Yes that is my tag line on this blog. Nobody has asked me why it’s there so naturally I figured nobody cares. Or no one thought to ask. Or people were afraid to ask. To tell you the truth I think it just sits there and no one noticed it. I didn’t even have to think about it when I had to come up with something that was to describe what I want to do with this blog. It seemed right to me.
I’ve been working very hard at not being afraid in my life. Most people have something that they fear. It could be specific things like spiders (don’t bother me so much unless they are in the biffy at night) or snakes (no thanks) or violence or millions of other things. From the time I can remember, I was afraid of EVERYTHING. As a child I was afraid of the dark but at first I was afraid of the night, THEN the dark. My room in the daytime would be a wonderful place, because I believed everything was alive and had feelings and the chairs and desk would be my friends and talk to me. I would be so worried if I broke a crayon because I didn’t want it to be hurt. I know that’s a little strange but don’t worry, I’m in therapy. At night it was different. Everything looked scary. I would lie in my bed, afraid to open my eyes and more afraid to close them. Eventually that poor little kid would fall asleep, only to wake up the whole house with her screams (notice I am talking about myself in the third person now. Dr. G. where are you?) I suffered from incredible nightmares or, as they are called now, night terrors. These dreams stayed with me until I was in my 30’s just not as frequently and the intensity lightened up. I was very withdrawn and socially retarded as a child. I was afraid of everything. I think it was in second grade the teacher yelled at a kid and I wet my pants.
I’ve had lots of fears in my life and all of them have been a real waste of my time and energy. I used fear as an excuse many times which did me no good at all. Things have changed though. I was afraid to drive but once I did, I was unstoppable. I love driving and I’m pretty good at it. I used to be afraid to go anywhere except in my neighbourhood; by car, bus or walking. Everything had to be planned out exactly and if I got lost, which I did a lot, I fell into a litany of self-doubt and would be back to square one. Most of the time I got a ride.
Now I, in the last six months, have taken the bus to parts of town I never even heard of before (which isn’t saying very much as I’ve sheltered myself), and I have driven to places I would never have thought I would go. And I was okay. Really, really okay. Once, for a job interview in October, I took the bus. It was a 1 1/2 hour trip to get to a part of town I didn’t even know was there. I had it planned out. I had a map. I had the address. I had directions. Got off the bus at the right place and now I had to walk 2 blocks. But, which way. I didn’t write that down. Well, I might have written south or west or something like that but…HELLO! Oh Lordy. Which way? I started walking and knew I had to be going the wrong way. So I planted my feet on the sidewalk, so I wouldn’t go further and make things worse and called my son. That day of all days he was home from work. He was patient and kind (as he was raised to be) and google mapped it for me. He told me to turn around and go in the opposite direction. Yes, yes, that’s why we have kids so they can grow up, have their own computers and google map for their mum. I did get the job. Then took the bus every day for 3 hours a day. Everything was becoming an exciting adventure. I am so proud of the simple things.
I feel stronger and more aware of my surroundings and my life. It’s all a work in progress. I realized how much it took to change my life from the one I knew before. I made a couple of men very unhappy in the process. Getting away from them was the best thing for me and for them too. They were destroying themselves and me, as it turns out. Hopefully I will recognize what’s going on in my life and have the strength to get out of anything destructive. I deserve that respect. Hell, I’ve earned it.
I love myself. Just try to stop me.