The search continues in my life for many things. One of them is for love. I keep thinking there has to be a guy out there for me somewhere. I know I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself or make my life complete or any of the other things my friends and family keep trying to pound into my head and I totally agree. Not having a man in my life is NOT causing me great anxiety. Just so my readers know that.
I like men. That’s it. I like the company of a (good) man. I like doing things with a (good) man. I don’t mind going alone to places and I do. I also go out with some women friends and that’s nice too. Male company would be great though. I’ve had enough of just me.
I joined a different dating site this past week and was inundated with messages the first day. Great! The problem was I couldn’t read any because the site wanted me to pay them to read the messages! What was the point of having a “free” site? I don’t know. I know I was on this site last year and it wasn’t like that then. So what I did was pick a couple of the guys and messaged them back telling them of my dilemma and to email me at an email address I made just for this purpose. Only one responded and we had a great back and forth email conversation for the last 2 days. He said he’s been on the site for a while and has never had to pay a dime.
It’s a ridiculous way to get to know someone but, for someone my age, there aren’t many options. Some of my family and my married, well-meaning friends and acquaintances suggest “meet someone at the grocery store” or “borrow a dog and go to the dog park” and my daughter says “Well. you don’t go anywhere!”. Well, the men I meet at grocery stores are in there to quickly get their pork and beans and bacon to go with their beer and as for borrowing a dog, that would mean picking up their poo. No thanks to the poo especially.
I had supper with a friend tonight who told me I was a beautiful person. I believe that. I know guys are looking for Barbie dolls and I have never been, nor will I ever be one. I forget sometimes that I’m a beautiful person. My outside is a bit worn and chubby, but I continue to grow inside and I can feel that every day. I’m stronger and more able to handle stress in my life than ever before. I would love to share that with someone who appreciates it and would be proud to be with me. Hopefully around a bonfire, or on the beach or on a couch watching movies.
So who knows what will happen. I’m not in any rush and know whatever or whoever will happen will happen. Or not. In the meantime, I’ll keep my eyes open in Aisle 4.
Posted in Family, Food, Friends, life, Love, Postaweek2014
Tagged bi-polar disorder, dating, friends, happiness, health, love, Postaweek2014
This week I finally had the chance to do a decent grocery shop. And I went with my girl, Carly. We haven’t been shopping together in close to a year.
It seemed that I could never get the shopping quite right; Carly wanted “healthy” things. Well, so do I but our versions of “healthy” are two different ideas. I had to teach her about balance and budget. Since she was complaining so much I made her come with me.
So there we were with a borrowed van at the store and a good wad of cash. I needed prescriptions and headed to the pharmacy while sending her to the fruit and vegetable section. While my prescriptions were getting filled we met up again and started cruising up and down the aisles. I don’t usually cruise but I had a list too.
We agreed on some things that didn’t have much to do with food. The most challenging was a new razor. Ours was gross already so we agreed to buy a new one. I was checking out the ladies and Carly insisted we get a men’s razor style. I wasn’t too sure about that until she found a weird shaped one. She was reading the package and exclaimed “It has a battery!?” That perked my interest and it was only $7 on sale, half price. Carly said she didn’t think we should get it as we probably were too technically challenged to use it. It had an attached trimmer for heaven’s sake. That must explain the battery, right?
I ignored her and got the last 2. She has no faith.
Then it was groceries…she read every label on every box or container of food and exclaiming in a horrified voice every time; “OMG the sodium! …the saturated fat!…the CARBS!” and would quickly put the item back on the shelf. I would pick it back up again and show her what we had to do to make a balanced meal. She had to realize it was OKAY to have fat, sodium and carbs to a certain degree especially since my cart was full of fruit and veggies too. We picked up whole grains as alternatives to what we would normally buy. We also bought a little more organic fresh food as well. It was all starting to come together.
