Category Archives: nasty nellie

Just turn around and go the other way and do NOT mess with me.

Stupid Brain


Hello Brain! What the hell is up with this crap lately? Here I’ve been bragging about how great I’ve been doing and today nothing seems to be working on all circuits! stupid brainWake up! Focus! Be my best friend again!

I don’t understand what happened.  I feel exhausted; so tired I fall asleep in my chair.  Last night my body physically HURT.  I had headaches.  My neck and back were so stiff I could hardly move.  I think even the old ladies at the personal care home where I volunteer could have outrun me without even trying!  Today I was shaking so bad I had to use my arm to hold my other arm still so I could drink from a glass.  Eating with a fork or spoon was not happening either. This is a lovely side effect that hasn’t reared its ugly head in quite a while.  It’s quite embarrassing when I’m in public which, of course, I was.

There’s been a fog around me for a couple of days and I’m hoping it will only last a short time.  I know part of it has to do with my frustrations with finances and settlements with the ex that STILL hasn’t happened although that seems to finally be coming together.  I tried to do an Excel worksheet to keep track of what I pay and owe and when to pay everything but I ended up using my pen and paper and drawing columns and making a big mess and now there is no TV!  ARGH!!

My Dr. G and I talked on Wednesday.  Well, I talked and he listened.  The more I Dr Gtalked the more all the frustration came out: parenting a teen and an adult son, facing some of my social phobias, and the situation with food or lack there of. There were a whole lot of other things that came up that I didn’t expect.  My chest hurt after that session.

I just want to feel better again.  I know I will.

It looks like I’ll have to walk to my volunteer job (2.9 km or 36 min walk according to Google Maps) all next week.  Hopefully the wind chills will be decent. Weird how Social Services works…they encouraged me to volunteer but won’t give me bus fare to get there!

Anyhow, this is a venting post (boo hoo poor me) and there is nothing anyone sorrycan do about anything although a lovely friend is going to come over and look through my freezer and we will cook some things I hope the girl will like.

So I’ll post again next week and I’m sure I’ll be right back to my sunny self again.  Along with having Viking calves from all the walking. And I’ll write shorter sentences.

viking calvesPeace and love.

Mambo Dating #5


I apologize for the delay in this post.  I was wrestling with old and new demons and have won once again.  Well, I’m getting there.  I need some new ammunition I think.

Well, the saga of my online dating experiences went on.  I think I may have run out of bad guys though so I’ll change it up a bit.  Some good and many bad men have become a part of my history, whether I wanted them to or not.  So like the Mambo #5 song I had various men make an appearance in my life, most very briefly.  I learned from all of them.

One of the things I like about having access to men’s profiles on my selected dating site is the game I’ve had to play to try to read into what they are really talking about.  This isn’t easy in most cases.  The majority of the men I talked about in my last 4 installments had profiles that made them seem like anybody’s dream guy or was so neutral I only found out how bad they were when it was almost too late.

That means, they lie.  Not all do but the many I encountered did.

I wish to give you a few examples and you try to guess the dreamboat I encountered.  All spelling and grammar is included.  Just click on the names and go back to the original post so you can recall their utter charm. I deleted specific mention of places that may identify them.

Example number one:

I am a well balanced man who lives life to the fullest. i enjoy dancing, travel, music, reading, live theatre and much more. my goal/aspirations is to find a woman who is stable who has dealt with past issues/relationships and ready to move forward toward a meaningful relationship. i take pride in myself as a healthy individual without being self absorbed. i am flexable, kind, opened minded, keep up with current affairs and trends. i have no time for negative energy

First Date
i would like to go to a fine outside cafe for lunch and chat to get to know each other. if things clicked, arrangements would be made to meet again to do anything that we’d both feel comfortable doing, spontaneity is cool.

