Moving through the darkness


Strange how I’ve been waking up at 4 am every day this week.  I thought the cat was the culprit but she was usually no where in sight.  Imagine my shock on one of these mornings when I woke up, not in my own bed but standing up in the basement of the house I’m staying in.  I opened my eyes and the shock was like an electric current that filled my whole body!  Nothing is down in the basement really, just some junk that has to go but it was the setting for many of my waking nightmares growing up.

I actually tried to scream and, just like in a bad dream, I was frozen and couldn’t move.  When I finally could I turned around and ran up those stairs so fast.  I haven’t run in years. I moved like a monster was snapping at my heels.  In a way, there was.

Of course I couldn’t sleep.  My cat came to keep me company in my room after I turned on all the lights I could find in the house.  She stayed with me while I tried to sleep without my cpap.  It was too noisy and I’m hard of hearing so trying to hear every creak and groan in the house was difficult enough without it.  I haven’t felt that kind of paralyzing fear in years.  I know I have had a lot of stress, a lot of stress I say, this past year. 

My daughter slept though it all and didn’t even ask why her light was on in her room when she woke up.  I had breakfast, drove her to school and went to work.  The dream I had seemed to have left me but I was still hyper-aware of everything.  Now when I wake up I put out my hand before I open my eyes.  I’m looking for my body pillow, the cpap, anything; just to be sure of where I am.  So far so good.  Although last night I was dreaming about my daughter deceiving me which she would never think of doing, at least right now and not like in my dream and I was yelling at her which I never do.  I again woke up at 4 am and caught myself yelling in my sleep. 

What the heck is going on?

Have any of you ever experienced that paralyzing fear?  Whether it was waking up or awake?  I would love to hear experiences from my readers.

Sweet dreams.

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