Monthly Archives: May 2011

stuck inside. me


I’ve had a book inside of me for almost 10 years now. Ooo that sounds painful and it is.  I did try to write a book once.  It came out as a short story and it was a good short story.  I had the editing genius of my good friend, Corrie; she was relentless with spelling, grammar and, most importantly, boosting my confidence along the way as it had a tendency to lag a bit. 

I submitted my masterpiece to numerous publications and finally one accepted it.  The problem was I had to literally butcher it from the original 5,000 words to 1,800.  Butchered.  I hated it.  It went online as part of an e-book (I can’t even find it online anymore thank goodness).  It was a book for a charity in England where you were on your honour to donate to the charity then download the book for free. 

It was a thrill at first, seeing my name in the table of contents.  But when I decided to read it again I cried.  Not because of its poignancy and smooth sentences and clear ideas but because it lost everything I put into it; all the love, memories, tears, laughter and work was simply gone.  Just like that.

I tried putting it in my blog in installments (way back) and rewriting it all the while. When it came to the last installment I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t put it in.  It was still not right. 

I ended up have a relapse with my meds, became quite ill and didn’t write again for 4 years.

When I went back to my blog the first thing I did was delete the installments.  I knew it could be better.  It would be better.  Then I didn’t write a word anywhere for 3 more years, 2 of those because of another relapse. I was more ill than I’ve ever been yet.

This past year is the year I have consistently wrote and been mostly healthy mentally.  I cannot stop thinking about that story.  It’s getting downright distracting!  I’ll wait at red lights when, out of nowhere, I’m expanding a scene from the story in such fine detail I can see it in front of me. 

Until somebody honks. 

But still I hold back.

I haven’t started it yet.  I want to.  Oh, I want to. 

I’m not saying I won’t do it, I know I will.  It’s just all so daunting. 

How can this affected brain of mine have this incredible work in it?  Maybe only I will think it’s wonderful and meaningful.  It won’t change the world in any way.  Why is that important anyway?

So after writing today on my blog I realized I should write the story for me and make it mine again.  I need to remember to be gentle with myself.  I should not think about publishers and manuscripts.  I know how hard it is to get published with all the wonderful stories there are to tell out there.  I can’t read those fast enough.

So, now I need to make a date with myself and get started.  All you experienced writers out there, what advice will you give me?

A Letter To My Friend Whom I’ve Never Met


Hello my Friend, Hello!

I really had to take time out of my busy schedule to let you know just what you’ve meant to me these last few weeks.  I’ve never known anyone quite like you and I totally love the times we’ve shared.

You have no idea what it means to someone like me when my public feelings are validated.  When you take the time to tell me how I affect you in your life or in that moment, I am totally shocked.  And touched.  And other indescribable things. I appreciate the fact that you want to and have the guts to tell your side of things to me. 

We are stronger together, more and more.

How could there be words to express to you how I feel because you took the time to spread my words to others.  I’m really not stupid or you wouldn’t want to be a part of my life.  My words actually mean something to someone besides myself.  I’m so glad it’s you.

I understand you want share the feelings I unleashed with a few simple words and statements.  Together we find meaning where it was hidden.  I feel there is now a totally new concept to the word “enable”. 

I’ve never meant to make you cry.  I know feelings can be overwhelming at times.  If I stirred up negative thoughts or memories, please realize I have them too.  I have them a lot.  You, my friend, have kept me sane.  I know you cry because I touched something deep inside.  It just needed a push to get out. 

You’re welcome for that.

I am filled with amazement and even puzzlement; you must understand my surprise and awe at your power.  I was NEVER popular and have had few friends. How can I describe what it means to me when I see more people wanting to know me, taking the time to reflect on my (??)point of view and wanting to become close to me. 

This happens because you said they should and because you believe in me.  That means more to me than I could ever tell you.

You have never met me.  I have never met you. Yet, I feel we’ve known each other forever.

All I can do is keep going, keep writing, keep having a reason to go on.  I promise to repay you in the only way I know you will accept.  I will spread the words of others who deserve the chance to shine.

Yes, that’s how I feel; all shiny. 

Thank you.

I love you,

Marie (mimicat12)

Wishes


I usually make a wish every morning on my way to work.  I go through an underpass with a train moving above me.  The superstition is (and I am very superstitious) as you drive under the bridge you take your feet off the floor, close your eyes, lick your thumb and thunk it to the ceiling of the car all while you make your wish.  Make sure the train is above you and moving.  I have been doing this for years and I have learned to be careful what I wish for.

One time I wished for money.  Found a nickel that very day.  Big whup. 

I tried to be more specific and wished to win the lottery.  I got $2 that Friday.  Not really what I had in mind.

Many times I wished for things beyond my control (yeah, like winning money isn’t beyond my control?) such as wishing my ex had loved me enough or my son to quit smoking or someone would give me as much chocolate I want.  I learned that wishing for things that involve other people just do not come true.  I think those things have already been decided.  Kinda have to do stuff for myself most of the time.

