I can’t believe my kid talked me into this. "Let’s go to the Y for a swim tonite mommy! Daddy said it starts at 8:15!" Oh God. A bathing suit. No No No. Pinching myself did nothing but leave another blotch on my skin. This is real.
"Oh how nice of daddy to think of that," I said in my best good old mommy voice. Daddy smiled at me and went downstairs.
Carly went to play for a while with her friends while I hoped she would just maybe forget all about swimming. My heart leapt into my throat when she came running in asking what the time was. I told her it was 7:39 all the while trying to look as much in pain and suffering as possible. She never notices these things, though.
I knew she was having a real great time with her friends so suggested we go another time and she have a longer time playing with her buddies. She sqealed and ran off to play some more.
Quite proud of myself, I sat back to enjoy a quiet evening. Well, as quiet as it can be with 5 screaming kids, water guns, buckets and scooters tearing around. Ah but not in a bathing suit.
It got real quiet after 5 minutes. "Please let them have gone to Zach’s place", I whispered to myself, already knowing what was next.
"They all had to go mom so let’s go to the pool, okay? I will pack what we need"
A bathing suit.
She will pack me a bathing suit.
She brought out bathing suits I haven’t worn in probably 5 years. I fit them different now and explained that to her.
She said, "Mom, there are 6 bathing suits here. Why do you have them if they don’t fit?"
I said they will one day. I told her I was too fat for them now.
She looks at me with those adorable, truthful and loving browneyes and says, "Mommy, you’re not fat. You’re skinny." Bless her.
We found my beautiful blue bathing suit. The suit is lovely and is a gorgeous shade of bright cobalt blue. I, on the other hand, look like a big blue peony in it.
Okay. Got my bathing suit. Now Carly, go get daddy.
"Daddy says he’s not coming so let’s go mommy!"
I knew my face went white. Now I will be in a batthing suit. At the Y. Without a man to prove I am attractive to somebody. What next?
Oh yeah. Money.
Honey, I need some cash for the Y please.
"Cash? I don’t have any cash. What you need cash for?"
Umm, the Y, baby, remember?
Oh yeah sorry babe. No cash. Have fun.
Uh-huh. Yeah. A bathing suit, no cash, the Y.
Well, I dug up money from various places in the house. I always have dibs on the money I find in the laundry. I think some else is on to me there though. Not as much as I thought.
"Please Mommy, could we walk to the Y?"
Why not? Maybe I can burn some bathing suit filler on the way. Unless I get a slurpee.
The walk was good and we had fun. I put on my bathing suit, wrapped myself in a towl and bravely headed out to the pool. On the way to the pool is the shower room. Now I have forgotten public showers and how women just take it all off. My poor Carly (who will be developing her own filler uppers for bathing suits soon) was treated to the sight of the naked backside of a woman bigger than me and singing away while she lathered up. Carly had her towl over her head so she couldn’t see anything and go blind then promptly smashed into another woman in the process of stripping. Poor sweetie. Carly, not the stripper. I still made her shower first before we went out to the pool.
Carly wanted me to go in with her. I figured if I got in real fast I would be a flash of brilliant blue in everyone’s memories. In I went. I am sure I heard a collective gasp so I was not fast enough. Nothing could make me get out until it was time to go home.
But the Y is a strange place. I had a noodle and wonderful Jazz was playing on the overhead speakers. I tried to block out the yelling kids and the water going up my nose and go with the rhythm of the water and the music. I was getting dizzy until some guy cam up and put HIS FOOT ON MY LEG ON PURPOSE!!!! OMG. Maybe he missed the blue bomber as it leaped into the water. He started to talk. All I could do is look at him in astonishment. My adorable and perfectly time daughter took that moment to catapult herself off the slide and miss this guy by inches and managed to half drown him. I quickly took her away to the kiddie pool, exposing my bulging blue behind in the process.
Ew ew ew.
After trying to catch my eye a couple times he finally left. I felt it was now safe to try out the hot tub. I waited until it was nearly empty. The last guy was leaving it, going down the stairs while I was going up. As we passed I gave him my very polite smile and he said "Nice". "Oh it’s pretty warm is it?" I say? "Yeah and you are making me warmer, baby" says Mr. Charming.
Ew EwEw. He started to turn around to come back to the hot tub until he took a good look at my face. Whatever was there scared the hell right out of him. He turned around again and headed directly to the men’s shower.
I now had the hot tub to myself. I found me a great jet, closed my eyes and tried to hear the jazz. No jazz. I think it was Britney Spears. Life sure can change in 10 minutes.
I should have kept my eyes closed. I glanced at the observation window and there they were. Both guys. Looking out at the pool. I sank under the steaming hot bubbles.
I survived my first bathing suit run. My daughter maybe scarred for life. I seem to attract the local pool sharks. Maybe my weigh in tomorrow will turn out better. If so, this was worth it.
I want a medal.