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A Few of My Favourite Things…


I’ve been thinking about positive thoughts and where they come from.  I really have to force myself, everyday, to think of myself in positive ways.  I thought I would try to come up with a list of my favourite things, not necessarily about me but maybe it will tell the world and me what I like and love.  So, in no particular order…

  1. Blue.  I love the colour blue for so many reasons.  I sometimes gasp at a new shade that makes me wish for the tropics or paint a picture.  Neither of which I’ll be getting to do soon.  The best blues are cobalt and music.
  2. My daughter’s smile.  It lights up the whole room.  It’s a rare thing to be seen since she became a teen.  Her brother and I spied on her while shecarly was working the drive thru at her work and oh, she smiled at everyone!  We both were astounded by the transformation.  I love her more every day than I did the day before.
  3. When she laughs it’s like bells
  4. My son’s energy.  Oh man he makes me tired!  Always smiling is that guy.  Very social which is the opposite of me.  He’s always talking and getting a deal going and has high ambitions.  I am immensely proud of him.  He is definitely one of my favourite things.  I love him dearly.
  5. My Mom’s paintings she left behind.  I just love them because she 000_0131never really knew her talent until she was in her 40’s, 50’s and she still painted until she died.  She had a passion.
  6. I love when people aren’t afraid to tell me what they think.  Sometimes I’m afraid of it, thinking it might be bad but it rarely comes out that way.
  7. I love colour and beauty and movement.  I love the ballet.
  8. I love the symphony.  The music sends me somewhere else.  I fell in love with the symphony at the same time I fell in love with the ballet.
  9. I love the kindness of others.  So many people have shown me how good they can be.  I’m truly lucky to know them and I’m a better person because of them.
  10. I love cats.  So cute, especially my Lucky who is, thank goodness, stilllucky2 with us.
  11. I like dogs too but not as much as cats. 🙂
  12. I love chocolate.
  13. I love lilacs and the wonderful aroma they leave in the air during Springtime.  I don’t think we’ll be having Spring this year.
  14. Spring and Summer
  15. My favourite flower would forget-me-nots.  I think.  If I was to make a bouquet it would be made up of many different kinds.  Orchids are always an option.
  16. I love long car rides.
  17. I love going out for supper.
  18. I love new clothes.
  19. And Shoes
  20. Reading and reading
  21. I love watching movies where I get totally lost.  I really don’t have a favourite movie, there are too many.  It always depends on the mood of the movie; for action movies I love the Terminator series; for love stories my favourite has to be The Notebook.  Whatever it is it has to be good.
  22. I like that I haven’t cried in weeks and weeks.
  23. I like Dr. G.  He saved my life along with Dr. H who died way too soon.  He found me Dr. G before he had to go though.
  24. I love my father’s face when he wakes up and sees me and the joyIMG_0292 that’s there, even though he doesn’t know its me.  He knows its someone he loves and who loves him.
  25. I love my grandchild.  She’s adorable.  I love when she holds out her arms for me even if her mom is holding her.  I love when she makes me feel special like at Easter when I was giving her strawberries and she said, in her 19 month voice, Mo Gamma.
  26. I love my younger sister and her family.  And all their dogs.  And all their cats.  Those kids have been brought up right and I stole a lot of things to use to bring up mine.
  27. Student Led Parent Teacher Conferences.  I was just at my daughter’s yesterday and finally got to see her amazing photographs.  She has a passion.  All her teachers said the same thing.  She does excellent work and it’s a pleasure having her in class.  They are all sure she will go on to do great things.  She didn’t want to go because she couldn’t see the point as her report card was excellent but I made her.  I felt it was important for her to hear the praises and make plans and goals.  She was very proud of herself and could see me bursting with it as well.
  28. I like when I make good decisions.
  29. I love to laugh and laugh until I cry or a little bit of pee comes out.  Well maybe not that but you know what I mean.
  30. I love how I’ve been able to get along for more than 3 years without a car.  Maybe it’s 4.  I don’t know but it doesn’t matter much anymore.  The only time I’ll miss it is during the summer because I won’t be able to get to the beach when I want to go.
  31. THE BEACH!  OMG I love the beach so much.  I love how it smells and the sounds and love looking at the water.  In my teens, I used to have a secretdsc024061.jpg place in the cliffs where I could be alone, write in my journal and watch the water while burying my feet in hot, smooth, white sand.  I can still feel the sun on my face and arms. The spot is gone now as everything has eroded away.  My memories of it though always fill me with comfort.  No one could find me.
  32. Driving.  I know I said I didn’t miss having a car but I really like driving.  I used to drive a lot in the summers, especially, to get to my ex’s cabin, sometimes just for the day and it would be a 4 hour drive then.  2 hours each way. Oh you know what I mean.
  33. I love the show Friends and the Joeyisms.
  34. Days of Our Lives and Dr. Phil and Ellen are my friends during the day.
  35. Wine.  Yeah.
  36. Writing of course. That’s my passion.
  37. Sleeping
  38. Eating
  39. Loving
  40. No more fear

