No Lallygagging


Have you ever cried in a public place?  I mean gut-wrenching sobbing and wailing at, like say, a bus stop during rush hour downtown?  How about actually on the bus?

Yeah, that was me.  Well, I didn’t wail but I did the other stuff.

I am the woman who scores of people tried very hard not to look at today.  Not many people are so open with their pain and it’s pretty uncomfortable to witness.  What would you think if you saw a middle-aged woman carrying 3 grocery bags filled with all kinds of paraphernalia; a picture of a sweet baby lifting her head for the first time, a picture frame filled with images of 2 happy offspring, 4 pairs of shoes, various snacks and other odds and ends?

Yep.??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Dat lady got herself fired.

Again.

It was a relief really.  More and more the muddiness of my mind was taking over the better parts I knew were hiding there somewhere.  I dreaded each day that was to be a work day.  I literally felt I was shrinking into myself.

I had calmed down by the time I got home and told my daughter that, once again, her mother was fired from another job.  The fear on her face looked to be about equal to the trust I saw there, thank goodness.  We have been through this before.  After that I went comfortably numb.  My sister came over and the 3 of us talked about it all.  It was educational for everyone. An evening of goal-setting does a heart good.

I resent this life I’m forced to lead.  I feel like I’m doing all the work and the rest of the world isn’t doing it’s part.  I do have good, solid, positive people in my life.  I hate to be a burden on them and try to make up for it as well as I can. I take my meds, I do research, I go to the doctor, I look for signs constantly that something isn’t right.

A lot of things aren’t right.not easy to love

My skills are so lopsided.  Give me a crowd or one-on-one and I can do magic.  Make me use a different part of my brain that has to include memory, focus and consistency then I crash.  I’m smart, funny, empathetic and sincere.  I’ve lost 4 jobs in the last 3 years, all of which were due to my disorder and its symptoms.

What will this mean?  Where should I go now?  I’m ignoring the tightness in my chest and my lack of appetite.  I refuse to sleep when I want to because that would be all the time.  I’m awake until 4 am no matter what I do.

How can I make this any clearer?  Is somebody listening?  Something has to change.  Something will have to get better.

It always does.

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8 responses to “No Lallygagging

  1. Aww, I’m so sorry to hear about your job, Marie. I don’t know what it’s like to have that disorder, but I sure hope things get better, you deserve a happy life, I’m rooting for you. ((hugs))

  2. Dearest sister. I applaud you for going out there, by bus, every day, there and back. I am in awe of your dedication for holding 4 jobs in 3 years, and I bow at your feet for allowing your emotions to come out no matter where you are.

    You, my friend are a warrior! A strong, dedicated woman, with an illness. Many workplaces do not have means to help those with mental health issues. I have been home now for over a year, I am in no position to work.. I know how it feels when your head is so jumbled, that you do not know how to think or what to think, but you did it!!

    Eff them for firing you! They should really “Pipe the fuck down” it is not easy to work when we are experiencing episodes… 😦

    So imagine, you going out with full dedication, even if you hated it! YOU DID IT!

    I love you Marie. Even though I never met you. All the love and support you need virtually, is right here in my heart.

    Holding your hand.. always.

    Love
    Kim xoxoxo

    • Kim

      It took me a while to know how to respond to your words. I still don’t. All I can tell you is how your words mean the world to me. I appreciate your understanding and really, really love your empathy. I know you get it. I love you too. One day we will have to meet but then the world might just explode!

  3. Sending warm hugs – that’s all I can do – but warm thoughts and wishes for a job that fits you better. There must be one out there.

  4. More warm hugs coming your way. You will get through this!

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