Blue


Okay so a lot of you won’t relate to this.  Maybe some of you will and won’t admit it and think I just might be a whiny baby cry baby.  I don’t know what to do.  At this point I feel pretty desperate.

Why can’t I stop thinking about a man who was so callous towards me.  One who acted like I was the most amazing thing in his life then turning around and treating me so disrespectfully.  What is it about me?  He’s not the first and I hope he will be the last.

To not hear a word from him is a shock, even to Dr. G. who has a real handle on personalities (he is a PSYCHIATRIST).  I don’t want to think the last year was a total farce, I just don’t believe it.  The realization of that possibility, though, makes me feel like a total fool and I am left cold.

I don’t want to write this.  I want to show everyone how much I learned without being cynical and self-serving.  I want to appear strong and brave and cool. I don’t want to sound bitter and weak and needy. How does one do that?  I have had years of counselling, 23 to be exact, so I know a thing or two or 22,349 things.  This just isn’t going well tonight.

I know I said I learned a lot from this relationship and I did.  I learned about loving someone and being able to consciously and unconsciously overlook their faults and mine too.  I didn’t even notice anything like faults until they were shoved into my face.  I loved being able to tell him constantly how smart, sexy and capable I thought he was and being surprised to know these were things he had never, ever heard before.  I believe he may have actually started to see these things in himself. I was proud I could be there with all my support and love that was all for him.  I showed him how much I appreciated him and all the things that were him, baggage and all.  I embraced his, and what he thought were, his shortcomings; i.e. his weight, his lack of money etc.  Those were things that did not make the whole man but only part of him.

For some reason, these good feelings I had made him push me away.  I finally had to realize there was only so much I will take.

I learned joy, true joy, whether we were together or not.  Because he lived an hour away I was able to learn to do a lot of things on my own.  I had his encouragement, perspective and advice  to help me along.

I learned how strong I am and not just in making day-to-day decisions.  But in knowing what is right for me and my family.  I waited  “four seasons” just like my counsellor advised me before making any solid commitments, like living together.  I had to look at factors I was never faced with before and question whether I thought it would be truly wise to uproot myself, my daughter and my cat to a home so different from ours.  The opposite of ours.  This was not about me.  It was never about me.

I made the right decision.

There is pain psychologically.  I am having so much trouble focusing on the day-to-day things. Work is next to impossible.  I am not at my best, not even close.  Every amazing idea I think I have for a new program or something is met with polite voices and a change of subject.  God, I hate when that happens.  It usually means the end and I love my job very much.  So, for now, I shut up and just be what is expected of me.

Physically I have the usual aches and pains with more pronounced pain in my back and more headaches.  This is all because of my back and my being unable to do simple exercises such as walking.  10 minutes is it.  I have gained more weight than ever before; Dr. G. is talking about changing one of my meds as it seems to be the culprit for my increased appetite and consequent ballooning.

That should be interesting.  He is holding off, though, because of the increased stress in my life.  Thank goodness for that because if I was not on the dose of Lithium I am on currently, I don’t know how I would be getting through this at all. I see Dr. G. every two weeks so he will assess me intermittently.  I’ve made all my appointments with various other physicians as per his orders.

Of course I think, how could I meet a new man looking and feeling like this?  Who cares?  Not me. I can’t.  I won’t anyway.  I don’t want to at all.  I’m not even close to being ready.  I have no desire to be vulnerable like that again.  There is no way I can even imagine talking to a guy, let alone having someone see me naked.  So the increased weight is a good incentive not to meet anyone.  Not that anyone is knocking on my door. I don’t want anyone to, I need to gather my wits about me.  This is unusual for me, for those that know me.  I have always had a man in my life.  Always.  So it really is time for a break.

This has been a triple whammy really; that man I lived with, that man I was friends with for many years and took a tumble with, and Dennis.  Funny how he is the only one with a name.  That should change in time.

So now’s the time for a good, long break and enjoy being me.  I am eager to make new friends, get to know old ones and try some new things.  I enjoy the lack of someone else’s drama in my life.  I am spending more time with my kids now and it’s so much fun.  With me not working my second job its amazing how much time there is in a day when I’m not waiting for someone to come on-line or call me.

So, I wrote it all down, I feel better, now how the heck do you feel?

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10 responses to “Blue

  1. I wrote a bunch of morning pages this morning about how I felt.. I think I put every negative adjective in there. I did not judge myself this time for whining because, in fact, we are human right?

    I destroyed the page, and have room for joy now. I think, my friend, we are going through similar things. I’m glad we’ve met.

    🙂

    • Thanks Kim. I maybe shouldn’t have posted this as I was a raw and weeping wound. I did though and did it because it’s a huge part of my little life right now. I normally try not to whine. You’re right about that, us all being human.
      I didn’t destroy the page because I just didn’t have the heart to do it. I think when I read it again, without an editor’s eye, I will get more out of it. I hate that I’m fighting embarrassment about showing my feelings.
      I’m so glad we met, too, Kim. I agree, I think you and I have been on the same path the last few weeks. I love your DreamFridays and look forward to the next one!

    • I love and second this comment. Is it wrong of me, Marie, to leave it at that?

  2. You Marie, are an amazing woman don’t ever forget that. You have a caring heart and I am proud to call you my friend. I love you and i’m better then any man 🙂

  3. It feels good to get all of those feelings out! I have journals full of similar writings! You will be absolutely, positively, perfectly fine, Marie. At least you only spent a year of your precious time with him. (I once spent 5 years dating a guy who wasn’t always super respectful of me. In truth, he was a big ol’ douch bag!) You are so very strong and although there may be blue days, (you wouldn’t be normal if they’re weren’t) you will get through this.
    The main thing right now is to focus on your kids, your wants, and needs, and your health.
    I’m so glad that I met you on here, too. When I first found your blog, your posts gave me hope for my daughter with BP, and they still do! 🙂 🙂
    A million hugs to you!!

    • You, my sweet Sprinkles, know the right thing to say at the right time. You have given me hope about many things, especially after your post about Mr. Sprinkles. I am concentrating on the things you say which is easy as the thought of being with someone else right now is rather repulsive. LOL. Hey, I’m dealing with my own drama, who needs someone else’s now?
      I know I will get through this and will do it both on my own and with my fabulous support team.

  4. Oh.. writing it here is ok!! So ok.. It makes us who are going through the same thing.. not feel so alone ..

    Thanks again
    xxoo

  5. I Will have to visit again whenever my course load lets up – however I am getting your Rss feed so i could read your web blog offline. Thanks.

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