This week my second grandchild was born. My Dad died on Friday and Lexi was born on Monday , 11 days overdue. Lexi was supposed to be a boy, according to three 3D ultrasounds but came out a beautiful, healthy girl. She was a huge surprise. Hopefully we can find all the receipts for the boy stuff everyone bought.
I was sure having Lexi in my life, now with a huge empty space from losing my Dad, would fill in that big gap in my heart. She does in a way but I’ve had a cold or allergies since she was born so only saw her once. My Londynn was here, though, and kept me going for one afternoon. She makes me tired. 🙂
I no longer have my daily visits with my Dad. Those sure got me out of the apartment. I miss him so much. Tonight there was a sharing circle at my sisters. It was wonderful to hear stories about my Dad coming from people I barely knew and from family I love dearly. I shared some of my own stories while taking in the scent of the bonfire, the sage burning in the bowl beside it and listening to the birds singing and calling out to each other. After I was finished I threw cedar into the fire and watched it get eaten up by the flames. Everyone else did the same. I watched the smoke drift up to the sky. The sky looked like it wanted to rain but it held off. I was glad I went.
Never have I felt so alone as I have this week. It’s been a confusing time and I thought I would have been prepared for this but I wasn’t. I’m not. His birthday was on Tuesday and that day was just a write off for me. I spent that whole day in bed. I just couldn’t get up. The same thing happened the day after he died.
I’ve gone downhill in my mental health; feeling more isolated, sleeping so much more and feeling quite alone in my already little world. Everyone in my family are grieving too and my sister is so busy with arrangements and such. There are a few people who have written to ask how I’m holding up (badly) or one really nice man I know tried TWICE to get me out but I couldn’t bear to leave the apartment. He even promised me ice cream! I received a lot of support on Facebook from my friends. I thank them all very much for taking the time to acknowledge my loss.
I hope to be in a better frame of mind next week. My routine goes back to normal with volunteering and seeing Dr. G again.
Now I better check myself for wood ticks.