Guilt and Distance

I’m guilty.  This is something I would do it all the time if I had the chance.  I don’t know why I give in to this ridiculous offense and why I do it so often.  Many of my friends have been my victims and still love me anyway.  I’ve actually gotten better the last couple of years.  It wasn’t until last night where the urge was so strong it was almost irresistible.

Yes I can admit it. It’s sometimes an overwhelming feeling and I just have to do it.  Last night I almost picked up my phone and drunk dialed Dennis, my former boyfriend of less than one week.  That would have been a disaster beyond disasters.  I didn’t do it.  I was drunk but remained strong.

It started with my son, Jay coming for supper and bringing his new girlfriend for us to meet.    They brought me, the momma, wine.

Not just wine but a magnum of wine.  And wine in a can.  Yes, we had wine in a can.  The bottle and the can hit me very, very hard.  Not like CLUNK in the head but, well yeah, like CLANG in the head.  Like I said earlier, I was so tempted to call Dennis up and let him sweet talk me.  Well, I don’t think he would have sweet talked me at all but he might have taken the opportunity to make me more miserable than I already was.  At that moment he had the power to do that.  When my pickled brain actually realized that this made sense I could lose the urge more easily when otherwise I would normally give in to it.  I’m pretty proud of not calling. I know I’m still very vulnerable so I won’t take that risk again.

Carrying around a cell phone for the last 12 years was when my drunk dialing problem really came to light.  I called friends countless of times and at all hours.  Hell, I called everyone in my directory at one time or another and some of them weren’t even friends.  Most people who would be with me at the time would do nothing to stop me.  They would just sit there and watch and cheer me on. I was pretty entertaining trying to not sound drunk while trying to engage the sleepy and very polite person in conversation.

Usually the jig was up within moments then I was “on”.  I called one friend with the excuse I couldn’t find my wine glass anywhere and expected him to know where it was.  He was great and sent me all over the house and the yard until I finally found it, half full, by the wood pile in the yard.  Huh, didn’t have a clue how it got there.  It was 3:30 in the morning.

I blush.

So if I have your number I’m sorry. So take heart that the urge has diminished with time.  I plan to stay away from the booze until my frame of mind is better.  Yesterday I felt pretty down, lonely and useless all day.  I even had to go home from work early.  I napped in the afternoon and waited for my kids to get home.

Lots of times booze is my friend and I have fun and I dance and everything is in moderation but on days like yesterday it was my bitter enemy.  I know better than to drink that much with my meds and when I’m already feeling so lost and sad.  I’m glad no harm came of it.

No one was dialed.  This time, no one was hurt.

The new girlfriend still thought I was great.  I thought she was pretty great too.  For heaven’s sake, she brought me wine in a can!

4 responses to “Guilt and Distance

  1. Too bad you are 2 provinces away from me!! We could get together and drink a can of wine!! LOL in good spirits!

    I’m glad you held off on the buttons. You are strong.


    • Thanks Kim. It was a really strong feeling I’m glad I got over fast. You know, that wine in a can? Not bad at all. 1 can is the equivilent of 1.5 glasses of wine. It would be awesome to share some with you!

  2. I approve of the son’s new girlfriend. Wine in a can is pretty brilliant. Also? KUDOS to you for avoiding that disaster. I’ve stepped in that pile WAY too many times!

  3. So far so good with the son’s new girlfriend. We had such a nice time even with my struggle with urges and disaster seeking behaviour. When will we see the dress Tori?! I live life vicariously through you and your bloggy wedding.

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