Multiple choice:  a) Pretty Pornographer     b) Bobby or    c) Maxwell

#2:

…The women for me needs a sense of humor. I’m a easy going, jovial guy that likes the simple things in life. You know KISS. That’s me, not flashy just plain me. I like people, so it’s very easy for me to make friends. That’s what I’m looking for in a mate. I’m looking for that women that I can connect with.(Maybe need fish finder?)  I’ve never been married, so I don’t have any children. I own a house in — , that I like to keep clean. I like all kinds of sports, however I don’t play too many any more. Golf, Baseball, and working out once in awhile. I like the beach, especially on a real hot calm summer day. Mmmmmmm – frisbee too…

a)  Bobby  b) Creepy 400 lb Stuffie Talker or c) Dreamy Bald Guy

Okay, one more  #3:

I like being active, I really try to pay it forward all the time. I like down to earth people not those who try to impress the heck out of you with all of their accomplishments. I like a healthier type of lifestyle but I am far from obsessed. I do go to the gym lots but right now it is my stress relief and my social network of like minded people. I want to be a good friend first (chemistry) then all the other good stuff will follow i am sure. My answer to that would be ………..fill in your own blank. I like music,kisses,hugs,lots of smiles,dogs and cats, like slimmer people athletic types just people better sized for me. I really like people who can spell at least reasonably well and who have some command of grammar. Typos happen I get that.

First Date
You lead I’ll follow if it sounds good.

a) Bobby  b) Dreamy Bald Guy  or c) Maxwell

Answers:

1)Bobby   2) Creepy 400 lb Stuffie Talker 3) Dreamy Bald Guy

Those are just a few I had to figure out.

I will end this series with this lovely quote from another dreamy bald guy.  He very kindly gave me his permission to use it.

We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever…… But love isn’t like that… It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable; But don’t be surprised when it leaves either, Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.

We’ve all had that feeling, and its come and gone again, that’s why most of us are here, to try and capture that feeling again, and it is wonderful isn’t it? So if the fates are with us, we will find that person and experience it again, and perhaps, just perhaps it will last forever this time…….here’s hoping.

Oh yeah, I met someone.  He’s pretty dreamy. 🙂

a story about bad dates but not so funny


My adventures in bad online dating haven’t been limited to the men I’ve met in person.  No, no.  Remember I mentioned the chat option in one of the previous entries?  This feature is an effective way to flush out the ones who really should go down the toilet.

If it were so easy!

I learned that there are guys out there that hide their profile from everyone else; in other words they can see you but you can’t see them.  I know this because many times guys ask to chat and when I go to find them in the “Online Now” window, they aren’t there.  You can, however, still check out their profile.  You can never see when they are online though unless you and he happen to exchange emails on the site.

Another advantage for this sort of sneaky behaviour is to bypass any parameters you may have set in your email options.  My parameters give a lot of restrictions so it’s not so easy to send me an email first.  Once I send the guy an email then the parameters are off.  This resorts to some people to try to chat with me.  If they don’t have a picture, I tell them to email it to me on the site.  Believe me, the majority don’t because they can’t get through.  Some use really lame excuses about why they can’t upload it onto my email on the site but, hey there sweetness, I can send it to your private email no problem.

I only allowed that to happen twice.  The first guy was fine and it was no problem.  He was a nice guy with whom I became friends with, never meeting each other in person.  He’s a man with many problems and difficulties in his life and appreciates the fact that I am not going to fix him.

The second guy caused me so much grief in a 48 hour period.  He wanted to chat and I said it wasn’t fair unless I knew who I was talking to.  I always want more than one picture just so I can see the guy has more than one picture of himself and not of a model on Google.  So the odds would be that he was more real than not.  It’s not foolproof but it’s better than what the site offers.

So yadda, yadda he didn’t know how to upload the pictures to the dating site and asked for my email.  I checked his profile.  I gave it to him and he gave me his.  We chatted for a few more minutes and I thought I would just clarify something in his profile with him and went to click on it again.  It was gone.  So was he.  I frantically tried to find him, remembering his profile name.  Nothing.

It was so weird.  I stressed about that for a bit and updated all my virus protectors and such.  A while later an email came through:

Hello dear friend how are you doing .? Hope everything is going on well with you, I am Maxwell from blahblah.com hope you remember right.I am just trying to see if the email address you gave me is working so please drop me a line as soon as you receive this message okay. Bye for now and please take good care of yourself..
                                                          Maxwell

I quickly emailed him back:

Hi Maxwell.  Not sure what you’re up to but suddenly your profile does not exist.

