Have you ever cried in a public place? I mean gut-wrenching sobbing and wailing at, like say, a bus stop during rush hour downtown? How about actually on the bus?
Yeah, that was me. Well, I didn’t wail but I did the other stuff.
I am the woman who scores of people tried very hard not to look at today. Not many people are so open with their pain and it’s pretty uncomfortable to witness. What would you think if you saw a middle-aged woman carrying 3 grocery bags filled with all kinds of paraphernalia; a picture of a sweet baby lifting her head for the first time, a picture frame filled with images of 2 happy offspring, 4 pairs of shoes, various snacks and other odds and ends?
Dat lady got herself fired.
It was a relief really. More and more the muddiness of my mind was taking over the better parts I knew were hiding there somewhere. I dreaded each day that was to be a work day. I literally felt I was shrinking into myself.
I had calmed down by the time I got home and told my daughter that, once again, her mother was fired from another job. The fear on her face looked to be about equal to the trust I saw there, thank goodness. We have been through this before. After that I went comfortably numb. My sister came over and the 3 of us talked about it all. It was educational for everyone. An evening of goal-setting does a heart good.
I resent this life I’m forced to lead. I feel like I’m doing all the work and the rest of the world isn’t doing it’s part. I do have good, solid, positive people in my life. I hate to be a burden on them and try to make up for it as well as I can. I take my meds, I do research, I go to the doctor, I look for signs constantly that something isn’t right.
My skills are so lopsided. Give me a crowd or one-on-one and I can do magic. Make me use a different part of my brain that has to include memory, focus and consistency then I crash. I’m smart, funny, empathetic and sincere. I’ve lost 4 jobs in the last 3 years, all of which were due to my disorder and its symptoms.
What will this mean? Where should I go now? I’m ignoring the tightness in my chest and my lack of appetite. I refuse to sleep when I want to because that would be all the time. I’m awake until 4 am no matter what I do.
How can I make this any clearer? Is somebody listening? Something has to change. Something will have to get better.
It always does.