Well, it’s a new year with no real resolutions. I just can never be bothered. I tried all the usual, like lose weight. I weigh more now than I ever did in my life! So that one doesn’t work. I quit smoking but that was in 1987 and it was October and had nothing to do with New Year’s so it doesn’t even count.
New Year’s Eve was fun, spent it with Dennis and his gang of family at his place. We spent a lot of time laughing and making fun of each other. I started wondering the old “what if” stuff. Like, I died tomorrow how will these people remember me? How about my own kids? The rest of my family (at least the one’s I still talk to, could care less about the others) how will they think of me?
I don’t think I will get enough credit for the things that could be considered worthwhile remembering me for. I know my kids will have amazing horror stories as their memories have become demented. I know I’m the one that is almost (gak) 50 but they have memories like a sieve. I want them to remember how much I love them. I was so cruel I smothered them…with kisses and hugs. I made their favourite foods until they were sick of them. I played. out. side. in. the. WINTER. I was a cool mom even if they don’t think so. I talked to my son about sex when he was five. That was only because of where I worked I worked with persons with HIV and he wanted to know what it was then how you got it then he was terrified and said he would never ever have sex ever in his life ever and cried. I didn’t blame him for crying. He’s 25 now and he does it every chance he gets.
Oh yeah, how I want to be remembered…My daughter is 13 and I am just stupid according to her and have no concept of reality, in this world which is not hers. I was like that with my mom too but I ended up really liking her later. If I died tomorrow, though, my girl won’t have that chance. I do think she secretly likes me because she lets me give her a hug goodnight sometimes. I want her to remember me for the surprises of food I bring home, always something she really likes. I want her to remember that she only tells me once to buy something for her and I did the very next time I went shopping. So the little things. They do add up. I want to be remembered for the little things that add up into one ginormous dinosaur.
I want to be remembered for my battling mental illness for the last 14 years and keeping it at bay. I take my meds, I go to the Doctor, I go to the Counsellor and now I am going to work again. I have survived; that won’t be what will kill me like I always thought it would.
I want to be remembered for the amazing ideas I can come up. How I love to brainstorm with a group. How much I live for helping people who really need it.
I want to be remembered for my ever-changing attitude. “Don’t mess with me, my wonderful darling” sums up how it can change in a nano-second. How about my sense of humour? It can fail sometimes as my brain has to make something too complicated for words, but when it wins it goes across the finish line first and quick.
I’m a great lover in and out of bed. I am patient, kind and, lately, a little more daring. Not talking so much about the lover part, but in general. Jeez. Minds in the gutter.
I am known for getting lost, and that is changing. In the last few months I have gone to more strange places than I ever have before. Even on the BUS. No one laughs at me anymore, the ones closest to me know it can be a real problem for me to find my way and continue to plan and do things to make things better.
Speaking of finding my way, I got rid of damaging relationships too. I can be remembered for doing the best I could to make it less hurtful in one and in the other there was nothing I could do. That person had a real sickness and I could not be there to let him continue to destroy himself. I have had to cut him completely from my life so he could not bring be down with him. And he would have. It’s evident every time he tries to contact me that I did the right thing. I can remembered for doing the right thing when the time was right and will do it again if I have to.
You know, years ago this list would have been so different. I would not have been remembered at all really. I mean it. I was invisible. Can’t remember someone who was invisible can you? As a former invisible person, I now seek others who are trapped that way. You know them, people who “fall through the cracks”, who are generalized and lumped into a category. I have learned that people are people and they do bad things and they do good things. I like to think I bring out the good things in others and really love to try to do that. I was always known as the “mommy” where I used to work. That’s something I will be remembered for, but I would rather not have anyone think of me that way.
Of course I know I can’t save everyone and I don’t want to. I just let someone know that they touched my life and I liked it; I liked them. If we all did that a little bit each day, what an amazing place this would be.
What do you want to be remembered for? Leave a comment and let’s see…