I must say, shopping with her took twice as long (at least) and three times the cost. I’m just lucky we had the money for this trip. I asked her if she saw how much it cost us and she said she did and was shocked at how much we have to pay to eat healthy. I warned her that, on our normally very limited budget, this shopping trip would rarely be like this.
I’ll let you in on a little secret though…I did manage to sneak in my Cheez Whiz. 🙂
Boy, I had my exercise this week too. I’ve been looking after my oldest granddaughter while my youngest granddaughter gets her eating habits in order. I swear I’ve never been so tired. It’s a really good tired though. I go to bed before 11:00 (!!!) and get up for 8:00 am. Amazing. And she has me running. Running after her, ahead of her, beside her and with her. In between we watch inane children shows that make me get ridiculous songs stuck in my head which have replaced the songs we played for my Dad while he was on his death-bed. I don’t know which is worse.
We also nap. Grandma needs her nap.
So a good week all around. Thank you to all who gave me their support the last couple of weeks. I really appreciate it as it had to one of the worse times in my life. I don’t feel as alone as I did. I feel better being busy and productive.
Until next time….
Posted in Death, Entertainment, Family, Food, Friends, Health, life, me, Mental Health, Postaweek2014, Uncategorized
Tagged Family, food, friends, good momma, health, life, mental health, money, past, Postaweek2014, shopping, teens
Well another week has gone by and my Dad’s memorial service is now behind me. So was seeing some creepy family members I could have done without but I got to see some very beloved ones as well. Especially cousins I hardly know but love. The plan is to get to know them better. It was rather a unique time…a room packed with Boomers is not something you see everyday. I just ignored the creepy ones as best as I could.
It was a glorious day filled with stories, the wind off the lake and my Dad’s ashes scattered at his final resting place. It was banana cream pie, conversation and hugs. It was sadness, relief, connections and my grandbabies. It was seeing my Dad everywhere and hardly having to look. My Mom too.
It was having to hold in all these emotions until leaving for home and reaching a short way from the cottage and then sobbing, uncontrollably, on my daughter’s supporting shoulder. We held each other in our borrowed vehicle and cried for the loss of a great man. Our ride the rest of the way was filled with silence but we could hear the songs and his voice in our heads.
That man was my Dad and I’ll miss him and my Mom so much.
Today was the 70th anniversary of D-Day and I found out more about my Dad today than I ever knew before. My eldest sister sent out an email:
He said that he was suddenly put onto the minesweeper HMCS Minus & it was very much a secret as to where they were heading.
That Canadian ship was part of the huge armada of Allied ships that assaulted the Normandy beaches in order to invade Europe.
Dad was 2nd in command of the landing craft that took troops from the Minus to Juno Beach. He said that it was heartbreaking. The seas were
very rough & a lot of the other landing craft were letting the troops off too soon. He saw lots of men drowning & struggling in the water. He said
that they made sure that they went right to the beach to let off their troops.
On one of their trips into shore the captain of their landing craft (who was standing right beside him) was shot in the head by a German sniper. His head & brains exploded all over Dad.
Dad was now in command of the landing craft that was also now damaged by German gunfire. He could not turn the landing craft around to head back to his
ship so he had to take it in backwards. When he reached the ship the captain on the deck yelled at him for coming in backwards whereupon our father told the captain to “ fuck off”.
Dad said that one of his enduring memories of June 6, 1944 was simply the huge booming noise from the guns on all of the Allied ships that were there that day.
I know he experienced much more pain than even on that day. I’m proud of him and can’t even comprehend the horrors he faced, even during the years following the war. The nightmares never left him and he tried so hard to not let them into his daytimes. He did a fantastic job.
I also said goodbye to a guy I was dating for 7 months who decided he wasn’t “that into me” and broke up with me, by text, the night before my Dad’s memorial. I sure can pick ’em! I don’t feel a great sense of loss though. He was obviously emotionally challenged and I’m pretty sure I was the “interim woman”. My life certainly moves on.
Well, another week is ahead of me with plans to be with my family and some friends who have been so great helping me get though the last few weeks.
