Funny Things


Some things have been on my mind today and just have kept me smiling.  Most of them are “you hadda be there” but I can try to give you a picture.

  • Whenever I go into an elevator with my kids (13 and 25) I live in fear the whole trip.  Going up and going down.  They always let me go in first so I can find a place to hang on.  Right after me comes Carly who heads face first straight to a corner.  Jason then comes in jumping up and down.  I cringe in terror and I’m sure I’m whimpering because Carly reminds me of  The Blair Witch Project (kid in the corner, scared the hell out of me) and Jason has the whole elevator bouncing up and down and making groaning and creaking noises.  It’s all I can do to not curl up on the floor with my arms over my head in full crash mode.  The scariest thing is the look on their faces really.  So casual, like it’s never been planned and let’sscarethehelloutofourmom.   The kids leave the elevator quite pleased with themselves and I am shaking like a leaf and my legs don’t seem to work right.  People always take another look at us as we leave.  My kids like to scare me but I feel so honoured they want to torture me.  That’s love.  By the way?  I’ve tried tricking them and sneaking into a different elevator but that only worked once.  Which is why I am made to enter the elevator first.
  • My sister, Colleen, tells a great story.  She can get me going not just with the words but her facial expressions and the tone of her voice (mostly exasperation).  My favourite story is her “buying her husband a father’s day present with 3 little kids” or “I’m going to buy a lawn mower that starts with one pull with 3 little kids”.  I’m laughing now just writing about it.
  • When people wear masks and go on with their day; having conversations, or working I just lose it.  I had a friend who wore a gorilla mask for the whole evening at a party and it wasn’t even Halloween.  I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him; good thing because I was laughing so hard I could have peed my pants.
  • Other paraphernalia will get to me too.  My former boss wore a coconut bra at work as part of a volunteer appreciation dinner we were having.  He was trying  them  it out before the event.  I swear he came into my office a lot more than he normally did.  I think my reaction each and every single time was the only encouragement he needed.  I went through a half a box of tissues that day!
  • My son when he was 18 months old – WARNING this is gross – ate a lot of raisins one day while we were at my dad’s.  Dad just kept feeding them to him and Jay just kept eating them.  I really wasn’t paying much attention to how many raisins he was eating.  Well the next morning I was at the sink doing the dishes when along comes my sweet little boy holding a raisin.  He said UK.  Now, I didn’t have any raisins in my house so I couldn’t figure out where he got it.  He put it in his mouth and promptly spit it out and said “UK” again.  Now that’s weird, I knew the kid loved raisins.  I asked him to show mum where he found the raisin.  I started noticing a horrible smell.  He grinned at me, turned around and started walking away from me.  That’s when I saw them.  Dripping down his leg.  OMG.  I took him to the bathtub and stripped off his diaper.  Lot of good it was doing anyway.  A diaper full of raisins and ew.  I don’t think that kid ever liked raisins again.  I had to phone his dad to tell him but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t talk at first.  Good thing he had answered the phone and knew the howling and snorting on the other end was his then-wife.  I eventually got the story out.  He just thought it was gross.  No wonder we aren’t married anymore.

I love thinking about these things because it brings a sudden smile to my face and sometimes I just laugh out loud.  It’s hard to explain to people why I am acting this way without them thinking I’m actually more nuts than I am.  These thoughts have saved my life more times than I can count.

Peace and smile.

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