As soon as I hit send, I realized what I’d done.

The day turned into night and I couldn’t stop thinking about what this guy could do with the information he could get from my simple email.  My IP address would tell him where my computer was.

He could come here.  I put my daughter and I in grave danger.

I didn’t sleep that night at all, barricaded the door, watching out the windows.  Full paranoia mode had hit me.  I knew this was happening but there was nothing I could do.  I got my daughter up for school as soon as I saw her moving, wanting like mad to get her out of the apartment.  I went back home and walked around and around the apartment.  I debated calling the police.  Nothing had happened so I knew they could do nothing.  Soon it was time for me to pick up my girl.  I kept us out of the apartment for as long as I could.  She became suspicious and asked me what was wrong.  I just said I was creeped out.  I wanted Carly to stay at a friend’s place that night.  She agreed, but not after feeling creeped out herself.  I couldn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t want to go home. I knew he would be waiting for us.

We got to the apartment and I made her stay away from the door while I went in first to check it out.  She was really becoming alarmed.  She kept asking me what happened.  I just told her it was part of my illness and it will pass.  I would feel better with her staying at her friend’s place for tonight.  She packed her bag and I took her to a safer place; at least to me it was safer.

I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.  I slept for hours and hours.  When I woke up I felt better.  I went to the computer planning to do the whole search thing and agonized over my mistake again.

There was another email:

Hello Marie how are you doing this morning .? Hope everything is well with you, sorry for not answering your message earlier ok i also can’t find my profile too and very surprise i think there was a technical problem.. Please send me a message and ask me anything that you want to know about me and i will tell you ok. This is my picture and i hope it’s not going to scare you away (smiling).. Bye for now and have a nice day..

Saying he tried to find his profile was the kicker.  You can’t find a profile unless you already have one.  The email had 3 pictures attached.  Needless to say I did NOT open them nor did I reply.  I systematically blocked him and reported him as a scam to my Hotmail account.  There was nothing I could do on the dating site as he deleted everything he had on it.  This won’t stop him from opening other accounts on the same site.

Maybe he didn’t mean to be malicious. I felt vulnerable enough, though, to have a full-fledged paranoid episode which only happened to me one other time in my life.  Believe me, they are beyond anxiety.

So that ended better than better.  I never gave my email out again.  So, if my readers are on the dating sites please remember this safety tip; don’t give your personal email address to anyone until your third date or you’re getting married or something.

I do have some nice stories to tell and I think I will tell you one in my next installment.  So please stay tuned.  For some of you?  Please don’t read it while walking.

You know who you are.  😛

about bad dates and funny stories continues


I’ve had good feedback for the first installment of my online dating experiences.  There were a few private messages concerning my conduct and how I should be more careful.  I totally agree with my friends about that.  Never, never should I have had someone pick me up at my home.  Never ever should I give out my phone number so fast.  Never, ever, NEVER get into a stranger’s van no matter how much I think I can take him.  I really did learn my lessons and haven’t done it again.  Lucky for me, there was no harm done and I won’t risk a next time.

So let’s talk about Bobby; a piece of work for sure.  Again, a man who’s older than I; 62 to my 50.  Charming on the phone and online.  Musician, articulate, educated. He had an incredible speaking voice.  We talked for at least a week before I agreed to meet him. There must have been warning signals that I missed or ignored.

I met him at the casino where we were going to have tea at the restaurant.  I made it first and sat down in the lobby to wait for him.  A nice looking man came up to me and, after saying my name, held out his hand for me to take.  His hair was dyed jet black and he was balding on top, confirming my original suspicion that the picture he sent me was more than 10 years old.  We walked into the restaurant already laughing with each other and happy to finally meet in person.  That lasted 2 minutes.  We approached the hostess.

Bobby explained, rather loudly and in an almost threatening voice he wanted a quiet table as he was fixing to seduce his woman.  Uh oh.  The other waitresses thought he was charming and giggled at him while the hostess looked for just the right table while he nattered about seclusion and time alone.  She seemed to have spotted one and led us to it.  Right away Bobby didn’t like it.  He felt it was in a potentially busy area.

