I’m going to apologize in advance to all who read my words at this time.  My life has, once again, taken a turn for the worse.  I think my next couple of posts will be on the oh so tragic, poor me, side. If I can post anything at all.

My heart hurts, my life hurts.

I lost my job and I lost it because of me, who I am and I’m just no good.  My brain is confused and has been for months.  The near misses when I’m driving, the forgetting where I am or even what I’m doing. The paranoia that drive many people away from me is on full attack.  I’m at the door and windows half the night watching and waiting for some one to come for me.  This is even on a doctor approved triple dose of my anti anxiety medication and I can’t sleep.

I think I’m sick.

I think I’m sick again.  Now I’ve lost my job due to my incompetence and have no way to provide for my family. I’m in no shape to work and no one will want to hire me.

I had the presence of mind to go to Employment Insurance who told me, even though I was fired, I might still collect from them.  I had walked in there, thinking it was the welfare office and realized later that I must have known it wasn’t.  They were very kind.  I must have looked pretty awful because the woman behind the desk came out and led me to a chair where she explained to me about filling out the form online.  She led me over to a computer and got me started and introduced a man who would be around if I needed help.  I checked the time, not that I had anywhere to go.  I stared at the screen for a while, reading each word carefully, using all my energy to be focused on this one task.  I started to type; to fill in the blanks.  It was then I noticed how bad I was shaking.  The kind man was right there as I held my head in my hands, willing my body to have some class, some dignity.  He ended up filling in the claim for me.  I sat there and shook and shook and answered the questions he asked me. Except for my address.  I had to find something with my new address on it.  Even as I left I lurched into a couple of chairs, sending one of them skidding into the aisle.  More humiliation before 10:30 am.  This had taken 2 hours of my pathetic life.

I called welfare from my car after EI and I go Tuesday after I see my GP who had called me about test results that were a “concern”.  Great.

Soon no car.  Soon no phone.

After calling welfare I went to my lawyer’s office to stop him from proceeding on my domestic case against my Ex.  I couldn’t afford a lawyer.  He was so kind and assigned his son to take my case as he does the Legal Aid in the office.  Good.

I went to the grocery store and bought 4 things.  I don’t know what they were.

I got home and went to take off my shoes and realized I had worn my slippers all day.  What a stereotype of mental illness I must have looked like, shuffling along in my slippers, clothes that don’t fit because I’m so swollen.  None of my shoes fit either as my feet are double the size.  I could not afford the medication I take to get rid of the swelling and had to get my psych meds so something had to go.

I had seen Dr. G. shortly after I was fired.  He’s not talking about putting me on disability again; he wants me in a 4 week program that is supposed to help me get back to work and deal with my psych issues.  Today I got in touch with them and I’m set for an interview/intake for Monday.

I had to tell my ex tonight that I lost my job.  He had brought money for “child support” (I would laugh but it’s pathetic) and he immediately made noises of taking our daughter.  I promised my sister I wouldn’t tell him I applied for welfare this means I’m able to get Legal Aid get the frigging money he’s supposed to be giving me.  There is a risk of him deciding to just cut me off now and wait for a court decision.  He would too.  He resents every pitiful cent.

Today, 2 days after leaving the office, I slept.  I slept all day.  I know that’s bad.  I couldn’t help it.  I got up and drove my girl to school and came home, crawled into bed.  I got up once after a couple of hours only to realize I was falling asleep drinking a cup of tea which sloshed on my shaking hand, waking me.

My sister said a wise thing last night(?):

 Hopefully this is your rock bottom and all you can do is go up from here.

I figure I must be stronger than I think.  I’ve been grabbing onto anything I can to be alive.  I welcome the numbness my meds are bringing me right now. Today there were all kinds of posts on FB and the internet about suicide.  My thoughts were definitely in this direction. I don’t know how the hell I’m holding on, my threads are my children, my sister, my precious few friends and even my cat. These are the things that keep me alive.

I want to do something.  I NEED to do something.  I don’t know what to do. I’ve done what I can.

I feel bad for those I let down.  This is my punishment.  Who the hell do I think I am.

I want to be somebody again.

15 responses to “Curves

  1. My dearest soul-sista’ my heart goes out to you. The courage and bravery you have shown in this post is amazing. Curveball after curveball is not easy, and living with a mental illness is a double whammy for those curveballs.

    I pray this “curveball” is the “rock bottom” your sister is talking about. This is a true gift in disguise. I’ve been there, I feel you.. I HEAR you.. I SEE you.. you are an amazing being of light full of love to share. You have gifts, and you have courage.. you are brilliant!

