Peace…


I know what I’ve written may read rather all over the place.  I’ve edited as much as I’m able to.  I’m satisfied though, that my message is clear.  I ask not to be judged and appreciate your support.

When will this ridiculous disorder decide what it’s going to do already?  I’ve had enough of new or exaggerated symptoms.  I want a way out of this prison that is holding my brain hostage and my life in limbo.

I’ve experienced the deep, dark blue of depression where it was all I could do to hold on to my life.  I’ve even lived through the highs: racing thoughts, reckless abandon with money, big ideas.    What I was not prepared for was the all encompassing consumption of this disease, even while on meds.

Consumed.

I’ve been consumed with various things for weeks, none being productive nor good for me.  I mentioned my racing mind.  That’s a huge symptom and the springboard for the others.

The worst times are the nights.

I stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning.  Every day.  Not easy getting up at 7:30.  Not good either, considering I’ve been going to a wonderful program and working at my contract part-time job.  The job was only for 2 weeks and I did lousy at it.  I’ll be lucky if they call me again.  Both the program and the job ended this past weekend.

What do I do during the night?  Why, I’m right here.  For weeks not writing in my blog  as some of you may have noticed.  Not researching jobs I should be applying for.

No.

I’m on dating sites.  Talking to strangers who really aren’t pretending to want to know me except in the carnal sense of the word.  I could think of nothing else but to see whether anyone had messaged me.  I even checked my phone while at work, taking more breaks than allowed.  Even as I write this I’m peeking at the other page to see who’s on.

Men messaged me, saying all the nice things I wanted to hear.  Good thing there was SOME judgement left in me where I made sure to talk to them for quite a while before meeting them.  I even had a safe plan if I was to meet anyone.   One guy went ballistic when I gave my view on porn after he asked.  A real bully and potential emotional terrorist.  Didn’t meet that one, but it was close.

Another man seemed to be perfect.  He was very spiritual and funny.  So amazing looking in his pictures; what could he possibly want with me?  He didn’t talk about sex at all until about a week of talking online and then it was for one evening and, charmingly,  he was filled with regret the next day.  I made the mistake of letting him read my blog.  So here is this stranger reading about the most vulnerable times in my life.  I was so anxious I did the wrong thing.  He assured me otherwise.  He felt closer to me than ever.

Then, a few days later, he stopped answering my messages and emails.  I only sent 3 as I did not want to look more pathetic.  I was devastated.  We were just about to meet in person. He played me like some kind of stringed instrument with a background of primal african drums. When I got to my Sara Riel program the next day I couldn’t focus and I cried throughout the class.  The other participants and the facilitator were so wonderful.  I stayed until the end of the day and wallowed for a couple more but went on with my life, as it was. One morning, I woke up and it was done.  But now the other symptoms were becoming more apparent.  In hindsight that is.

I only met one fellow in person and ended up hurting and confusing him with my scattered thinking and poor judgement.  I felt nothing for the guy except that he was funny, made me laugh and feel good.  As a matter of fact I felt shocked that this was the first time in my history with men that I didn’t imagine I was in love with someone I was with or even turned on with HIM.  I was clingy and paranoid.  I accused him of things that were ridiculous.

Sex had consumed me and my every thought and movement. There seemed to be no way to stop.  It was destroying my life.

This had never, ever happened to me before. “Hypersexuality” it’s called. Thank god it’s ending now. Unfortunately, that usually means a crash. I hope I’m ready for it.

I was also drinking.  Every day.  Weeks of it.  Never giving a thought as to how this fucks up my meds.  It wasn’t until tonight I realized there is something definitely wrong with me and did some research.  I found out that not only does alcohol retard the effects of the medication I take, it also can cause death, and not rarely either.  My meds affect my central nervous system and, mixed with alcohol, are lethal.

For those of you who are living with bi-polar disorder or who love someone who is, please visit this website here.  Read it, read it, read it.

Now for my plan:

  • It’s cold outside but I am going to walk at least a block every day and slowly add to it.
  • Somehow I have to limit my time on the Web.  That’s so hard to do since my life is so isolated.
  • I will read more and even watch TV.
  • I have to stay off that dating website as much as possible.
  • I will eat better and buy groceries.
  • I will NOT drink alcohol at all.

Thank you all for being here with me and making it all the way through this post.

I wasn’t sure I was going to.

Peace

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10 responses to “Peace…

  1. Hang in there, love. There are many good points to your plan. Print it out and put it in several places (including your computer!!) so you can see it and be reminded. I pray you find relief.

  2. Hi Sista’!
    With my therapist we made some rules.. and added some creative ideas!

    1. Do not let X passed the front door of the building if you have to meet for something (ie, getting some stuff from my old house). Meet outside.
    2. Put little stop signs around the house to remind me to a. stop ruminating, b. breathe in the present moment, and c!!!! do not let X in the door even during vulnerable moments! (this one goes with no 1)
    3. No dating for at least 6 months, preferably 1 year.

    You are in the healing process my dear. No one.. I mean no one is more important than you right now! This process will take time and you need to reach out and continue writing.

    I read every single one of your posts! I love them.. they make me feel not so alone.. so in helping yourself, you are helping me.

    Love

    Kim

    • Thank you my Sista! I love that you love them and I really like your rules. I can modify them pretty easy to suit my ridiculous life.

      Keep reading and see you on FB!

  3. We are here for you, Marie! I think your plan sounds spot on, just focus on the next right step 🙂

    • Thanks Tori. When I read about your son’s birthday it really struck a chord deep inside me. I think it’s what gave me the long sought-after nudge I needed to write again. You rock, lady!

  4. I want you to put up another sign …. this one goes on your bathroom mirror…. it’s for both you and Carley … it is to say.

    ” I am Perfectly Me!” And you are to say that 5 times in the morning and 5 times before bed….. Cause my friend you are prefectly you … you are who you are suppose to be … we all change over time …. but even them you will still be prefectly you.

  5. Remember we are always questioning who we are and what we are doing? Just always remember how important you are to you kids, your family, your friends, people who read your Blog, people looking for answers in your insightful writing. I hope one day you will just be able to see how wonderful you are, without question, and may one day you just believe it.
    Love your friend, Sherri

  6. I’m glad you took time out to write this; I hope it helped. (It always does for me.)

    I am sending love from here.

  7. Hey Dear! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been and I’m so sorry for the symptoms that you’ve been having. It sounds like you have a good plan for yourself. I haven’t been online that much myself. My husband had surgery last week and I’ve been doing a lot for him. Please take good care of you and I’m sending loving, healing thoughts your way. ❤ 🙂

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