I think that should do it.  Its been very interesting making this list.  Thanks for being interested enough to read it.  I’m sure there are lots more and I’m sorry if I left out anyone. I’ll leave you with a video someone sent me today on Facebook that has become one of my favourites.

http://youtu.be/V7OGY1Jxp3o

Later

PS:  The pictures on this page belong to me and I do not give permission for anyone to copy them without my consent.  Thank you.

Looking Back, Pushing Forward


I’ve been reading some of the posts on my blog and have been learning a lot about myself.  There’s a little button I push that says “Random Post” and I click on it and get a different one every time.  Some of them are just hilarious and I’m so surprised with my sense of humour and how “on” I can be, even during difficult times.  There are posts where I can see how far the progress my thought process has become and the circle upon circles I’ve lived and survived within my world.  So even though I think I might be falling behind I can see I’m progressing and learning just like I should.reading blogs

I love the ones with my kids.

Some of my favourites aren’t necessarily the post itself, but the comments I’ve received.  So supportive, kind and so giving, They mean the world to me.  These are people who take the time out to express what my writing means to them.

Two posts that stand out, because they were written during one of the most awful times in my life are here and here.  Reading them again has really showed me how far I’ve come; the realization and seeing the journey of accepting myself with bipolar is really happening. The comments in both are what helped to keep me going.

Some that made me laugh out loud, even now, are here and here and here.

To me, two of the most meaningful posts I’ve written: here because it still moves me to tears that I could express my feelings and it was about my Dad and here because I first told a huge part of my story.

I feel bad that some of my earlier posts have been deleted when WordPress took over from MySpace and these were lost in the transfer.  I won’t get them back but I will just keep writing new ones!

There are others, of course, but the ones I picked will take a while to read or re-read if you would like to.  I would love to know which posts have been standouts for you.

Dreams Alive


dreamsaliveI know.  Once again its been months since I last posted.  It’s not my fault.  Really.  Life has had its ups and downs (it never seems to end) and now I’m taking a breather.

A little catch up if you like…I have been on a different med now for the bi-polar since about February.  It was kind of rough, going off the lithium but hey!  Look at me!  I’m writing today!  In the last couple of weeks I’ve had some glimpses into the damage my illness did that led me to lose the jobs I loved. I couldn’t see them before including the inappropriate behaviour and the way my mind just couldn’t grasp what was in front of me.  No focus and very scattered.  It’s been shocking to me really, how it wasn’t the world that was so fucked up.  It couldn’t have been me.  It does look, though, that working again is still a long way off. Besides, it’s humiliating to go to work and screw up and not have any idea why or even know it’s happening.  So I’m on disability and want to concentrate on getting well again.  The depressive part of this crap is still hanging around and, when I think I’m getting some headway I trip over it again until my knees are bloody and my best comfort is my chair.  I’ve lost 20 pounds without trying and sometimes it fluctuates to 30.   Bonus for sure.

I’ve been disturbed lately by very vivid dreams.  Now, I’ve used a CPAP at night fodreamsr years which is supposed to make my sleep so deep that I shouldn’t remember my dreams at all most of the time.  Almost every night, though, there I am, in a reality that can’t be real.  Not all are bad.  My mom is there almost every time, doing something she would always be doing when she was alive; dishes, reading the National Enquirer or, last night, she was vacuuming.  I still have the house dreams with more and more rooms being added each time; a surprise behind each door and more confusing hallways to navigate.

Now, the problem is trying to separate the dreams from my daily life.  It’s fine in the morning because the dream is still very vivid at first then starts to fade after a bit just like it should.  Then, by 6:00 pm or so large bits and pieces come back through flashes in my brain.  Very distracting when I think I’m back at work at the clinic, or thinking my daughter and I had a conversation we didn’t have or dozens of other things.

I still seem to smoke in my dreams almost every time I remember them.  I quit insmoking-PA 1987.  I wake up upset that I started again and how the hell would I be able to afford to smoke again?!  Never.  Then the relief when I realized it was, again, a dream.

