Tag Archives: Sleep

Finding My Groove Again.


I may have found my groove today.

The last month has been getting steadily worse for me in regards to moods and thoughts.  There have been some really good things too, of course but then, as the night approaches, so does the sadness, loneliness and racing thoughts of doom.

Here is a little catch up for you since I last posted. I’m way behind:

I MOVED!  My daughter and I finally got a call from low-income housing and we movingmoved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February.  It’s been all renovated with new everything.  The bathtub is even slippery and doesn’t scratch my bottom.  hee hee.  Unfortunately I did re-injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again.  I still can’t go for my walks or stand for too long.  I’m pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows.  Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind.  I just feel exhausted all the time.  I could sleep all day but make myself get up. It’s late in the day but I’m up before Carly is home from school.

I’ve seen my granddaughters more.  Such joy they give me.  I have one video of the 2-year-old in my lift chair saying “this is awesome” over and over while I worked the controls.  She says it in her very grownup 2-year-old voice.  I play it every day.  It really helps.

coffeeI met up with an old friend for coffee a few times after my last post.  It was nice to connect again.

My son turned 30.  I can’t believe I have a son who is 30.

My daughter’s 18th birthday is in 10 days.  My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo.  I can’t believe my baby is 18.

I finally had someone to talk to today.

I realized last night, while I was feeling my lowest, that I’ve been waiting for something.  I don’t know what it is but I figure it’s time to stop waiting.  Thinking back  I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing.  A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man’s part.  So it’s not done yet. But it feels like it’s getting closer.  It’s been 5 years since I left him.

I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and spewingtears. On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone (I finally figured it out) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost.  When I left my worker, I felt better.  On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing “Hey Jude” live.  I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back.  Na na na naaaa.

I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me (young, in his 20’s) asked me what I was listening to.  I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about (!) so I started it again for him to hear.  It’s a long song but he listened to it all.

He thanked me for allowing him into my groove.  His words.

It might be time to let in a few more.groove

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FYI


Hi Everyone! I won’t be able to post for a while as my laptop turned to a lump of metal my cat likes to lay on. It just takes too long for me to type with just one thumb on my phone. This will be a short one.

I’ve been totally isolating myself for reasons beyond my control. My sleep is terrible; it’s now after 6 in the morning and I’m still awake although I think my eyes might have some sandman sprinkles finally happening. Anyway. I want to get the hell out of here later in the day and hope to visit my fella who is recovering from surgery.

I’ll attempt to write again soon. Have patience with me.

Thanks

Yours truly….

Sleep Stories


Hey, how are you?  I’m doing fine this week.  I feel so much better.  My mind is pretty clear, I have plans for my life and my daughter’s report card was great.  Oh and my almost 20 month old granddaughter went pee in the potty for the first time pottytoday!  The only problem I’m having is sleeping.  Too much.  I could sleep all day and have done it a couple of times.

Oh the dreams I have at night (or early morning).  I think I don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to leave the dreams I’m in.  They’re so vivid now, so real.  Sometimes I’m not sure if something happened while sleeping or awake.  I’ve woken myself up yelling for my son to “come back here!!” like he was 2 years old.  The colours and patterns and stories make me want to sleep forever.

Most of them are really great dreams.  I told Dr. G about one that seemed almost precognitive.  I dreamt about my dream house and there were many new rooms in it.  Some of them had very narrow hallways that curved to the right before you enter the room.  Well, at my first appointment with the Intake Worker at the Canadian Mental Health Association, she led me to a door and immediately I had a strong sense of deja vu.  Sure enough, after entering, the wall curved to the right forming a narrow hallway and then we entered the open space of the office.

Weird.

I dream a lot of guilt dreams.  I hate those dreams.

I dreamt of apples last night.  Hundreds of them.  I filled my basket with them and I could smell them too.  I think it had to do with visiting with my son and daughter-in-law and smelling sample after sample of the products she’s selling for Scensie.  Apparently they use the same wax used on apples at the grocery stores.  No wonder.  None of my favourites scents I picked smelled like apples though.  Hmm.  Maybe I have scurvy?

dreamI asked Dr. G about my increase and intensity of my dreaming at our last appointment.  He told me that people who have bipolar have a very active mind so when we go to sleep the brain just keeps going.  When I told him about how much I was actually sleeping he brought up that nasty word…

NARCOLEPSY

NOOOOOO!!

Back in 2006 (?) I was diagnosed with the dreaded narcolepsy.  I had all the symptoms including falling asleep at inappropriate times, like during one on one conversations, going through stop signs with no memory of doing it until I “woke up”.  Forget driving on the highway.  I would get my 8 hours sleep no problem and more sometimes but the symptoms got worse and it was taking forever to get into the sleep clinic for an assessment.  narcolepsyMy GP had no choice but to diagnose me with that bad word until I could get to the clinic.  This meant suspending my driver’s license for a year!  A YEAR!

I called the clinic every week, looking for cancellations.  I was sooooo tired it was unbelievable.  I was on amphetamines that drove my body crazy with the shakes and the frustration of having eyes that wanted to close and dream but were wide open and dried out like 2 sand-filled apricots.  I couldn’t sleep at night.  I was awake all the time.  I was going on manic mode constantly.

I missed my dreams.

Finally they moved up my appointment.  Probably realizing my desperation and learning of my newly officially diagnosed bipolar disorder did the trick.  And it would make me stop phoning them.

Hi Sara!  It’s Marie again!
Hi Marie.  Oh I’m so sorry there’s nothing this week.  How are you doing my dear?

I was to go to the appointment after being awake for several hours and on no medication.  I got a ride there and looked forward to resolving this and 4 hours of sleep.  It was all so fascinating.  I love things to do with the brain and how it works.

I was hooked up to many, many electrodes and wires to monitors, wearing a paper gown.  While they were hooking me up, the techs had to keep prodding me to wake up.  I kept falling asleep while sitting there in spite of all the activity around me.

It was a great sleep.  I dreamed and dreamed.

When I was done the doctor asked to see me.  He had just one question for me.  He wondered if I started dreaming as soon as I go to sleep.  I assured him I did and I knew what I dreamt and everything.  He laughed and said I was in a dream state before the tech even left the room and my eyes had just closed.  He was astounded as that’s pretty rare.  He told me he would have the results for me in a week.

I saw him again and he played me a video of me sleeping where I snored obnoxiously or, as my friend Corrie says, unholy.  I was very embarrassed.  He said I did not have narcolepsy, that is to say I had the symptoms of it but they were being caused by sleep apnea.  I was to be fitted for an appliance for my mouth to keep my airway open while I slept.  That didn’t work out very well so I was switched to a CPAP machine which I had to wait for from Manitoba Health.

Oh soo attractive!  ha ha

Oh soo attractive! ha ha

In the meantime I still couldn’t drive and I was so tired I was finding it harder to work.   The call came that my CPAP was waiting for me after only 2 weeks.  It was the happiest day of my sleeping life.

Now I sleep with my CPAP every night.  Dr. G really doesn’t believe I have narcolepsy, thank goodness.  I think he was just throwing it out there to scare me.  I’m going to see a dietician to address some of this so hopefully things will be better in the sleep department.

Ciao for now!