I’m going to apologize in advance to all who read my words at this time. My life has, once again, taken a turn for the worse. I think my next couple of posts will be on the oh so tragic, poor me, side. If I can post anything at all.
I lost my job and I lost it because of me, who I am and I’m just no good. My brain is confused and has been for months. The near misses when I’m driving, the forgetting where I am or even what I’m doing. The paranoia that drive many people away from me is on full attack. I’m at the door and windows half the night watching and waiting for some one to come for me. This is even on a doctor approved triple dose of my anti anxiety medication and I can’t sleep.
I think I’m sick.
I think I’m sick again. Now I’ve lost my job due to my incompetence and have no way to provide for my family. I’m in no shape to work and no one will want to hire me.
I had the presence of mind to go to Employment Insurance who told me, even though I was fired, I might still collect from them. I had walked in there, thinking it was the welfare office and realized later that I must have known it wasn’t. They were very kind. I must have looked pretty awful because the woman behind the desk came out and led me to a chair where she explained to me about filling out the form online. She led me over to a computer and got me started and introduced a man who would be around if I needed help. I checked the time, not that I had anywhere to go. I stared at the screen for a while, reading each word carefully, using all my energy to be focused on this one task. I started to type; to fill in the blanks. It was then I noticed how bad I was shaking. The kind man was right there as I held my head in my hands, willing my body to have some class, some dignity. He ended up filling in the claim for me. I sat there and shook and shook and answered the questions he asked me. Except for my address. I had to find something with my new address on it. Even as I left I lurched into a couple of chairs, sending one of them skidding into the aisle. More humiliation before 10:30 am. This had taken 2 hours of my pathetic life.
I called welfare from my car after EI and I go Tuesday after I see my GP who had called me about test results that were a “concern”. Great.
Soon no car. Soon no phone.
After calling welfare I went to my lawyer’s office to stop him from proceeding on my domestic case against my Ex. I couldn’t afford a lawyer. He was so kind and assigned his son to take my case as he does the Legal Aid in the office. Good.
I went to the grocery store and bought 4 things. I don’t know what they were.
I got home and went to take off my shoes and realized I had worn my slippers all day. What a stereotype of mental illness I must have looked like, shuffling along in my slippers, clothes that don’t fit because I’m so swollen. None of my shoes fit either as my feet are double the size. I could not afford the medication I take to get rid of the swelling and had to get my psych meds so something had to go.
I had seen Dr. G. shortly after I was fired. He’s not talking about putting me on disability again; he wants me in a 4 week program that is supposed to help me get back to work and deal with my psych issues. Today I got in touch with them and I’m set for an interview/intake for Monday.
I had to tell my ex tonight that I lost my job. He had brought money for “child support” (I would laugh but it’s pathetic) and he immediately made noises of taking our daughter. I promised my sister I wouldn’t tell him I applied for welfare this means I’m able to get Legal Aid get the frigging money he’s supposed to be giving me. There is a risk of him deciding to just cut me off now and wait for a court decision. He would too. He resents every pitiful cent.
Today, 2 days after leaving the office, I slept. I slept all day. I know that’s bad. I couldn’t help it. I got up and drove my girl to school and came home, crawled into bed. I got up once after a couple of hours only to realize I was falling asleep drinking a cup of tea which sloshed on my shaking hand, waking me.
My sister said a wise thing last night(?):
Hopefully this is your rock bottom and all you can do is go up from here.
I figure I must be stronger than I think. I’ve been grabbing onto anything I can to be alive. I welcome the numbness my meds are bringing me right now. Today there were all kinds of posts on FB and the internet about suicide. My thoughts were definitely in this direction. I don’t know how the hell I’m holding on, my threads are my children, my sister, my precious few friends and even my cat. These are the things that keep me alive.
I want to do something. I NEED to do something. I don’t know what to do. I’ve done what I can.
I feel bad for those I let down. This is my punishment. Who the hell do I think I am.