I’m going to try really hard not to whine or be too sappy. Some sappiness is necessary because some of this post is about my Mum. You know what that means. Hankies at the ready…not for you but me for sure. Whining is also gonna happen. I promise to keep it to a minimum.
Everything started on Thursday night with a ridiculous fight with my fella. We had just spent the week before together and half way through that week, I knew it wasn’t going to work any more. And that realization hurt more than anything else that happened after. Less than a week after I went home we had the fight that was so long in coming. I ended up hanging up on our video call with him still spewing garbage at me. Wonder how long it took him to realize I wasn’t there?
I’m not going to say much about our relationship only because I hardly mentioned him in my other posts. He is a sweet man with many faults, as do I but ours were not the kind of faults that work well together. We were very different in many ways. We didn’t argue much except for the last few weeks and that wasnt even arguing, it was more me shutting my mouth and taking it. I’m pretty easy-going about lots of things but only up to a point.
I always need time to think through things that are happening and whether these problems are because of me and/or my bipolar disorder. I’ve learned to examine things (like this relationship) and try to discover the things that are real, exaggerated or nonexistent. I do this on a daily basis with just about everything. No wonder I’m so tired. I thought about this a lot with Dennis and I. And hey, I gained 30 pounds since I met him. Eh?
Friday night was more of the same garbage flinging and after only a few harsh sentences were hurled at my head I told him it was over. He was quite agreeable. I wanted off that call before I heard more about what’s wrong with me. I didn’t want to tell him off. There was just no point. So I hung up. Just leave it at that. Done after a year.
I learned so much good stuff from all the good stuff and the bad stuff too. It made me realize what I wanted more than what I didn’t want.
For good measure I deleted him and his family from my Facebook so I wouldn’t have to deal with more pain. It is still so raw for me. I loved him and his family so much and tried to help out and be a friend to everyone as much as I could. This relationship was not a mistake but just a really positive learning experience.
My Facebook friends have been drastically depleted since I didn’t have a whole lot to begin with.
I only started this post with him because it was the first day of the series of endings.
Saturday, my laptop finally died. I had a monitor for it because the built-in one bit the dust a while ago when Carly was using it. Surprise, surprise. It was working really well since April with the monitor but now it is no more. My Carly is heartbroken; not for me but because she has to share hers now, which was mine in the first place. I mourned the articles and letters, the pictures and the files I carefully made to suit my idiosyncrasies
Oh then I received a phone call from my second job, where I have been on hiatus which was supposed to last only the month of August. I was excited to hear from them because I was eager to get back to work and pay rent. Lo and behold and alas and of course; they aren’t sure when I will be called back to work. It could be as long as six months.
Great. Now what do I do? Never mind the income I so desperately need but working the two jobs would essentially speed up the healing process in getting over my, er, laptop’s demise.
I say that a lot.
I’ve talked about that land a lot on these pages. Mom told me it was for a woman in the family who would need it just in case she needed her “own” money, either by renting it out, living on it or selling it. There is not really much land there (2.44 acres) but it was always special to me. It took a year to sell. I had just gone there with Dennis a couple of weeks ago for a day trip and emailed the real estate agent with my new contact information this past Saturday. Today she emailed me back with an offer to purchase.
My Mum, she always knew when I’m needing something badly. Then and now. She’s been gone since 2007 and she’s still everywhere. My life keeps changing and never seems to settle down and she pops up on a regular basis. There won’t be a lot of money from this at all but it should be enough to get a lawyer so I can get my child support and my share of the house from that man. Thank you Mom.
My Mom had to know my life was not going to be easy because she went to a lawyer and picked my name to be the one to get this incredible gift of land. I know she was hoping I would be able to keep it, live on it, die on it and leave it for my own kids. So was I. This will never be possible now.
I wanted to live there but I had no idea how that would even work. The land has no well, no hydro, no septic field. There are no buildings on it at all, just wildflowers and the odd canola bloom here and there.
So a lucky couple found a great deal. They will never know the history of the land. Did you know my Gramma was a bookie? In the 1930’s she was a very young widow with three children and there was no work for a woman anywhere at that time. Except for Mr. Sleezri (now I’m totally making up that name but not the story). He had great ideas and his finger in many pies. My gramma was very pretty when there weren’t kids attached to her so he put her to work collecting bets. She ended up with her own bookie business not long after and continued it until her death at age 92.
I remember my gramma had 2 fridges in the kitchen. The regular sized one had no food in it. It just had slips of paper neatly set out in rows on the shelves. Sometimes there was money in it too. The other was a bar fridge worked into a lower cupboard in the kitchen and held the milk, eggs and such. Her suite was filled with things. Brush and comb sets to TVs, furniture. Lots of gifty items too. Yeah, so if you couldn’t pay a bet to my gramma, you were allowed to barter. I don’t think she broke any legs but she had a lot of stuff.
That’s how she got the land; from some poor gambling addict farmer who divided up his farm land and gave her a piece. He paid rent to her too, for decades until my gramma died and my Mum got it.
I come from a long line of survivors and strong women who were ahead of their time. They would do anything to care for their families. Loved ones meant just that – loved ones. I realize these circumstances are to make me stronger. Judging from the past experiences in my life, I sincerely believe I should be Super Woman by now.
So these important losses are really the start of new beginnings. Again I start over because, again, I can.
Except for the man part. Blech.