Wishes

I usually make a wish every morning on my way to work.  I go through an underpass with a train moving above me.  The superstition is (and I am very superstitious) as you drive under the bridge you take your feet off the floor, close your eyes, lick your thumb and thunk it to the ceiling of the car all while you make your wish.  Make sure the train is above you and moving.  I have been doing this for years and I have learned to be careful what I wish for.

One time I wished for money.  Found a nickel that very day.  Big whup. 

I tried to be more specific and wished to win the lottery.  I got $2 that Friday.  Not really what I had in mind.

Many times I wished for things beyond my control (yeah, like winning money isn’t beyond my control?) such as wishing my ex had loved me enough or my son to quit smoking or someone would give me as much chocolate I want.  I learned that wishing for things that involve other people just do not come true.  I think those things have already been decided.  Kinda have to do stuff for myself most of the time.

Mostly what I wish for is for my mental illness to stabilize and it has, many times.  Unfortunately or fortunately, however you want to look at it.  I cannot wish it away because it won’t go away and I really don’t mind having bi-polar disorder, as long as my meds are working.  Up to as recently as a month ago, my meds were sliding and that is not good.  That means I was sliding and I hate that.  So much.  My Dr. G. fixed me up tout suite with an increase, and after 2 weeks in spite of the horrible side effects, I can’t believe how I feel: wonderful.  Gone is the anxiety and I love how I am able to see things more clearly.  No depressive episodes, no paranoia; I feel on top of the game.  Today Dr. G. wanted me to go back to the former dose because of the side effects but I said no.  I want to hold on to this amazing confidence I know is always there but suppressed because of my illness.  I know the unpleasant side effects will go away.  In fact they are better already.

So what should one wish for?  My advice is to keep it simple.  Just wish for things to be better. 

Oh, and I just remembered there are 2 chocolate bars in my purse!

Oh, and don’t crash into anything.