Well, this is a short post as I just wanted to get back into writing again. I know it’s kind of wooden and unpolished but I’ve missed it terribly.  There is another piece of writing I’ll be doing in the next few days.  That’s a letter to someone to whom I owe a huge apology because of my past behaviour due to my illness.  I think it’s going to be easy enough to do though.

It should rest part of my sleeping self.

Saturday Morning


I woke up Saturday morning to the cooing of a delightful grandbaby and a message on my Facebook…

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I was amazed to get this wonderful affirmation. Lisa and I have seen each other maybe twice in the last 20 years. We live far apart and our lives are so different.

My reply:

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Lisa followed with more words that soothed my soul and set something free inside..

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Lisa:
Thank you for those words and letting me know your feelings. I don’t know how things get to be the way they are or where they started but they always seem to show me that everything happens for a reason. I’m tired, Lee. I’m getting too old to keep starting over and over, again and again. I know I will keep it up because that’s what I do I guess. Same as my mom and my gramma. They walk with me every day and give me the strength to get on with some simple things. My only regret in this life is how I feel my children were ripped off having a mom.  I take heart in knowing that every day I can start again, try a different path and nothing has to be too late for me or for them.

Woman wearing boxing gloves

I love that, “the next ten years will be the best in my life”.  My mantra has been changing. I’ve been telling myself I believe the opposite of the negative feelings and so far I’ve been doing better.  My son had told me that little trick long ago and its been recently I’ve been putting it into practice.  Sometimes, though, I get kabonged over the head again of my numerous shortcomings.  Good friends and new meds seem to be doing what they’re supposed to do so there is hope for me to work again.  I have no idea what work I can or will do; I just know its out there.

PS:  Please excuse my snipping.  It was my first time and the girl just chortled when I asked her what to do and then did stuff so fast there was no time for my brain to fathom what the heck was going on.  So the  FB inserts are in pieces and are sort of intentional by accident.           ~M~

Writers Block or Biters Wok


Oh hey, yeah, it’s me.  Been awhile I know.  I haven’t written anything in months!  My brain has become mush so trying to get something down on paper has been daunting.

Mush you ask?  Or did you ask?  I’m going with, yes.  Yes you did ask. And I feel like talking.

Life has been up and down, much like the moods associated with my bi-polar.  The really big news is I have an adorable granddaughter:

My heart is so filled with her sweetness and, I swear, she has a LIGHT.  Just look at her.  My son is pretty overwhelmed with the intensity of his feelings.  I asked him if he ever, ever felt this way about anyone else in his life.  He immediately said no.  I told him he may have other children but there is always something amazing about the child who made you a parent.  We love our kids the same; just differently.  Of course he deduced that I must love him more that his sister since he is my first-born.

I’ve been working part-time or unemployed this whole time.  That meant social assistance again.  I think I will, one day, dedicate a whole post just for the Welfare system.

I do have a new job.  I start this Monday.  I’m so petrified I won’t do well.  Mostly because my brain is, well, mush.

I had met a great guy and we dated for like 9 months.  We got along great and we had so much in common.  Unfortunately I was finding myself falling into the same old habits I was only partially aware I had.   I found I needed him to make me feel good about me.  I couldn’t feel even adequate unless he said I was.  I needed constant reassurance and that is just wrong.  I am supposed to love myself and it was more obvious I did not.  This was not his fault and it was hard for me to work on myself if I was waiting by the freaking phone all the time.  I also ignored some pretty strong objectionable (to me) character traits. This all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and we parted ways.  I’m certainly not going to bash him here as the man is still so dear to me and he deserves to be happy.  I miss him every day.

Please don’t expect any dating stories for quite some time.  I’m really working on myself, looking for my worth and diminishing my dependency for, what I call, needful love.  I’m tempted to write about THAT as I think I qualify as an expert.

Yeah and I had another fucking birthday.  Yippee.  Please note there is no exclamation point after that word.  My birthdays and relationships don’t go together.  My birthdays and my BODY don’t go together either.  I have had more pain these last 6 months than I ever did in my life.  I developed arthritis in my left knee.  Did you know it ATTACKS you the first time?  Oh man.  I needed a real hero to save me.

I’ll save you! You just let me handle it, little lady. *sigh*

Then, right after that, just in time for summer, my plantar fasciitis decided to come back.  Along with unbelievable low back pain, all summer I hobbled, I lurched, I was most ungraceful and very slow.  I was an old lady.

Well, that’s it.  I don’t want to push it.  I hope this didn’t come out reading too wooden.  Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think and what you would like to see.

Hey Kim Larocque!  Thank you.

