A Changing Mind


This time of year is usually a good one for me.  Not this year.  I mean I have so much to be grateful for and will even name a few of them just to make them seem more real. 

I have a son who has been my world even before he was born.  He makes my planet light up when he is happy and stormy when he is not.  I love him to pieces and will always be grateful to him for everything he has given me:  unconditional love and the meaning and realization of it, a home when I desperately needed one, constant laughter, my rock when things were bad, making me a parent whether I want to be or not.  And with him I sure wanted to be; he is a constant joy even 25.5 years later.

My daughter who made my life so exciting later in my years.  She found the world a magical place and it was a joy to show it to her.  She helped me to grow up as she grew.  She gives me solid reasons for living and breathing and shopping.  Yep.  We like to shop.  She is an amazing, talented creature who seems to do excellent at whatever she tries.  Everything I wanted to be.  She has a talent for making me laugh so hard tears come to my eyes.  So do her wicked farts.  But, that’s my girl.

My sister Colleen has been the most amazing best friend anyone could ask for.   She will go through mountains and even through shit for me.  She has too.  When we laugh, we cannot stop.  When we cry we just hold on.  I learned a lot from her on being a family and raising a family, I flew blind half the time, she gave guided tours and always has room for me.

I have memories of my mum who was the ultimate in  tolerance.  I don’t know that I could or would ever be like her that way but I learned what my threshold is.  She showed me kindness and love and took whatever I gave her and gave me nothing but love back.  Thank you, Mum for guiding me to be the woman I am today and you continue to give me the strength to go on.  I see you everywhere and hope you are proud of me, even though my life is not what we both hoped it would be.  Thank you for giving me another way out if I needed it.

My Dad.  So many things about him I am so grateful for.  He is always wanting to help, I know I get that from him.  He gives because there is no debt, only relief.  I am glad he still remembers who I am.  I love how his face lights up when I walk into his room; ultimate feeling of being special to someone.  Thank you Dad.

And my Dennis, my main man I have known for such a short time but it seems we’ve known each other forever.  I watch that slow smile come across your amazing face and I feel weak inside.  I know that smile is for me.  We laugh and talk to each other like humans are meant to.  He says I am beautiful.  He is smarter than most people I know and loves his family fiercely although it would piss him off if they ever found out.  He believes in fairness and honesty and subjects me to both.  Constantly.  Sometimes he shouldn’t.  I dream of sharing my life with him and we both hope that will happen one day.

I have Corrie, my friend, who lives far away, but with social networking, actually lives next door.  I love when she posts on Facebook and am thrilled when she messages me.  Her life is mega full and happy and I love that for her.  I miss her when she is gone and have to miss her when she is here.  Everyone needs a piece of her when she comes here and I am happy with the time I get.

I have a home for now, that is comfortable and affordable.  My car is running and my cat is purring.  I am reasonably healthy, in love, and have great kids. 

As I have been writing I’ve realized I have so much more than when I started this post.  I think the spirit of the season is inching its way back into my heart.  I have no money but tried to make do for gifts for my kids.  I know they will like what I have been able to do, which isn’t much compared to other years, because they are my kids.  The food bank has helped me so much this week so any readers out there please donate to Winnipeg Harvest. 

I know there are people worse off than I am.  I see them everyday.  I also see them with hope, caring, determination and initiative.  That’s what I’ve been missing out on and resolve right now to practice it too.

I hope you all have a great holiday season and I give you peace and joy for your lives magically through the computer screen.

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