He kept complaining about the table especially when a group sat down at a booth 2 tables away.  He was so angry and wanted to leave the place altogether.  I wouldn’t go though.  He demanded the waiter move us to a better table.  He gave the poor guy so much flack.  He pointed out several areas to Bobby.  None would work for him.  It was all a conspiracy of some kind.  At this point I was dying inside.  I haven’t even had any tea yet!

The waiter finally let Bobby decide where to sit.  He looked carefully around the restaurant and chose one in an area that looked closed off.  Again they bickered.  Finally, the manager came over and said to just go ahead and sit there.  Behind Bobby’s back, the manager gave me a very solemn nod.  I knew he was keeping his eye on Bobby.  Our tea finally arrived.

I was not impressed by how badly he treated everyone; how loud and belligerent he was when he didn’t get his way.  More than one person there rolled their eyes and ground their teeth.  I couldn’t wait for this to end.

I asked  him questions about his kids who were all grown and about his grandkids.  It was easy to tell he did not want to talk about them.  Meanwhile, he wanted to know all about my illness and what some of the symptoms were.

In no time, of course, he got around to talking about sex.

His feet, sans shoes, ran up and down my legs.  He complained endlessly about the people around us, convinced they were hovering just to listen to our conversation.  I explained to him that he parked us on the other side of the half-wall where the buffet was.  He also suspected that the waitresses, who were busing tables near us, were only doing so to listen in and spy on us. He gave anyone who passed within 12 feet of our table the evil eye and I think he even growled once or twice.  I know he did shout at  someone to mind their own business and move along.

Bobby seemed to have some kind of personality disorder.  I may even guess it’s not regulated by medication of any kind.

After barely an hour, I explained I had to go cook supper for my family and thank you for the lovely time.  He wanted me to pay for the tea but ended up doing it himself.  He started walking with me to the door of the casino.  I told him it was only 5:00 and I could find my car fine.  He insisted he wanted to make sure I got there safely (ha!) and he wanted to spend some more time with me.  On the way to my car he asked if he could call me for a second date.  I hemmed and hawed a bit and said sure, thinking I would just turn him down when he called.  I didn’t want to see what happened to him if he was rejected in public.

As we walked, he yelled at cars to get out of our way, made rude noises at people and generally was a humongous embarrassment.  He held fast to my hand and literally steered me everywhere.  I finally found my car while fending off his questions of what was the biggest penis I ever saw, how many times have I had an orgasm and do I really have a 6 date rule.

At my car I thought to dump my purse in the car right away, figuring I would need both arms to defend myself.  I hung on to my keys though. Bobby tenderly asked me if he could have a hug.  I said sure and gave him a very sisterly hug.

Not so bad.

As I pulled away and started to say goodbye there was his tongue straight down my throat without any preliminaries whatsoever.  He slammed me up against my car with his hands on my backside, grinding against me.  I fought him off pretty easily.  He finally let go of my teeth long enough for me to say “noseconddatenotonyourlife” at which point there was his tongue again.  I just couldn’t believe it.

I finally got him off me and far enough away for me to get into my car and lock it.  He was knocking on the window, grinning and concerned at the same time.  “Can I call you tonight?  I’d like us to do something tonight. I really like you Marie.  C’mon!”

Unfrickinbelievable

No I didn’t hear from him again and I’m so grateful. I decided then and there that I’m going to be the one to seek out someone next time instead of me being “selected”.  It’s funny too, how I always thought I liked it when somebody picked me first.

Part 3 will be coming on soon.  I hope one of these segments will have a happy ending!

funny stories about bad dates


My sister and I went for our walk tonight.  She wanted the details of my dating experiences I’ve had so far with an on-line dating service.  It was good to tell her about my week; I finally could see the humour in it.

And there was a lot.  Of humour, I mean.

I can sit watching the dating site’s in-box feature where everyone you corresponded with will show up; the site making sure you know they’re online and available to chat.

