I Don’t Want To Watch The Sunrise Anymore


Sleep is not my friend.  It hasn’t been for quite some time.  I CAN sleep but I have to get there first.

Imagine there’s a travelling circus going on in your head.  For me I hear music, I see faces I know and don’t.  I relive conversations from today, a week ago and from years past. I’ll change those conversations to “I shoulda said” and “I shoulda done”.  I think of TV shows, questions for the universe (why do I have to pay GST and PST for feminine hygiene products?  Is there another word for synonym?) A door has been blown open in my brain letting all of this garbage out to beat the crap out of my consciousness. Oh, and hot flashes.  Let’s not forget about hot flashes.  Talk about speeding…no sleep

Then there’s my subconscious, with its crazy dreams starring monsters, dream houses (good and bad), old lovers (bad and good), parents, guilt, strangers, and new friends.  The dreams are so vivid.  Take this morning for instance (I can’t say last night because it was way past what would be considered last night) I dreamt I was, all at the same time: on a date; at work at my former office and doing a lousy job; sleeping in the dream at some point, then waking up (in the dream) and found 3 of my teeth were missing and in my hand.  I was late for a meeting and everyone was really mad and kept asking where I was but I couldn’t remember. In the dream I was so embarrassed, so distressed and panicked when I realized I forgot a whole passage of time.  AND my teeth fell out!  They all were rolling their eyes (“There she goes AGAIN!”). I also kept avoiding the date-guy because I lost my teeth.

Oy.

So once I’m asleep it’s not a peaceful time.  It’s very busy.  But I do sleep and for a long time.  Too long.

Dr. G. had said to take an extra tablet of the medication I use at night that’s supposed to slow down my thinking and help get me on my way to la la land.  It worked for the first night but the second night I watched the sun come up again.  I read the rest of my book and started another.  The night after that I fell asleepno sleep2 early, mostly due to the hangover the increase in my medication causes. I struggled to stay awake and went to sleep by 11:00 PM.  I swear my eyes just popped open at 1:30 AM.  There was no sleep for me after that.  My daughter came into my room shocked to see me awake and reading.  She went off to school and I tried to sleep again and managed to get about 4 more hours in.

Otherwise, mentally I feel so much better than I have in months, maybe even years. My depression is controlled and my feelings of anxiety have lessened so much.  I’m starting to go on interviews for volunteer positions.

I’m seeing Dr. G on Wednesday so hopefully we can straighten this out.  I know it’s a form of mania so finding a solution is number one on our list of discussions.

I anticipate things going well very soon.  Hey baby, I’m still here.  🙂

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