Is anybody there?

How’d That Happen


I know, I know.  It’s been a long time since I parked myself in front of my clanking, deformed laptop.  Well, really, I guess, it can’t technically be  called a laptop when there’s a monitor hooked up to it.  Oh and everything is green on the screen most of the time; a reminder that Spring is here I suppose.  I have a pretty good excuse.  my TV, internet and phone was cut off.  They still are but I went to the competitor and had just the internet installed.  Both Carly and I feel better and more connected.

So where did I leave off last post?  I finished the dating series and that was a lot of fun to write.  It helped me get over some of the horror terror ridiculousness of the experience.  As I left you back in November, I did indeed meet someone.  I’m still with him in fact.  He is a lovely man.  I have no idea how long it will last but I fully intend to enjoy being in a mostly healthy relationship for the first time in my life.  It’s early but hey, I have a very nice fella.

I’ve not been in a great space the last few months. Several factors; including, pre-menopause, menopause (all in one week! No, no just jokes.), my never-ending stress with finances, a full-fledged teenaged daughter who rolls her eyes at me so much she fell down once. Or twice. No, I didn’t push her.

I think this post will be about what the heck is happening around me.  I’ve been noticing behaviours among the human race lately that leaves me quite confused.

The Bus

I take the bus to work pretty regular now.  I work days at least half the month and parking costs more than a week’s worth of groceries.  I actually started liking the bus.  If the bus hits a car it isn’t my fault.  What I don’t like is the fact that I have developed some pretty painful, well, pains, in my left knee and I have tennis elbow in my left arm.  None of this pain comes from riding the bus though.  One of them maybe, in fact, a sex related injury.  I don’t know for sure though. I don’t have a cane ($) so I guess it isn’t obvious that the lurching, obese, sweating woman with the grey starting to peek out from her last home colouring job could really use a seat.  Although, the other day a young guy about 17 got up immediately to give me his seat.  Well that was nice but then I just felt old.

A real gem I meet on the way home.  She is really beautiful, about 20 with skin the colour of milk chocolate and big dark eyes.  For some reason this girl is desperate to get on the bus FIRST.  The first time she elbowed me out of her way so she could get on ahead of everyone, I simply figured she had to pee or she had a period accident.  Well the next day, she tried it again.  I stood my ground even though I almost went sprawling in the street.  I held my place and climbed on before her.  She was then at the back of the line and was trying like mad to sit between 2 large persons on a 3 seater.  She did it on one cheek, almost sending a seatmate into the aisle.  I think I would have to pass gas constantly if I was sitting with her and just not let her up.  I’m deaf to your cries of mercy.

Hey.

My fella is the gas king.  He says he farts when he’s happy.  I think he must be really happy.

I’m having fun imagining him on the bus.

Do you understand how fit one must be to ride the bus? I use muscles I can’t remember having while standing on the bus. After the first couple of weeks days I learned not to hold onto the pole with my left arm as it hurts like hell.  I had to plant my feet and anticipate the driver’s every move and be ready not to go flying into someone.  Which I did a couple of times.  Or my backpack did. I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead from the strain; my leg would cramp at night.  This is not pole dancing, people!

Me

I was in quite a funk for a few weeks which is weird as I was also happy because of the fella and all.  I don’t think I’ve had such conflicting feelings in my life.  I would talk to Dr. G. and we would discuss meds and what was going on but I just couldn’t shake it.  I was not so far gone that I couldn’t fake a better outlook than I felt. I noticed, though, the people I work with have been avoiding me.  I was never one to make a lot of friends but this went a bit beyond that.  One night I made a conscious decision to go into work the next day and smile.  Smile at everyone.  I did.  In no time at all I was interacting with my co-workers again.  I felt better and eventually I wasn’t faking it so much.  Someone invited me for coffee, I sit at table and people come and sit with me and include me in conversations.

I really felt that I was the key factor in coming back this time.  I have to focus every day to accomplish some success.  I am still under brutal stress along with my bi-polar symptoms so this is not always an easy thing to do.  I’m pretty tired.  I’m now looking for a second job, hoping it will relieve some of the stress.

I seem to be making the most stupid mistakes.  Corrie figures it is the menopause.  I feel so vague and my spelling and typing are atrocious.  I always took such pride in those things.  My memory has leaks in it.  It started as a little drip, drip, drip but now it kinda like pin holes in a water balloon.  Lots of pin holes.

Now I hafta pee.

