow, you’re real. Wow what a woman” and checking out every inch of me.  He continued to do this as we were driving, swerving into the other lane jumping the curb once.  I made him stop the van for a moment so he could collect himself.  He turned on all the lights in the van so he could show me his deformities.  They were absolutely severe.  That wasn’t the problem though.

He smelled really bad.

Those who follow my blog know about my sensitivity to odours.  Gooood ones and baaad ones.  This was a bad one but it would get worse.

We got to the pancake house where George announced to everyone that this was our first date.  Everyone made a fuss over us and led us to a quiet table.  I had tea and he had coffee.

Not 5 minutes into the conversation, he suddenly stopped talking about his deformities for the fourth time and asked me what my favourite sexual position was.  He really did.  I didn’t tell him, of course, but did tell him how offensive that was.  He was so sorry but asked again in a different way a few minutes later.  The waitress kept coming over, cooing how cute we were and looking at me like I must be some kind of saint.

George finally left the table to use the washroom so I took the opportunity to frantically text my daughter to please call in a few minutes and ask me to pick her up.

George came back to the table excitedly shouting to the waitress to please save him, bring more coffee.  I sank lower in the booth.  He sat down and started rubbing his leg up against mine.  I told him not to do that.  He said it was an accident.  I kept checking my phone. He kept rubbing my leg and making these grunting noises.  I finally told George that my daughter has to be picked up shortly.  He said he would love to come with me, with a leer on his face and his tongue sticking out from between his missing teeth.

My daughter finally texted me back saying “but mom I’m going to my friend’s house remember?”

Great.  Good job.  We need a code.

We finally got back in the van and were heading back to my place.  I know I was quiet and it was mostly because I was trying not to throw up.  With him drinking the coffee along whatever other smell he had on I was having a hard time not being sick.  I don’t mean to be disrespectful about this or his deformities.  It was so bad and too much for me.

We pulled up to the front of my building, almost hitting the same car.  He put the van in P and flung off his seat belt and held open his arms and said, “c’mere”.  Oh Jeez.  I opened my door, saying I had to run or be late getting my kid.  I nearly ran up the steps.

The next day he sent me an email saying he thought about it but he didn’t feel we would work out.

Double whew.

The next guy is a whole post on his own.  So this will be at least a 2 parter if not a series.  Stay tuned.  It does get better.

Depending how many frogs I keep almost kissing.

I’m not even going to pretend to know what these guys are thinking.  This has been a whole different world for me.  When I met my last fella on the same site he was the second guy I met.  It’s not so simple now.

Later, I’ll tell you all about Bobby (not his real name).

Advertisements

21 responses to “funny stories about bad dates

  1. OracularSpectacular

    Great post, can’t wait to read the follow-up!

  2. I am glad you find the humor in this. I am just glad I don’t have to put myself out there. I;ve been married forever – and dating sure has changed. I am glad you are taking measures to ensure your safety. Can’t wait for the next installment.

  3. Holy wow. A different world, indeed! o.O

    I went on Yahoo! out of curiosity back in my college days. I earned myself a stalker and decided to stay away.

    That being said, a few good friends of mine have met their loves on sites.

    I just remember the stalker. *shudder*

    • Hi Deb! Always good to see you on here. There was a potential stalker right at the beginning of this adventure but, with the safeguards in place on the site itself, I was able to deflect more contact. I seem to attract the weird ones for sure.

      I think your friends have snagged all the good ones. My age group seems to be lacking in men with integrety and patience. I DO have a coffee date today that sounds more promising than the rest. Hopefully, he’ll end up being the last installment.

  4. Hahaha! Who knew porn was such a political topic?

  5. Is this what I have to look forward to in 6 months… WOW!!

    🙂

    • Just be cool Kim. You are in the younger age group and I hope there aren’t so many desparate men out there as there are in mine. I know you will take your time. Make sure to have fun too!

  6. oh my Marie. oh my. the dating sites scare me. Ima wimp that way. Will await the Bobby story.

  7. I met my husband on Yahoo, but he was only the 2nd guy I met. I’m seeing this late because I’m terribly behind on all things blog! I’ll comment more on your next post that I’m about to click on! 🙂

  8. I remember a blog post of yours about this. You are very lucky indeed.

  9. Marie, you write so well. You should put this all into a book and I”m sure it would be published!

    • Thanks Phyllis but I hope not to be on this site long enough to get more stories that would be enough for a book! I’m taking a break from it now so once these stories are written there won’t be any more for a while. You are so nice to me! 🙂

  10. beverley mcintyre

    I really enjoy your blog – these online dating ones are a bit scary but interesting to read. Keep on writing – you do it well.

    • Thanks Bev! Nice to see you here. Writing about these experiences has helped put things in more perspective. I can see more clearly where I go wrong and what to do another time. I hope to have better things to say soon.

  11. beverley mcintyre

    I really enjoy reading your blog – dating stories are scary but interesting. Keep writing, you write so well.

  12. Pingback: bad but funny dating | MARIE's space

  13. Pingback: Mambo Dating #5 | MARIE's space

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s