    (((HUGS))) come in doses of a trillion from me.

    Keep writing.. every day.. here and in a journal.. keep writing..

    • Ah Kim, Thank you. I can’t form words right now that are inspiring so what you get are my open arms receiving your hugs and mr brain storing your kind words to look at again. I am not amazing at all but I am here and intend to stay here.

  2. P.S. You ARE a somebody… I am reading Eckhart Tolle right now.. and basically he says “If you admit you don’t know who you are, then you are on the right track” …

  3. Oh, Marie. How I wish I could help. You are somebody, a brave and loving somebody. I pray you will start to believe in yourself. Hang on tight to those dearest to you and fight. Fight with one cell if one cell is all you can muster. Then 2.
    Seriously, I do not know how you are going to work (or how you went to work, even). I hope the cyber hugs I’m sending are working…you are not alone.

    • I don’t know how I will work again either, but I will. Hugs are great no matter if they are virtual or not. They are warm and I can feel the warmth coming from you K8e. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

  4. You, my dear, are a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, funny, insightful, friendly, generous woman.

    And right now you need some help.

    Please call Shelly. Please call a hotline. Please don’t try to do this alone.

    I wish I was there.

    I love you.

  5. I have bothered enough people with my problems, Jan and I am going to get through this. My kids are my tie to this world. There isn’t anything anyone can do except you can keep sharing the facebook messages you have all week. I think one or two of them saved my life.

    I wish you were here too, Jan, but I’m glad you are where you are; with your family and happy and well taken care of. Don’t ever take it for granted.

    I love you too.

  6. Deborah the Closet Monster

    You are somebody. In good times and tough times alike, you are somebody both worth being and knowing.

    My heart aches for you. Sending love and prayers.

  7. oh Marie, you are somebody. There are highs and there are lows, this is just a low and it will get better. ((Hugs)) do you want to get together to work out a plan of attack? I can meet with you anytime.

    • Thanks Sue. Things still don’t feel better. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop or hit me in the head. The world I knew is now a frightening place. Thank you so much for wanting to help. You are my newest friend and I already love you.

  8. I’m so sorry that I didn’t see this post sooner. I’m visiting my daughter and my computer time has been sketchy. My heart is aching for you. ACHING! This is NOT your fault and YOU ARE NOT being punished for anything that you’ve done wrong. You have a stupid mental illness that IS NOT your fault. Although I only know you from your posts, I can tell that you are a VERY good person, a hard worker, and an extremely loving mother. Nothing that you have intentionally done has caused this–it just genetics and none of us have control over that.
    I’m proud of you for contacting your doctor, for making it out of your apartment to seek employment insurance, for contacting your lawyer, for calling your sister. Please promise that you will continue to call your family and that you will continue to reach out for help wherever you can find it.
    Most of all, remember that this is temporary. You will not feel like this forever. Your meds will get regulated and you will get well. I’ve watched my own daughter’s ups and downs, and know that things do get better.
    Your situation is exactly what welfare and disability benefits were meant for. Please accept whatever aid is out there for you and don’t feel at all bad about it. You need to rest and focus on you. I’m sending so many loving and healing thoughts your way!! 🙂 🙂 ❤ ❤ You will get through this!

  9. Marie, I’m not bi-polar but I am a severe depressive and have been hospitalized twice in the last six months after suicide attempts. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I quit my job about two weeks ago because if I didn’t, I was going to try and kill myself again. I’m about to have my house foreclosed and every phone call is a creditor.
    Now listen up — the only thing that’s gotten me through has been the love and support of my friends and family. Your sister sounds like a jewel — listen to her. And don’t make the mistake I made, and refuse to ask for help.
    My thoughts are with you and I hope to see some good news posted here soon!

  10. Marie, I agree with k8edid. “You are somebody, a brave and loving somebody. I pray you will start to believe in yourself. ”
    I am so sorry I didn’t read this blog sooner. It breaks my heart that you feel you are nothing and have nothing to offer this world. When I am dealing with thoughts of hurt and being lost, I think of how much you and I have been through. I know how strong we are as women, because of each others strengths through the years. I know how hard it is to feel that you just can’t get it right and that the only thing you did right was your kids. You have been through alot but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Please call me if you want to talk, or need anything. My number never changes. I love you and need to know you are ok. Your friend FOREVER. Sherri

  11. Pingback: Looking Back, Pushing Forward | MARIE's space

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