I know, I know. It’s been a long time since I parked myself in front of my clanking, deformed laptop. Well, really, I guess, it can’t technically be called a laptop when there’s a monitor hooked up to it. Oh and everything is green on the screen most of the time; a reminder that Spring is here I suppose. I have a pretty good excuse. my TV, internet and phone was cut off. They still are but I went to the competitor and had just the internet installed. Both Carly and I feel better and more connected.
So where did I leave off last post? I finished the dating series and that was a lot of fun to write. It helped me get over some of the
horror terror ridiculousness of the experience. As I left you back in November, I did indeed meet someone. I’m still with him in fact. He is a lovely man. I have no idea how long it will last but I fully intend to enjoy being in a mostly healthy relationship for the first time in my life. It’s early but hey, I have a very nice fella.
I’ve not been in a great space the last few months. Several factors; including, pre-menopause, menopause (all in one week! No, no just jokes.), my never-ending stress with finances, a full-fledged teenaged daughter who rolls her eyes at me so much she fell down once. Or twice. No, I didn’t push her.
I think this post will be about what the heck is happening around me. I’ve been noticing behaviours among the human race lately that leaves me quite confused.
I take the bus to work pretty regular now. I work days at least half the month and parking costs more than a week’s worth of groceries. I actually started liking the bus. If the bus hits a car it isn’t my fault. What I don’t like is the fact that I have developed some pretty painful, well, pains, in my left knee and I have tennis elbow in my left arm. None of this pain comes from riding the bus though. One of them maybe, in fact, a sex related injury. I don’t know for sure though. I don’t have a cane ($) so I guess it isn’t obvious that the lurching, obese, sweating woman with the grey starting to peek out from her last home colouring job could really use a seat. Although, the other day a young guy about 17 got up immediately to give me his seat. Well that was nice but then I just felt old.
A real gem I meet on the way home. She is really beautiful, about 20 with skin the colour of milk chocolate and big dark eyes. For some reason this girl is desperate to get on the bus FIRST. The first time she elbowed me out of her way so she could get on ahead of everyone, I simply figured she had to pee or she had a period accident. Well the next day, she tried it again. I stood my ground even though I almost went sprawling in the street. I held my place and climbed on before her. She was then at the back of the line and was trying like mad to sit between 2 large persons on a 3 seater. She did it on one cheek, almost sending a seatmate into the aisle. I think I would have to pass gas constantly if I was sitting with her and just not let her up. I’m deaf to your cries of mercy.
My fella is the gas king. He says he farts when he’s happy. I think he must be really happy.
I’m having fun imagining him on the bus.
Do you understand how fit one must be to ride the bus? I use muscles I can’t remember having while standing on the bus. After the first couple of
weeks days I learned not to hold onto the pole with my left arm as it hurts like hell. I had to plant my feet and anticipate the driver’s every move and be ready not to go flying into someone. Which I did a couple of times. Or my backpack did. I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead from the strain; my leg would cramp at night. This is not pole dancing, people!
I was in quite a funk for a few weeks which is weird as I was also happy because of the fella and all. I don’t think I’ve had such conflicting feelings in my life. I would talk to Dr. G. and we would discuss meds and what was going on but I just couldn’t shake it. I was not so far gone that I couldn’t fake a better outlook than I felt. I noticed, though, the people I work with have been avoiding me. I was never one to make a lot of friends but this went a bit beyond that. One night I made a conscious decision to go into work the next day and smile. Smile at everyone. I did. In no time at all I was interacting with my co-workers again. I felt better and eventually I wasn’t faking it so much. Someone invited me for coffee, I sit at table and people come and sit with me and include me in conversations.
I really felt that I was the key factor in coming back this time. I have to focus every day to accomplish some success. I am still under brutal stress along with my bi-polar symptoms so this is not always an easy thing to do. I’m pretty tired. I’m now looking for a second job, hoping it will relieve some of the stress.
I seem to be making the most stupid mistakes. Corrie figures it is the menopause. I feel so vague and my spelling and typing are atrocious. I always took such pride in those things. My memory has leaks in it. It started as a little drip, drip, drip but now it kinda like pin holes in a water balloon. Lots of pin holes.
Now I hafta pee.
We will have a funeral for my beloved Mustang soon. There is no way I can afford to fix it or buy another car. Losing my Role and Identity of “the-mom-who-you-call-to-take-you-and-all-your-friends-wherever-and-never-say-thank-you-to-her” will be an earth-shaking event for some. I will miss the freedom and independence a car gives me. I could shop when I needed to and do other errands without it taking all day.
My girl turned 15, is doing amazing at school. I just cannot believe how well she is doing considering how hard its been for her the last couple of years with me. Sometimes that “who’s the parent and who’s the child” happens. She deserves so much more than I can give her now. Financially and emotionally, I am definitely challenged. I love her so much and want to give her more. Not just stuff, but of me. So fragmented. I am lucky to have her. Even when she brings a stray kitty home. It lasted a week and even she was saying it had to go. The cute little thing was driving me, well, nuts.
My boy turned 27 and is going to be a dad. I’m going to be a gramma. We are so thrilled about this new little being. Turns out it’s a girl and should be born around my birthday in August. Jenni felt her move for the first time this afternoon. Marie will be one of her names. I’m so honoured about that. So much to look forward to!