Hi Everyone! I won’t be able to post for a while as my laptop turned to a lump of metal my cat likes to lay on. It just takes too long for me to type with just one thumb on my phone. This will be a short one.
I’ve been totally isolating myself for reasons beyond my control. My sleep is terrible; it’s now after 6 in the morning and I’m still awake although I think my eyes might have some sandman sprinkles finally happening. Anyway. I want to get the hell out of here later in the day and hope to visit my fella who is recovering from surgery.
I’ll attempt to write again soon. Have patience with me.
Posted in Friends, Health, life, me, Mental Health, Postaweek2014, Writing
Tagged Blog, insomnia, Setback, Sleep, Writing
Oh I have been a bad girl, missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing. Things are so busy with summer and all. I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends.
Summer is always special. I’ve written about it before and now you can read it again: The smells (on my skin, in the air, my granddaughters’ hair), the beach when I can get there (which smells totally different by the way), walking and walking even though my knees are older than dirt and so are my hips but I still walk when I can.
I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister’s family. I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend. It was “Gamma Gamma” and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites. Even the nephews got into The Wiggles! Our little gal had lots of fun. I miss her now.
I also met a guy about a month ago. Things are really good but I won’t jinx anything. We will just see how it goes. 🙂
It’s been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years. This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city. Buses are still the fun part of the day with screaming babies, drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever’s stop comes first.
I’ve been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy. It’s been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too. I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night.
I still smoke in my dreams every night too. Crazy.
One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister! Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member. Such a relief when I found out. I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her. I don’t think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay.
All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr. G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment. Fasting blood work. Meanie. He’s glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker.
Not that the new guy is my mental health worker.
Oh no, now that’s just confusing.
Dr. G is so pleased with my progress these last few months. I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life. These help me handle the negatives going on.
So I hope to get another post in during the next couple of days. See you in my dreams!
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, life, Love, me, Mental Health, Music, Postaweek2014, Writing
Tagged bi-polar disorder, cat, dating, Family, getting old, good momma, happiness, health, humor, life, love, mental health, Postaweek2014, teens
I have a sister who has been absent from the family for several years. No one has heard from her for a very long time.
My sister has schizophrenia.
Since my Dad died a month ago my family has been hoping she will show up or call. She hasn’t made any contact and my younger sister has gone to extraordinary lengths to locate her, short of hiring a private detective.
It amazes me how someone can disappear like that. No Manitoba Health card for over 5 years so no medical treatments in that time. She didn’t even have a card when we know she lived here for sure.
I feel so sad. Where could she be? I don’t want her to hide from us, to be afraid of us.
I remember going to see her at her old apartment about 3 years ago and knocking on her door and hearing her drag furniture and boxes away from her door. After being allowed to enter, seeing her Spartan ways overwhelmed me. She was scared, lonely and very, very ill. She couldn’t wait for me to leave and when I did, I heard all the boxes and furniture being barricaded on the other side of the door once again.
The last place she was known to live over 2 years ago the landlord said she snuck out of her apartment in the middle of the night, not taking much with her.
The fear. I can’t know the fear she must live with every day. All I know is the fear I have for her. She won’t have ID so if something should have happened to her we might never find out. No hospital stay information or death certificates would be available because no one will be able to know who she is.
This sister has become a ghost. I know she might not want to be found but now it’s not about estates and letting her know the news about our Dad. Now it’s about knowing she still lives, in whatever world she might find herself and hopefully still on the same earth as me.
Mental illness…another one allowed to slip through the cracks. I can’t blame anyone for that though. As her family we tried. Her illness was so frightening. I couldn’t even let my son drive her home at one time (for which he kindly volunteered) for fear of anything she might say he did or what she might do to him. Her actions and words struck terror in my gut many times. The medical community did their best short of locking her up for the rest of her life to make sure she took her meds. The one time she was on meds she was our sweet sister again but it didn’t last long. Now it must have been years since she’s even seen a doctor.
I remember her when I was a very little girl. I was very ill for the first few years of my life and still see her lovingly mothering me; taking me for walks in the carriage, scratching my back (which calmed me very much) and giving me treats. When kids bullied me in school later on she went out and had a T-shirt made for me that said “Marie Boomer – Superstar”. I wore that thing until the letters fell off. It made me feel like a superstar.
I’m trying really hard to remember the wonderful sister she could be. She left home when I was very young though and I rarely saw her until I was an adult again and her illness had progressed so much. It’s not easy to keep the good memories alive since there are so few of them but I will.
I just hope she knows we are still here for her.
Please come home Sue…
Posted in Family, Health, Mental Health, Postaweek2014
Tagged broken heart, Family, health, life, mental health, pain, past, Postaweek2014, sad, Schizophrenia
The search continues in my life for many things. One of them is for love. I keep thinking there has to be a guy out there for me somewhere. I know I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself or make my life complete or any of the other things my friends and family keep trying to pound into my head and I totally agree. Not having a man in my life is NOT causing me great anxiety. Just so my readers know that.
I like men. That’s it. I like the company of a (good) man. I like doing things with a (good) man. I don’t mind going alone to places and I do. I also go out with some women friends and that’s nice too. Male company would be great though. I’ve had enough of just me.
I joined a different dating site this past week and was inundated with messages the first day. Great! The problem was I couldn’t read any because the site wanted me to pay them to read the messages! What was the point of having a “free” site? I don’t know. I know I was on this site last year and it wasn’t like that then. So what I did was pick a couple of the guys and messaged them back telling them of my dilemma and to email me at an email address I made just for this purpose. Only one responded and we had a great back and forth email conversation for the last 2 days. He said he’s been on the site for a while and has never had to pay a dime.
It’s a ridiculous way to get to know someone but, for someone my age, there aren’t many options. Some of my family and my married, well-meaning friends and acquaintances suggest “meet someone at the grocery store” or “borrow a dog and go to the dog park” and my daughter says “Well. you don’t go anywhere!”. Well, the men I meet at grocery stores are in there to quickly get their pork and beans and bacon to go with their beer and as for borrowing a dog, that would mean picking up their poo. No thanks to the poo especially.
I had supper with a friend tonight who told me I was a beautiful person. I believe that. I know guys are looking for Barbie dolls and I have never been, nor will I ever be one. I forget sometimes that I’m a beautiful person. My outside is a bit worn and chubby, but I continue to grow inside and I can feel that every day. I’m stronger and more able to handle stress in my life than ever before. I would love to share that with someone who appreciates it and would be proud to be with me. Hopefully around a bonfire, or on the beach or on a couch watching movies.
So who knows what will happen. I’m not in any rush and know whatever or whoever will happen will happen. Or not. In the meantime, I’ll keep my eyes open in Aisle 4.
Posted in Family, Food, Friends, life, Love, Postaweek2014
Tagged bi-polar disorder, dating, friends, happiness, health, love, Postaweek2014