Strange and wonderful things happened to me today. For those in the know understand my current financial situation is pretty bad. Many have tried to help and I thank them for their efforts. Today was payday for me and I have too many payments to make and not enough money and food was not going to be an option unless something amazing happened.
My day started off with a nerve conduction test; my doctor suspected MS or MD I think. I went for this test and it was a doozy. The technician would stab me in a nerve and push a button on her key board. The first time she did it I narrowly missed her head with my foot. So the tests came out all good and I just have a pinched nerve that is starting to heal itself. Physio for me but that will be months away since I will be going on Manitoba Health’s tab. I can wait. It is better.
All the while I’m at the lab I was thinking about what to do about this pay cheque. I had a list of what had to be paid. Putting things off, I decided to go see my Dad at his nursing home. You know, the man has dementia but he sure knows when something is wrong. And he knows me so well! He knew it could be only money or a guy. I established right away the guy is great and he remembered my fella once again without any prompting from me. Then he started on the money part. He wanted to give me money to get out of debt. He doesn’t understand that he no longer has that option of just helping me out when he wants to. My oldest sister has power of attorney and has no patience with me and my problems whatsoever and acts like she could care less what happened to me. To be fair, she can’t just use my dad’s funds for anything but his wellbeing and she let me live in my dad’s house with minimal rent but that was when she still liked me. She has put the house up for sale this week so I will be off somewhere else in the next few months. I am so grateful I was able to stay in my childhood home; I feel so close to my mom and my dad all the time. Little signs of them are always around.
So the visit went well after I distracted him from my money troubles and off I went to face the music I didn’t want to face all day, all week and all month really. I was off to see the bank manager.
In the parking lot, I sat in my car before I went into the bank and my mom came to my mind as she so often does. There are signs of her everywhere. I drew strength from all the hardship she endured and knowing she survived for 87 years. I knew if my mom was the bank manager, she would go out of her way to help me. Because my mom knew me to be a sincere, passionate and competent person. I had to believe in this new authority figure and that she would get to know me and not pass judgement on me. I hoped she would see me as a human being who is filled with desperation for providing for her family. She would see how badly I wanted to fix everything so much.
She could take me right away. We were in her office for over an hour. She took apart my statements, looked at every last cent I earned and compared it to what I owed. She was shocked to see how I was stretching and trying to live. She was shocked to realized I was not exaggerating when I said I needed money to buy food. Shocked. She asked me how things could have become this bad. I couldn’t look at her but I told her the truth; I used to have a wonderful, very well-paying job. My relationship was in the toilet and going nowhere. Then I became ill and couldn’t work for 2 years. During those 2 years I finally found strength and left my relationship. Unfortunately I had to leave my daughter for a few months too, until I could find a place for both of us to live. I was staying with my wonderful son, who took me into his home with open arms. Eventually I was allowed to live in my dad’s house so my daughter could live with me again. Right after we moved in I found a really great job. The pay is okay but I cannot work full-time according to my doctor and they can’t afford to pay me anymore than they are.
After I was finished the bank manager didn’t say anything; she just kept looking at her computer screen. I wasn’t crying and I stressed to her I didn’t feel sorry for myself. Then I noticed by her monitor at purple pyramid. I instantly thought of my mom again. “Is that an amethyst?” I asked her. Her hard face softened and she almost smiled at me and said it was. She explained where she got it from. I could barely speak but I said, “It reminds me of my mom”. I could almost feel my mom next to me. The bank manager pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders and turned back to me with a new look in her eyes.
She came up with a plan that allowed me to have $100 for food. She gave me info to help me get money from my ex. She looked me in the eye and I was able to look right back at her. I sat up straight. I thanked her and she knew I was grateful, not just for the plan to get me through 2 weeks but for seeing me as a person and not a naughty deadbeat loser. As I was leaving her office, she said, very softly, “thank god for your mom” and she closed the door behind me.
The rest of the day should have been better. My daughter’s friend had moved away a few years ago and we kept in touch with her and her family. We more or less fostered this girl for 6 months. So it’s wonderful she was spending the weekend with us. My ex was to come by and give me some money but, once again, he said he didn’t have enough and he couldn’t bring it today. When I
told him off expressed my frustration he threatened to take my daughter from me, and he was worried for my sanity and accused me of stealing money from I don’t know where. It was ugly.
So tonight I do feel stronger, in spite of the blizzard forming outside. In spite of my ex’s shortcomings (hee hee). I feel stronger because of my daughter and her friends who all included me in everything they did (well, until after supper anyway) and a stranger who gave a damn.
My daughter, who usually acts like I’m total embarrassment, drew me a picture of her and I. She hasn’t done that in a couple of years. My heart is so full of love now, I feel there is light shining my way.
It has a bit of an amethyst glow about it.