In my case, since I am a chatty thing, there are lots of names there on any given evening.  Almost all these men shall now become a part of this post.

Including the guy who posts a picture of himself 200 pounds ago.  Now I knew how big he was before we met so it wasn’t really a surprise.  What surprised me was how much of a predator he was, how full of himself, and pompous.  It was all about the hunt.  Mr. Octopus by the third date.  He had stuffed animal-toys in his house and they all had names and different voices.  Kinda creepy. He tried to change my diet Pepsi habit, my salt intake and what I listen to before I go to sleep at night.  When I sort of broke it off after a date of more fighting him off, saying we could just start over and take our time more, he decided he wasn’t physically attracted to me.  No problem.  and Whew!

Then I talked to a guy on-line for a few days.  He sent me a picture; it was pretty good but I didn’t believe it was really him.  The guy said he won’t post his picture on the dating site because then he gets bombarded with too many unwantables.  Apparently, I was a wantable.  We switched over to a better chat host and he sent me another picture.  This one took my breath away.  He was absolutely gorgeous to look at.  Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt.  I kid you not.  I was amazed I had this guys attention.  So amazed, in fact, that I missed a few key clues along the way to his personality . But I did catch on in time that he was psycho.

Not him but sorta close.

The night before we were going to meet for the first time, he decided for some reason, to bring up porn.  He asked me if I liked porn.  I said no.  He asked why.  I told him why.  He flipped out.  He wrote in all caps (screaming) that I was a victim lover and help make society restrictive and unbearable to live in.  He called me names.  Really bad names.  But none that I hadn’t heard before.

I disconnected and proceeded to block him from anywhere I had talked to him.

Then I went and had a shower.  I had almost met this guy.  Scary stuff out there.

More recently, I found a fellow on the site, who said he had a rare form of arthritis.  I wrote to him to ask him what kind it was.  He answered back and we tried to chat.   I gave him my phone number so he wouldn’t have to type so much with one finger.  We had such a nice time on the phone I agreed to meet him the next day.  Turned out he lived a block or so away from me.  Because of his age (60 to my 50), my safeguards (name, address and phone number to my kids) he picked me up at my place.

Well I was waiting at the agreed upon time when he called to say he would be late by 20 minutes.  Okay with me.  I tried to do something better with my hair.

I went out front of the building to wait for him.  Along comes this van, hurtling itself around the corner to my street, screeching to a halt, backing up to turn around, narrowly missing a parked car.  He sped up to the door, almost resting on the boulevard.

My thought was:  oh dear.

I opened the door and there was this smiling, very wrinkled face looking back at me.  He was practically bouncing up in his seat.  He kept saying”Oh wow, you’re real. Wow what a woman” and checking out every inch of me.  He continued to do this as we were driving, swerving into the other lane jumping the curb once.  I made him stop the van for a moment so he could collect himself.  He turned on all the lights in the van so he could show me his deformities.  They were absolutely severe.  That wasn’t the problem though.

He smelled really bad.

Those who follow my blog know about my sensitivity to odours.  Gooood ones and baaad ones.  This was a bad one but it would get worse.

We got to the pancake house where George announced to everyone that this was our first date.  Everyone made a fuss over us and led us to a quiet table.  I had tea and he had coffee.

Not 5 minutes into the conversation, he suddenly stopped talking about his deformities for the fourth time and asked me what my favourite sexual position was.  He really did.  I didn’t tell him, of course, but did tell him how offensive that was.  He was so sorry but asked again in a different way a few minutes later.  The waitress kept coming over, cooing how cute we were and looking at me like I must be some kind of saint.

George finally left the table to use the washroom so I took the opportunity to frantically text my daughter to please call in a few minutes and ask me to pick her up.

George came back to the table excitedly shouting to the waitress to please save him, bring more coffee.  I sank lower in the booth.  He sat down and started rubbing his leg up against mine.  I told him not to do that.  He said it was an accident.  I kept checking my phone. He kept rubbing my leg and making these grunting noises.  I finally told George that my daughter has to be picked up shortly.  He said he would love to come with me, with a leer on his face and his tongue sticking out from between his missing teeth.