Mostly what I wish for is for my mental illness to stabilize and it has, many times.  Unfortunately or fortunately, however you want to look at it.  I cannot wish it away because it won’t go away and I really don’t mind having bi-polar disorder, as long as my meds are working.  Up to as recently as a month ago, my meds were sliding and that is not good.  That means I was sliding and I hate that.  So much.  My Dr. G. fixed me up tout suite with an increase, and after 2 weeks in spite of the horrible side effects, I can’t believe how I feel: wonderful.  Gone is the anxiety and I love how I am able to see things more clearly.  No depressive episodes, no paranoia; I feel on top of the game.  Today Dr. G. wanted me to go back to the former dose because of the side effects but I said no.  I want to hold on to this amazing confidence I know is always there but suppressed because of my illness.  I know the unpleasant side effects will go away.  In fact they are better already.

So what should one wish for?  My advice is to keep it simple.  Just wish for things to be better. 

Oh, and I just remembered there are 2 chocolate bars in my purse!

Oh, and don’t crash into anything.

No Ducking Way!


I woke up to a gloomy day this morning.  Been gloomy for almost a week now.  My world got a little bit brighter when I opened the living room blinds.  Not brighter  because I was letting in some of that gloomy light.  No, this is what was on my front lawn here in the mean streets of the city:

Yes two Ducks!  Seagulls are usual and robins are too but this blew me away.  A loving couple on my lawn.  I hope they weren’t nesting. They looked entirely to comfy there right by the road.

I called to my daughter to come and see this unusual sight.  She was not impressed and reminded me she is afraid of ducks (!?!).

Well, these guys were amazing to me.  I watched them as a car came by.  The male was obviously very protective of his female friend.  He reared up and went to her side.  She didn’t move.  I was getting worried.  She was either hurt or WAS nesting on my lawn.  As much as this whole experience was entertaining to me, I really hoped they would move soon.  The dog walkers were due any minute.

They stayed for a while longer.  I think their conversation went something like:

“Bubbles my dear, we must really be off.  I’m feeling rather…exposed out here.”

“Drake, darling, you know we can’t do that.”

“Bubbles, sweetums, why in the world not?”

“Drake, my manly bulrush, do you know where we are?”

“Oh, my sweet little mosquito, we are NOT LOST. Trust me.  For I am a duck so therefore I know exactly where we are.    Why, I do believe it might rain.”

“So, my stubborn little breadcrumb, where the hell are we?”

“Now now, sugar niblet, you know getting upset is bad for the children before they hatch.” 

“Why don’t you ask that lady in the window for directions?”

“We are not LOST!!!” 

Cars were zooming by and they finally took off.  It really did look like they were arguing. 

By the way, I do NOT hear ducks talking to each other.  I have meds to stop that sort of thing. And I know how to use them.

A Mother of a Mother’s Day


I had a mixed-feelings kind of day.  My daughter had a sleepover birthday party last night so she wasn’t even around to pamper me with breakfast in bed and all that hooey. (I say hooey only because I didn’t get breakfast in bed.)  Knowing my son, he was still sleeping.  I had to leave for work by 11:30 and dropped very strong hints to my daughter about the best time to reach me. 

Everywhere I looked were happy mothers with their kids and partners; they walked down the street, and Facebook had play-by-plays of breakfasts in bed along with pictures of smiling children holding on to their precious gifts for their precious mothers.

I was starting to think how terrible a mother I must be to be alone on Mother’s Day morning with nary a call nor a text from one of my young uns.

Forlorn and anxious about waiting for the phone to ring, I roused my Fella on MSN video.  He can usually be counted on to make me laugh. Or just melt my socks off.

Oh what did I do?” I wailed.

“It’s a bitch, hunny.  Wait and see what happens.  You never know.” He sweet talked me.  Always works.

Then I noticed a very interesting thing outside my living room window.  A big truck.  Not just a big truck but a BIG truck from The Brick.  And it was parked in front of my house.

“Something good is happening to somebody today,” and explained to my Fella what I was seeing.  Though by this time he was absorbed in the sheet metal he found on kijiji and was only making grunting sounds.

Wait a minute.  One of the delivery guys was coming up my ramp!  And he had a clipboard!  I excitedly told my darling fella that something was being delivered right here!  What could it be?  Who is it from?  My kids are great, oh they love me yes they do! I did a little dance.

“Just answer the door, hunny.” Oh, right.

I met the guy at the door.  I was so excited and he could sure tell.  He was happy to tell me my new table and chairs had arrived.  I just looked at him blankly.  I don’t even have a dining room.  I saw other men unloading a huge box from the huge truck. He double-checked the address with me.  Crap.  It was for 3 blocks that way. 

Bye-bye present.  Bye-bye truck.

Crushed.  I was crushed.  My Fella sympathized with me.  He even gave up looking at kijiji to comfort me.  I just couldn’t believe it.  It was like someone was playing a really mean joke on me.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Hon.” Yeah, thanks sweetie.