I’m looking forward to looking ahead.
Posted in Death, Family, Food, Friends, life, Mental Health, Music, Postaweek2014
Tagged angels, dating, dreaming, Family, food, friends, life, love, past, Postaweek2014, teens, War
I’ve been thinking about positive thoughts and where they come from. I really have to force myself, everyday, to think of myself in positive ways. I thought I would try to come up with a list of my favourite things, not necessarily about me but maybe it will tell the world and me what I like and love. So, in no particular order…
- Blue. I love the colour blue for so many reasons. I sometimes gasp at a new shade that makes me wish for the tropics or paint a picture. Neither of which I’ll be getting to do soon. The best blues are cobalt and music.
- My daughter’s smile. It lights up the whole room. It’s a rare thing to be seen since she became a teen. Her brother and I spied on her while she was working the drive thru at her work and oh, she smiled at everyone! We both were astounded by the transformation. I love her more every day than I did the day before.
- When she laughs it’s like bells
- My son’s energy. Oh man he makes me tired! Always smiling is that guy. Very social which is the opposite of me. He’s always talking and getting a deal going and has high ambitions. I am immensely proud of him. He is definitely one of my favourite things. I love him dearly.
- My Mom’s paintings she left behind. I just love them because she never really knew her talent until she was in her 40’s, 50’s and she still painted until she died. She had a passion.
- I love when people aren’t afraid to tell me what they think. Sometimes I’m afraid of it, thinking it might be bad but it rarely comes out that way.
- I love colour and beauty and movement. I love the ballet.
- I love the symphony. The music sends me somewhere else. I fell in love with the symphony at the same time I fell in love with the ballet.
- I love the kindness of others. So many people have shown me how good they can be. I’m truly lucky to know them and I’m a better person because of them.
- I love cats. So cute, especially my Lucky who is, thank goodness, still with us.
- I like dogs too but not as much as cats. 🙂
- I love chocolate.
- I love lilacs and the wonderful aroma they leave in the air during Springtime. I don’t think we’ll be having Spring this year.
- Spring and Summer
- My favourite flower would forget-me-nots. I think. If I was to make a bouquet it would be made up of many different kinds. Orchids are always an option.
- I love long car rides.
- I love going out for supper.
- I love new clothes.
- And Shoes
- Reading and reading
- I love watching movies where I get totally lost. I really don’t have a favourite movie, there are too many. It always depends on the mood of the movie; for action movies I love the Terminator series; for love stories my favourite has to be The Notebook. Whatever it is it has to be good.
- I like that I haven’t cried in weeks and weeks.
- I like Dr. G. He saved my life along with Dr. H who died way too soon. He found me Dr. G before he had to go though.
- I love my father’s face when he wakes up and sees me and the joy that’s there, even though he doesn’t know its me. He knows its someone he loves and who loves him.
- I love my grandchild. She’s adorable. I love when she holds out her arms for me even if her mom is holding her. I love when she makes me feel special like at Easter when I was giving her strawberries and she said, in her 19 month voice, Mo Gamma.
- I love my younger sister and her family. And all their dogs. And all their cats. Those kids have been brought up right and I stole a lot of things to use to bring up mine.
- Student Led Parent Teacher Conferences. I was just at my daughter’s yesterday and finally got to see her amazing photographs. She has a passion. All her teachers said the same thing. She does excellent work and it’s a pleasure having her in class. They are all sure she will go on to do great things. She didn’t want to go because she couldn’t see the point as her report card was excellent but I made her. I felt it was important for her to hear the praises and make plans and goals. She was very proud of herself and could see me bursting with it as well.
- I like when I make good decisions.
- I love to laugh and laugh until I cry or a little bit of pee comes out. Well maybe not that but you know what I mean.
- I love how I’ve been able to get along for more than 3 years without a car. Maybe it’s 4. I don’t know but it doesn’t matter much anymore. The only time I’ll miss it is during the summer because I won’t be able to get to the beach when I want to go.
