Wow, It’s been a while again. I guess I’ve been all discombobulated. Life has sure had its ups and downs in the last few months. Let’s see…
- I’ve moved and survived.
- I’ve discovered music on my TV and that is giving me a lot of joy. I never did figure out how to get music on my iPhone.
- I lost 30 pounds without even trying!! That would be because of no more Lithium.
- My cat is now home with us in the new place and that puts me over the moon…even though she had has some adjustment issues. I look out where I’m stepping now. Nothing like warm (or cold) cat puke on the bottom of my foot when I’m trying not to wake up too much when I have to go pee in the middle of the night. Or the yowling. She especially likes to yowl in the bathroom. At 3 am. The echo I guess?
I had such a bad time before the move. I honestly didn’t know if I could make it. My daughter was at her wit’s end. Neither of my kids really understand what’s going one with my illness. So they get impatient. They figure I’m lazy and probably even stupid. I’ve done what I can to get them to get it. I will keep trying I guess.
In past posts I’ve written about my mom and how her presence seems to be everywhere. Well, the months and weeks leading up to this move I know she was trying to help. I would babble to her while I was awake and in my dreams. I was a basket case as only I can be. I was driving everyone nuts with my fears and tears and rants and being generally incapable of coping. Coping skills? What the fuck are those? I had no money (again), no food (again), bills piling up (uh huh again), welfare not paying me what they were supposed to. I couldn’t afford bus tickets or fare so I was even more isolated than ever before.
So anyway, my daughter and I were going through yet another box of stuff that she was urging me to purge and to which I would resist. “It was Gramma’s,” I would cry. She was relentless on lots of stuff but that always got to her so I used it a lot. When we came to some pictures of she and her Gramma we would both cry. Then, in an old purse she was MAKING me get rid of, there they were. The crystals.
Of course there is a reason why I bring this up. After my mom died, like pretty much right after and when I went back to work, a volunteer came to my office telling me she was moving in the next few days to London, England to marry her long time lover. Same-sex marriage wasn’t legal in Canada yet. I was glad for her of course. We had gotten rather close the last few months before my mom died. She always knew things. She was very spiritual as well as a Wiccan. She taught me a lot and gave me peace of mind.
That day she came in, she saw the sadness in my eyes that no professionalism could hide. (Who was I kidding anyway? Professional? Me?) She told me about leaving and I told her I knew it was coming and I was so happy for her. We hugged for a long time in my office. We didn’t cry though. She said she wanted to pull some of the sadness from me and give me some of her joy. As she moved away she reached into her bag and pulled out a little baggie with stones in it. Gorgeous stones: amethyst for my mom, rose quartz for her and the blue quartz for me. Spiritually aligned. A beautiful gift.
Then I cried.
I hadn’t been able to find these particular crystals for a long time until I found them in the old purse. My heart flipped in my chest when my eyes found them and my fingers touched the little bag. I whispered “Mom” and Carly looked at me like I was, once again nuts. She just rolled her eyes until I explained it to her.
I think her head must hurt from doing that all the time.
It was like everything changed when I got up the next morning. The hopelessness had lessened so much I could call my worker at welfare and demand the bus tickets I needed to get to doctor’s appointments. I could purge the things that weighed me down in that apartment. Our new apartment is rather cozy so of course I had to give up things. I didn’t mind so much anymore. My daughter even said “Mom, look at you” as I zinged crap into garbage bags and hauled them to the garbage bin. I purged even more when we were unpacking. I arranged movers and COMMUNICATED with professionals.
Suddenly things were just working out. We looked at a great apartment for a great price and the manager liked us so much he wanted to move us to the top of the list. It turned out he couldn’t do that and had to take the first tenants that applied. He did have another place, though, that we could have first crack at. He went to bat for us to make sure we got it. He made sure everything was ready for when we moved in. He was wonderful. Welfare was paying for movers so that was great. Like I said there wasn’t much to complain about at all.
Oh and I will be a Gramma again! (No NOT Carly)
Of course I am not miraculously better. I am better though. I’m still more isolated than before we moved but, for some reason, welfare sent me $150. So I bought a bus pass for the next week. I can get to the dentist to have my broken tooth looked at, see my psychiatrist (missed the last appointment because I hadn’t called for bus tickets, doh!). And get some food! After that I don’t mind not going out in the bloody cold.
Part time work may be in my near future as my wonderful sister figured out a great job that might just work for me and it sounds like one I would love to do.
Things are more peaceful in my head. There’s more purpose to my days whether I’m selling my jewelry on Facebook (Carly needed tampons) or actually doing the dishes instead of letting them pile up.
My crystals are in my purse again.
I am getting things done.