So off I went to work with a lump in my throat and a fist in my tummy.  Put in my 5 hours of hard labour, punishing myself for the failures I have brought upon myself.  During my break, I, of course, checked my phone for messages.  My wonderful first-born had texted me and wanted to take me for supper.  Ah, one of them loves me.  Now for the other one.  I texted Carly.  No answer.  Texted her again.  No answer and break was over.

After work my phone was dead so I ran to the car to put it on a charger.  The girl had texted me.  No HMD but “pick me up at 6”.  Yeah right.  I called her and gave her a piece of my mind. 

She took the bus home.

My Jason brought me flowers then we three went out for supper to our favourite place, Salisbury House.  We always get a booth in the back because those two really get noticed.    They throw food at each other, call each other names, wrestle, laugh, screech, bellow and belch. And they’re loud. 

It was so much fun.

Carly got Jason’s BB while he was paying and changed his status on his Facebook.  It now reads I love my sister.

He’s good with it though.  He already had 3 women commenting on how sweet he is.  And he really is.

Next year, I will not let this amazing day stress me out so much.  Today, whenever I felt anxious I would think of my own mother and the wonderful things she did and the sacrifices she made.  I appreciated her after I had my own kids and went to her constantly for advice.  Now, of course, she is gone but how I learned from her!

It’s kind of hard to live up to a legend. I am so proud to be her daughter.  I only hope my kids will feel half the love for me that I feel for my mom right now.

Happy Mother’s Day.  I feel a whole lot better.

Mimi on Meme


I’ve been tagged by the incredible Deb Bryan of http://deborah-bryan.com/ to wrack my weary brain and give some mind-boggling answers to interesting questions:

If you could go back in time and relive one moment, what would it be?

This could be so many times from the silly (showing my friend Corrie the biffy I redecorated for her) to the profound (either of my children being born) to the macabre (being with my mom as she died).   I can think of many times I would NOT like to relive (all of 1978, my last six months at Nine Circles). 

One time does stand out in my mind.  I was with a (very) former so-called boyfriend and I wanted to search for the land my mother left me in her will.  All I knew was it was in a small town in south-western Manitoba.  All I had were the co-ordinates and a copy of the land title.  We went all over that town all that hot, dusty day tracking one lead after the next.  Dead ends all around until someone from the land titles realized I should be looking in a different area; it was actually 20 miles outside of town.  Hot, thirsty and hungry we took one more shot at it and got lost.  Crap.  Three more hours lost and no land so I decided to stay the night and start fresh in the morning after a good sleep and a hot shower.  I was so close, I could feel it!

The next morning I checked at another town office where the woman there totally knew where it was and drew a map for me!  She also included the name and phone number of the town councilman.  This was it.  I knew it.

Found it.  All that driving (2 hours from the city and most of the day before, 3 more hours that morning) and there it was.  I knew it almost before I drove up to it.  I got out of the car and deliberately placed my foot on the land my mother and my grandmother before her owned.  I was overcome with emotions that are indescribable here.  I was literally on my knees, weeping from the power that was permeating my soul.

You see, this was land meant for a chosen woman in our family to use as a “safe” place, in case “something should happen” because of a man in her life.  Sell it, live on it, rent it.  Knowing my mom and gramma meant for me to feel and live this moment was overwhelming.  They believed I was a strong capable person, just like they were.  I felt them both.   They were protecting me. They were in the tall prairie grass waving in the breeze, in the aroma of canola growing in the fields alongside my little plot. I could hear my mom’s laughter and smell the mints my gramma loved so much.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that.  That was one good thing about the jerk I was with; he knew enough that I was having a moment and it was best to let me have it.  Alone.  No men allowed.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

I would not change much if anything.  Everything has led up to where I am now.  I would not have my amazing kids or have known such amazing people in my life if something changed.  No.  Painful as life has been, it’s also been wonderful because of it.  Keep it the same.

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?

 I have absolutely no idea.  I like to think Sarah Conners in the first Terminator movie.  LOL.

If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?

A scumbag named David Dawson, a pedophile and all around despicable piece of garbage.  Get the idea I might not like the guy?  A cliff would be too merciful.

Name one habit you want to change in yourself

I want to stop slumping and stop simpering.  Gets me nowhere and is ruining my reputation.

Describe yourself in one word.

Kind.

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.

Soulful

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.

I have many things to say and don’t know it until I start to write; thoughts become clearer and life in general has more clarity.

Name at least 3 people to send this meme to, and then inform them

  • @daydreaminfool
  • @littleanimation
  • @mommyamc
  • @myrandomology
  • @ValerieWildman (just for fun)

Bloggers Unite!


When I heard about http://morningerection.wordpress.com/2011/04/15/i-would-like-to-publish-your-favorite-blog-post/ I was excited.  For one thing, it means I get to go through all my posts and find the right one to send in.  I’m calling on my readers to help me.  If it were up to you which post would you pick?  Take a look through my last 5 or 6 posts (less or more if you want) and leave a comment if you find one.  It’s not a contest for me or for you but something that will help my words fly out of here!

You, too, are invited to participate! Click the project name above for more info.