- THE BEACH! OMG I love the beach so much. I love how it smells and the sounds and love looking at the water. In my teens, I used to have a secret place in the cliffs where I could be alone, write in my journal and watch the water while burying my feet in hot, smooth, white sand. I can still feel the sun on my face and arms. The spot is gone now as everything has eroded away. My memories of it though always fill me with comfort. No one could find me.
- Driving. I know I said I didn’t miss having a car but I really like driving. I used to drive a lot in the summers, especially, to get to my ex’s cabin, sometimes just for the day and it would be a 4 hour drive then. 2 hours each way. Oh you know what I mean.
- I love the show Friends and the Joeyisms.
- Days of Our Lives and Dr. Phil and Ellen are my friends during the day.
- Wine. Yeah.
- Writing of course. That’s my passion.
- No more fear
I think that should do it. Its been very interesting making this list. Thanks for being interested enough to read it. I’m sure there are lots more and I’m sorry if I left out anyone. I’ll leave you with a video someone sent me today on Facebook that has become one of my favourites.
PS: The pictures on this page belong to me and I do not give permission for anyone to copy them without my consent. Thank you.
Posted in Entertainment, Family, Food, Friends, Health, life, me, Mental Health, Music, Postaweek2014, Writing
Tagged bi-polar disorder, blogs, cat, Family, food, fun, health, humor, life, love, past, shoes, teens, writng
Well, this was a good week. I’ve discovered a few more things about myself, some of which I have to face and get a handle on. Most though, were good or, at least, good enough.
I finally started walking outside as the weather has been cooperating and the ground has dried up nicely. I think this is the main reason for my good moods. Exercise is so important for one with bi polar as it helps to even out everything. I found myself becoming bored at home for, really, the first time in over a year. Thinking about my future brings a dose of reality. Dr. G and I are talking more and more about finding work. I keep imagining myself in a tiny bachelor apartment after Carly turns 18 (1 more year!).
She and I have been talking about her post secondary schooling. She is eligible for so many scholarships and bursaries as well as student loans. Hopefully she’ll be able to stay living with me when she goes to school but she’s not so sure what she wants to do yet. Take a year off, move out with a friend or stay home and go to school. So many decisions she has to make and it’s so great to have so many choices.
Now for a change of subject…I’ve always known I have an addictive personality. I don’t mean people get addicted to me although, hmm. Nah, that’s not what I mean. It’s like when I used to smoke like a chimney until I quit in 1987. I quit while I was pregnant with my boy too but started again right away. Wow, I smoked a lot, more than 2 packs a day sometimes. I loved everything about it and, as I said in other posts, I still dream I smoke almost every night. Booze was a problem too at different times in my life. I pretty much stay away from it now. I smoked weed in the latter part of high school and as a young adult until I was pregnant with my son in 1985 then never touched it again. It was hard to quit so if people try to tell you there are no withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, they’re lying to you.
My ongoing battle has been with food since I turned about 20. Food is always there. One needs food to survive. It’s starting to get bad again mostly because I live next to a 7-11 and they have everything that’s not so good for me. I’m making super-bad decisions when it comes to food. Chocolate is my weakness and diet Pepsi. Chips for supper sometimes. They’re cheap and filling. The nights with chips are the nights my daughter eats at work so I don’t feel so guilty. I never figured I was an emotional eater because when things are bad I just can’t eat. It’s when things are going well I eat more and badly. I guess that would qualify as emotional too. I need strength to get through this. I don’t want to gain weight after losing so much. Dr. G is thinking it might be the new medication I’m taking at night to help me fall asleep. Although I’m on a really low dose one of the side affects is weight gain. I’ll be watching.
My mom’s cooking was pretty basic and good most of the time but sometimes kind of dangerous as she wasn’t too careful with health standards; leaving pots of soup or stews on the stove for days and serving them to us; meat left on the counter for way too long and some stuff just tasted bad you know? We all got the “Grand Beach Flu” at the same time and it was usually after her “Grand Beach Stew”. I love her dearly but not the bugs that were in the flour that went into the gravy or the stuffing or the cakes or whatever. I survived though and I’m sure it was why I was so skinny until I moved out.