My daughter finally texted me back saying “but mom I’m going to my friend’s house remember?”

Great.  Good job.  We need a code.

We finally got back in the van and were heading back to my place.  I know I was quiet and it was mostly because I was trying not to throw up.  With him drinking the coffee along whatever other smell he had on I was having a hard time not being sick.  I don’t mean to be disrespectful about this or his deformities.  It was so bad and too much for me.

We pulled up to the front of my building, almost hitting the same car.  He put the van in P and flung off his seat belt and held open his arms and said, “c’mere”.  Oh Jeez.  I opened my door, saying I had to run or be late getting my kid.  I nearly ran up the steps.

The next day he sent me an email saying he thought about it but he didn’t feel we would work out.

Double whew.

The next guy is a whole post on his own.  So this will be at least a 2 parter if not a series.  Stay tuned.  It does get better.

Depending how many frogs I keep almost kissing.

I’m not even going to pretend to know what these guys are thinking.  This has been a whole different world for me.  When I met my last fella on the same site he was the second guy I met.  It’s not so simple now.

Later, I’ll tell you all about Bobby (not his real name).

Peace…


I know what I’ve written may read rather all over the place.  I’ve edited as much as I’m able to.  I’m satisfied though, that my message is clear.  I ask not to be judged and appreciate your support.

When will this ridiculous disorder decide what it’s going to do already?  I’ve had enough of new or exaggerated symptoms.  I want a way out of this prison that is holding my brain hostage and my life in limbo.

I’ve experienced the deep, dark blue of depression where it was all I could do to hold on to my life.  I’ve even lived through the highs: racing thoughts, reckless abandon with money, big ideas.    What I was not prepared for was the all encompassing consumption of this disease, even while on meds.

Consumed.

I’ve been consumed with various things for weeks, none being productive nor good for me.  I mentioned my racing mind.  That’s a huge symptom and the springboard for the others.

The worst times are the nights.

I stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning.  Every day.  Not easy getting up at 7:30.  Not good either, considering I’ve been going to a wonderful program and working at my contract part-time job.  The job was only for 2 weeks and I did lousy at it.  I’ll be lucky if they call me again.  Both the program and the job ended this past weekend.

What do I do during the night?  Why, I’m right here.  For weeks not writing in my blog  as some of you may have noticed.  Not researching jobs I should be applying for.

No.

I’m on dating sites.  Talking to strangers who really aren’t pretending to want to know me except in the carnal sense of the word.  I could think of nothing else but to see whether anyone had messaged me.  I even checked my phone while at work, taking more breaks than allowed.  Even as I write this I’m peeking at the other page to see who’s on.

Men messaged me, saying all the nice things I wanted to hear.  Good thing there was SOME judgement left in me where I made sure to talk to them for quite a while before meeting them.  I even had a safe plan if I was to meet anyone.   One guy went ballistic when I gave my view on porn after he asked.  A real bully and potential emotional terrorist.  Didn’t meet that one, but it was close.

Another man seemed to be perfect.  He was very spiritual and funny.  So amazing looking in his pictures; what could he possibly want with me?  He didn’t talk about sex at all until about a week of talking online and then it was for one evening and, charmingly,  he was filled with regret the next day.  I made the mistake of letting him read my blog.  So here is this stranger reading about the most vulnerable times in my life.  I was so anxious I did the wrong thing.  He assured me otherwise.  He felt closer to me than ever.

Then, a few days later, he stopped answering my messages and emails.  I only sent 3 as I did not want to look more pathetic.  I was devastated.  We were just about to meet in person. He played me like some kind of stringed instrument with a background of primal african drums. When I got to my Sara Riel program the next day I couldn’t focus and I cried throughout the class.  The other participants and the facilitator were so wonderful.  I stayed until the end of the day and wallowed for a couple more but went on with my life, as it was. One morning, I woke up and it was done.  But now the other symptoms were becoming more apparent.  In hindsight that is.