My Car

We will have a funeral for my beloved Mustang soon.  There is no way I can afford to fix it or buy another car.  Losing my Role and Identity of “the-mom-who-you-call-to-take-you-and-all-your-friends-wherever-and-never-say-thank-you-to-her” will be an earth-shaking event for some.  I will miss the freedom and independence a car gives me.  I could shop when I needed to and do other errands without it taking all day.

Oh Wah.

My girl turned 15, is doing amazing at school.  I just cannot believe how well she is doing considering how hard its been for her the last couple of years with me.  Sometimes that “who’s the parent and who’s the child” happens.  She deserves so much more than I can give her now.  Financially and emotionally, I am definitely challenged.  I love her so much and want to give her more.  Not just stuff, but of me.  So fragmented.  I am lucky to have her.  Even when she brings a stray kitty home.  It lasted a week and even she was saying it had to go.  The cute little thing was driving me, well, nuts.

My boy turned 27 and is going to be a dad.  I’m going to be a gramma.  We are so thrilled about this new little being.  Turns out it’s a girl and should be born around my birthday in August.  Jenni felt her move for the first time this afternoon.  Marie will be one of her names.  I’m so honoured about that.  So much to look forward to!

So this is a good start on the road back to writing.  As always, feel free to leave a comment. I’ll be back soon.

50 Lessons in 50 Years


There are always things to learn.  I want to know more about more things. I also want to do better at the things I do.  I want to just be better.  I don’t think I’m progressing fast enough though.

I realized a long time ago sometimes I have to stop, look back on what’s been going on and realize how far I’ve come. How much things have changed.  A little credit, if you will.  Two weeks ago, August 22, I turned 50.

And I’ve come a long way.  Baby.

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Thanks to the inspiration that came from Karen of Dreamin the Life blog , who, by the way, does not even know me.  I also stole wisdom from many others because they helped me to know what my truth is.  Hopefully I’ll word everything properly so it makes sense.

(Note: Many of these lessons have been acquired from other sources along my journey, and are not original thoughts.)

1. The first pancake always turns out badly.

2. I don’t have to get along with everyone, or make everyone like me.

3. Love makes me stupid.

4. I always have at least 2 choices, even if I don’t like the choices.

5. Sometimes even women need to learn to MTFU.

6. Most people operate out of selfish motivations.

7. It’s rarely about me.

8. Diet Pepsi is evil.

9. It’s okay to break the rules, as long as you are good enough not to get caught, and you aren’t hurting anyone.

10. “Be kinder than necessary ’cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

11. There’s three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

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12. Time doesn’t heal anything; it’s what you do with that time.

13. Complaining and blaming other people doesn’t help anything, and makes for miserable company.

14. Everything in my life is my responsibility.

15. I train people how to treat me.

16. There’s always hope.

17. I can always be grateful for something.

18. I’ve never made a mistake because I learned a lot of lessons.

19. My brain is complicated but not unmanagable.

20. Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness.  Knowing when it’s appropriate is a skill.

21. Google can answer anything.

22. Being silly is one of my favorite qualities in a person.

23. Honesty is always the easiest route.  It shouldn’t have to hurt though.

24. You should never stop learning, or trying to be a better person.

25. Worrying is useless, unless it motivates you to take action.

26. When people show you who they are, believe them.

27. There is only fear, and love.  And one of them is way more fun.

28. Love seems to be way over-rated

29. Verbalize what my relationship means to me – to my lover, my kids and also to me.  Listen.

30. Support my children’s dreams

31. Hold your children as much as you/they want while they are young.  They grow fast.

32. I’m responsible for the two wonderful children I have and acknowledge my role in raising them.

33.  It’s real easy to kick myself when I’m down.

34.  I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought possible.

35.  I am more vulnerable than I could imagine.

36.  I have many talents that haven’t been developed yet.

37. I love to write so much I get lost in it.

38. Beautiful things take my breath away.copying prohibited

39. Beautiful words will last a lifetime with me.

40. I love it when the man I love hugs me from behind and whispers in my ear.

41. I’m terrified of becoming my mother even though I admire her.

42. I’m more forgiving than I should be.

43. I don’t like to be told what to do.

44. I cook better than I realized.

45. I’m impressed when people ask me for my advice.

46. Discussion of ex-gf’s and ex-bf’s should be avoided at all times.

47. It’s cheating as soon as a man is doing something with another woman that he wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

48. Banks are people too!

49. Dieting does not work for me.

50 Life isn’t fair.

Good thing I’m just 50.  Whew, that took some work and soul-searching. Thank you to every person I love, who has taught me something, or encouraged me along the way.

Feel free to add to the list in the comments below.