I did so well with money this week. It helped that the government sent out our quarterly GST refund so there was more money to work with. I actually had food in the pantry and the fridge and still had money in my wallet by the time Child Tax Credit came in. What a great feeling buying a bus pass and veggies and fruit for my girl who looks in the fridge and says, “Wow”.
My plan is to walk every day for at least 1/2 hour and increase it. I need to invest in a good pair of runners as Carly and I are sharing mine right now (!). I know.
She needs them for work and I need them for volunteering so one of us is using them all the time. Hopefully at the end of the month I can get another pair for her. My shoes are actually too big for her. She’s a size smaller than me.
Shoes I should be getting…
So the plan is to walk, eat better and get new shoes. Those are pretty good goals for a week…
Shoes I want…
Posted in Family, Food, Health, life, me, Mental Health, Postaweek2014
Tagged bi-polar disorder, food, health, life, mental health, money, poor, Postaweek2014, rich, shoes, teens, wishes
I don’t have too much to write about this week. I’ve been sick with an awful cold and cough, which I tried, unsuccessfully, to hide from my date on Saturday. I’ve missed 2 weeks of volunteering and have been staying in a lot.
Hmm, wait, I did host a dinner party for my son’s 29th birthday on March 2, all while I was just getting this stupid cold. A turkey, a ham and 10 of my favourite people squashed in my tiny apartment.
The highlight at the beginning (it was like I planned it!) was the fuzz (cops to you young ‘uns) who arrived at the front door of the apartment block just as I was going to let my sister into the building. Now, you know they weren’t looking for me. A neighbour called them for their own problems in their own suite. As they tried to figure out exactly which suite they were looking for, my sister came barreling down the hall, very excited and half blind from her fogged up glasses and shouting, “Hey Marie! I have your pot!” Of course she was talking about cookware. Of course she was! I was gesturing to said pot to the nice policemen who were now looking at me with a little more interest than they were before.
Cop 1: I think she’s really a drug dealer and only looks like a Sunday School teacher…
Cop 2: I say we frisk her…
By the time my son arrived, he saw a man getting the cuffs slapped on him in the hallway (well, the arrest was pretty quiet, no ruckus, no fuss) and he was just a little bit rattled by the sight as he came in with his Mohawk and punk rock outfit he bedazzled himself. Okay, it’s not cool to say bedazzled; he studded and patched the jacket to perfection.
Now that all the players were there, it was time to get the supper on the table. I was carving the turkey until my sister took over so I could make gravy. It seemed every time I started something she was there to take over and move me on to anther task. I cut up the ham and realized just how much I miss my electric knife. My sister mashed the potatoes with butter and milk (I was out of cream cheese and really wished I had my mixer too); corn was cooked just right and Carly made a perfect Caesar Salad as she always does. It seemed like a real flurry of activity in my teeny tiny kitchen but organized, very hot and smelling awesome.
The turkey was done just divine although the stuffing was too moist. Too bad the ham didn’t have the flavour I wanted. I was going for a sweeter taste than it had. I did use a cup and a half of brown sugar and only 1/2 cup of pineapple juice. Forget the juice next time I think. The gravy was amazing. Everyone appreciated having turkey at this time of year. We all think it’s too long to wait for it again in the fall.
It must have been good enough because everyone ate and ate then ate the ice cream cake that followed. It all worked out so great! I can’t believe I pulled it off. Both my kids were impressed.
Anyway, the weather is finally warmer and the streets are either messy or icy so going outside means I always expect the unexpected. Hopefully this virus or whatever it is will be a thing of the past and I can get back to a routine outside of the apartment.
Oh and now it’s time to plan Carly’s birthday. Both kids born in March. What was it about those July long weekends?