I only met one fellow in person and ended up hurting and confusing him with my scattered thinking and poor judgement.  I felt nothing for the guy except that he was funny, made me laugh and feel good.  As a matter of fact I felt shocked that this was the first time in my history with men that I didn’t imagine I was in love with someone I was with or even turned on with HIM.  I was clingy and paranoid.  I accused him of things that were ridiculous.

Sex had consumed me and my every thought and movement. There seemed to be no way to stop.  It was destroying my life.

This had never, ever happened to me before. “Hypersexuality” it’s called. Thank god it’s ending now. Unfortunately, that usually means a crash. I hope I’m ready for it.

I was also drinking.  Every day.  Weeks of it.  Never giving a thought as to how this fucks up my meds.  It wasn’t until tonight I realized there is something definitely wrong with me and did some research.  I found out that not only does alcohol retard the effects of the medication I take, it also can cause death, and not rarely either.  My meds affect my central nervous system and, mixed with alcohol, are lethal.

For those of you who are living with bi-polar disorder or who love someone who is, please visit this website here.  Read it, read it, read it.

Now for my plan:

  • It’s cold outside but I am going to walk at least a block every day and slowly add to it.
  • Somehow I have to limit my time on the Web.  That’s so hard to do since my life is so isolated.
  • I will read more and even watch TV.
  • I have to stay off that dating website as much as possible.
  • I will eat better and buy groceries.
  • I will NOT drink alcohol at all.

Thank you all for being here with me and making it all the way through this post.

I wasn’t sure I was going to.

Peace

Guilt and Distance


I’m guilty.  This is something I would do it all the time if I had the chance.  I don’t know why I give in to this ridiculous offense and why I do it so often.  Many of my friends have been my victims and still love me anyway.  I’ve actually gotten better the last couple of years.  It wasn’t until last night where the urge was so strong it was almost irresistible.

Yes I can admit it. It’s sometimes an overwhelming feeling and I just have to do it.  Last night I almost picked up my phone and drunk dialed Dennis, my former boyfriend of less than one week.  That would have been a disaster beyond disasters.  I didn’t do it.  I was drunk but remained strong.

It started with my son, Jay coming for supper and bringing his new girlfriend for us to meet.    They brought me, the momma, wine.

Not just wine but a magnum of wine.  And wine in a can.  Yes, we had wine in a can.  The bottle and the can hit me very, very hard.  Not like CLUNK in the head but, well yeah, like CLANG in the head.  Like I said earlier, I was so tempted to call Dennis up and let him sweet talk me.  Well, I don’t think he would have sweet talked me at all but he might have taken the opportunity to make me more miserable than I already was.  At that moment he had the power to do that.  When my pickled brain actually realized that this made sense I could lose the urge more easily when otherwise I would normally give in to it.  I’m pretty proud of not calling. I know I’m still very vulnerable so I won’t take that risk again.

Carrying around a cell phone for the last 12 years was when my drunk dialing problem really came to light.  I called friends countless of times and at all hours.  Hell, I called everyone in my directory at one time or another and some of them weren’t even friends.  Most people who would be with me at the time would do nothing to stop me.  They would just sit there and watch and cheer me on. I was pretty entertaining trying to not sound drunk while trying to engage the sleepy and very polite person in conversation.

Usually the jig was up within moments then I was “on”.  I called one friend with the excuse I couldn’t find my wine glass anywhere and expected him to know where it was.  He was great and sent me all over the house and the yard until I finally found it, half full, by the wood pile in the yard.  Huh, didn’t have a clue how it got there.  It was 3:30 in the morning.

I blush.

So if I have your number I’m sorry. So take heart that the urge has diminished with time.  I plan to stay away from the booze until my frame of mind is better.  Yesterday I felt pretty down, lonely and useless all day.  I even had to go home from work early.  I napped in the afternoon and waited for my kids to get home.

Lots of times booze is my friend and I have fun and I dance and everything is in moderation but on days like yesterday it was my bitter enemy.  I know better than to drink that much with my meds and when I’m already feeling so lost and sad.  I’m glad no harm came of it.

No one was dialed.  This time, no one was hurt.

The new girlfriend still thought I was great.  I thought she was pretty great too.  For heaven’s sake, she brought me wine in a can!